Papa’s words hit Mack like a punch in the stomach. “You wanted her to come, too?”
“That was your decision and hers, if she had ever been given the chance to make it. The point is, Mack, you don’t know what would have happened because you were so busy protecting Nan.”
And again he was floundering in guilt. “So, what do I do now?”
“You tell her, Mackenzie. You face the fear of coming out of the dark and tell her, and ask for her forgiveness and you let her forgiveness heal you. Ask her to pray for you, Mack. Take the risks of honesty. When you mess up again, ask for forgiveness again. It’s a process, honey, and life is real enough without having to be obscured by lies. And remember, I am bigger than your lies. I can work beyond them. But that doesn’t make them right and doesn’t stop the damage they do or the hurt they cause others.”
“What if she doesn’t forgive me?” Mack knew that this was indeed a very deep fear that he lived with. It felt safer to continue to throw new lies on the growing pile of old ones.
“Ah, that is the risk of faith, Mack. Faith does not grow in the house of certainty. I am not here to tell you that Nan will forgive you. Perhaps she won’t or can’t, but my life inside of you will appropriate risk and uncertainty to transform you by your own choices into a truth teller, and that will be a miracle greater than raising the dead.”
Mack sat back and let her words sink in. “Will you please forgive me,” Mack finally offered.
“Did that a long time ago, Mack. If you don’t believe me, ask Jesus. He was there.”
Mack took a sip of his coffee, surprised to find that it was still as hot as when he first sat down. “But I’ve tried pretty hard to lock you out of my life.”
“People are tenacious when it comes to the treasure of their imaginary independence. They hoard and hold their sickness with a firm grip. They find their identity and worth in their brokenness and guard it with every ounce of strength they have. No wonder grace has such little attraction. In that sense you have tried to lock the door of your heart from the inside.”
“But I didn’t succeed.”
“That’s because my love is a lot bigger than your stupidity,” Papa said with a wink. “I used your choices to work perfectly into my purposes. There are many folk like you, Mackenzie, who end up locking themselves into a very small place with a monster that will ultimately betray them, that will not fill or deliver what they thought it would. Imprisoned with such a terror, they once again have the opportunity to return to me. The very treasure they trusted in will become their undoing.”
“So you use pain to force people back to you?” It was obvious Mack didn’t approve.
Papa leaned forward and gently touched Mack’s hand.
“Honey, I also forgave you for even thinking I could be that way. I understand how difficult it is for you, so lost in your perceptions of reality and yet so sure of your own judgments, to even begin to perceive, let alone imagine, who real love and goodness are. True love never forces.” She squeezed his hand and sat back.
“But, if I understand what you’re saying, the consequences of our selfishness are part of the process that brings us to the end of our delusions, and helps us find you. Is that why you don’t stop every evil? Is that why you didn’t warn me that Missy was in danger, or help us find her?” The accusing tone was no longer in Mack’s voice.
“If only it were that simple, Mackenzie. Nobody knows what horrors I have saved the world from ’cuz people can’t see what never happened. All evil flows from independence, and independence is your choice. If I were to simply revoke all the choices of independence, the world as you know it would cease to exist and love would have no meaning. This world is not a playground where I keep all my children free from evil. Evil is the chaos of this age that you brought to me, but it will not have the final say. Now it touches everyone that I love, those who follow me and those who don’t. If I take away the consequences of people’s choices, I destroy the possibility of love. Love that is forced is no love at all.”
Mack rubbed his hands through his hair and sighed. “It’s just so hard to understand.”
“Honey, let me tell you one of the reasons that it makes no sense to you. It’s because you have such a small view of what it means to be human. You and this Creation are incredible, whether you understand that or not. You are wonderful beyond imagination. Just because you make horrendous and destructive choices does not mean you deserve less respect for what you inherently are-the pinnacle of my Creation and the center of my affection.”
“But-” Mack started.
“Also,” she interrupted, “don’t forget that in the midst of all your pain and heartache, you are surrounded by beauty, the wonder of Creation, art, your music and culture, the sounds of laughter and love, of whispered hopes and celebrations, of new life and transformation, of reconciliation and forgiveness. These also are the results of your choices and every choice matters, even the hidden ones. So whose choices should we countermand, Mackenzie? Perhaps I should never have created? Perhaps Adam should have been stopped before he chose independence? What about your choice to have another daughter, or your father’s choice to beat his son? You demand your independence, but then complain that I actually love you enough to give it to you.”
Mack smiled. “I’ve heard that before.”
Papa smiled back and reached for a piece of pastry. “I told you Sophia got to you.
“Mackenzie, my purposes are not for my comfort, or yours. My purposes are always and only an expression of love. I purpose to work life out of death, to bring freedom out of brokenness and turn darkness into light. What you see as chaos, I see as a fractal. All things must unfold, even though it puts all those I love in the midst of a world of horrible tragedies-even the one closest to me.”
“You’re talking about Jesus, aren’t you?” Mack asked, softly.
“Yup, I love that boy.” Papa looked away and shook her head. “Everything’s about him, you know. One day you folk will understand what he gave up. There are just no words.”
Mack could feel his own emotions welling up. Something touched him deeply as he watched Papa talk about her son. He hesitated to ask, but finally broke into the silence.
“Papa, can you help me understand something? What exactly did Jesus accomplish by dying?”
She was still looking out into the forest. “Oh,” she waved her hand. “Nothing much. Just the substance of everything that love purposed from before the foundations of Creation,” Papa stated matter of factly, then turned and smiled.
“Wow, that’s a pretty broad brush. Could you bring it down a few notches?” asked Mack rather boldly, or so he thought after the words had left his mouth.
Papa, instead of being upset beamed at him. “My, but aren’t you getting uppity an’ all. Give a man an inch and he thinks he’s a ruler.”
He returned the grin, but his mouth was full and he didn’t say anything.
“Like I said, everything is about him. Creation and history are all about Jesus. He is the very center of our purpose and in him we are now fully human, so our purpose and your destiny are forever linked. You might say that we have put all our eggs in the one human basket. There is no plan B.”
“Seems pretty risky,” Mack surmised.
“Maybe for you, but not for me. There has never been a question that what I wanted from the beginning, I will get.” Papa sat forward and crossed her arms on the table. “Honey, you asked me what Jesus accomplished on the cross; so now listen to me carefully: through his death and resurrection, I am now fully reconciled to the world.”
“The whole world? You mean those who believe in you, right?”
“The whole world, Mack. All I am telling you is that reconciliation is a two way street, and I have done my part, totally, completely, finally. It is not the nature of love to force a relationship but it is the nature of love to open the way.”