“I’m rather hoping,” Mack said between bites, “that won’t be too soon.”
“Wouldn’t you like to know?” Papa said with a playful wink and then closed her eyes again.
As Mack ate another scone he groped for the courage to speak his heart. “Papa?” he asked, and for the first time calling God Papa did not seem awkward to him.
“Yes, Mack?” she answered as her eyes opened and she smiled with delight.
“I’ve been pretty hard on you.”
“Hmmmm, Sophia must’a gotten to you.”
“Did she ever! I had no idea I had presumed to be your judge. It sounds so horribly arrogant.”
“That’s because it was,” Papa responded with a smile.
“I am so sorry. I really had no idea…” Mack shook his head sadly.
“But that is in the past now, where it belongs. I don’t even want your sorrow for it, Mack. I just want us to grow on together without it.”
“I want that too,” Mack said, reaching for another scone. “Aren’t you going to eat any of these?”
“Naw, you go ahead; you know how it is-start cookin’ and tastin’ this and that and before you know it, you used up your whole appetite. You enjoy,” and she nudged the tray toward him.
He took another and sat back to savor it. “Jesus said it was your idea to give me some time with Missy this afternoon. I can’t begin to find words to thank you for that!”
“Ahh, you’re welcome, honey. It gave me great joy too! I was so looking forward to puttin’ you two together I could hardly stand it.”
“I wish Nan could have been here for that.”
“That would have made it perfect!” Papa agreed with excitement.
Mack sat in silence, unsure what she meant or how to respond.
“Isn’t Missy special?” She shook her head back and forth. “My, my, my I’m especially fond of that one.”
“Me too!” Mack beamed and thought of his princess behind the waterfall. Princess? Waterfall? Wait a minute! Papa watched as the tumblers fell into place.
“Obviously you know about my daughter’s fascination with waterfalls and especially the legend of the Multnomah Princess.” Papa nodded. “Is that what this is about? Did she have to die so you could change me?”
“Whoa there, Mack.” Papa leaned forward. “That’s not how I do things.”
“But she loved that story so much.”
“Of course she did. That’s how she came to appreciate what Jesus did for her and the whole human race. Stories about a person willing to exchange their life for another are a golden thread in your world, revealing both your need and my heart.”
“But if she hadn’t died, I wouldn’t be here now…”
“Mack, just because I work incredible good out of unspeakable tragedies doesn’t mean I orchestrate the tragedies. Don’t ever assume that my using something means I caused it or that I need it to accomplish my purposes. That will only lead you to false notions about me. Grace doesn’t depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors.”
“Actually, that’s a relief. I couldn’t bear to think that my pain might have cut short her life.”
“She was not your sacrifice, Mack. She is and will always be your joy. That’s enough purpose for her.”
Mack settled back in his chair surveying the view from the porch. “I feel so full!”
“Well, you’ve eaten most of the scones.”
“That’s not what I meant,” he laughed, “and you know it. The world just looks a thousand times brighter and I feel a thousand times lighter.”
“You are, Mack! It’s not easy being the judge of the entire world.” Papa’s smile reassured Mack that this new ground was safe.
“Or judging you,” he added. “I was quite a mess… worse off than I thought. I have totally misunderstood who you are in my life.”
“Not totally, Mack. We’ve had some wonderful moments, too. So let’s not make more of it than it is.”
“But I always liked Jesus better than you. He seemed so gracious and you seemed so…”
“Mean? Sad, isn’t it? He came to show people who I am and most folks only believe it about him. They still play us off like good cop/bad cop most of the time, especially the religious folk. When they want people to do what they think is right, they need a stern God. When they need forgiveness, they run to Jesus.”
“Exactly,” Mack said with a point of his finger.
“But we were all in him. He reflected my heart exactly. I love you and invite you to love me.”
“But why me? I mean, why Mackenzie Allen Phillips? Why do you love someone who is such a screw-up? After all the things I’ve felt in my heart toward you and all the accusations I made, why would you even bother to keep trying to get through to me?”
“Because that is what love does,” answered Papa. “Remember, Mackenzie, I don’t wonder what you will do or what choices you will make. I already know. Let’s say, for example, I am trying to teach you how not to hide inside of lies, hypothetically of course,” she said with a wink. “And let’s say that I know it will take you forty-seven situations and events before you will actually hear me-that is, before you will hear clearly enough to agree with me and change. So when you don’t hear me the first time, I’m not frustrated or disappointed, I’m thrilled. Only forty-six more times to go. And that first time will be a building block to construct a bridge of healing that one day-that today-you will walk across.”
“Okay, now I’m feeling guilty,” he admitted.
“Let me know how that works for you,” Papa chuckled. “Seriously, Mackenzie, it’s not about feeling guilty. Guilt’ll never help you find freedom in me. The best it can do is make you try harder to conform to some ethic on the outside. I’m about the inside.”
“But, what you said. I mean, about hiding inside lies. I guess I’ve done that one way or another most of my life.”
“Honey, you’re a survivor. No shame in that. Your daddy hurt you something fierce. Life hurt you. Lies are one of the easiest places for survivors to run. It gives you a sense of safety, a place where you only have to depend on yourself. But it’s a dark place, isn’t it?”
“So dark,” Mack muttered with a shake of his head.
“But are you willing to give up the power and safety it promises you? That’s the question.”
“What do you mean?” asked Mack, looking up at her.
“Lies are a little fortress; inside them you can feel safe and powerful. Through your little fortress of lies you try to run your life and manipulate others. But the fortress needs walls, so you build some. These are the justifications for your lies. You know, like you are doing this to protect someone you love, to keep them from feeling pain. Whatever works, just so you feel okay about the lies.”
“But, the reason I didn’t tell Nan about the note was because it would have caused her so much hurt.”
“See? There you go, Mackenzie, justifying yourself. What you said is a bold-faced lie, but you can’t see it.” She leaned forward. “Do you want me to tell you what the truth is?”
Mack knew Papa was going deep, and somewhere inside he was both relieved to be talking about this and tempted to almost laugh out loud. He was no longer embarrassed by it. “No-o-o-o,” he drew his answer out slowly, and smirked up at her. “But go ahead anyway.”
She smiled back and then grew serious. “The truth is, Mack, the real reason you did not tell Nan was not because you were trying to save her from pain. The real reason is that you were afraid of having to deal with the emotions you might encounter, both from her and in yourself. Emotions scare you, Mack. You lied to protect yourself, not her!”
He sat back. Papa was absolutely right.
“And furthermore,” she continued, “such a lie is unloving. In the name of caring about her, your lie became an inhibitor in your relationship with her, and in her relationship with me. If you had told her, maybe she would be here with us now.”