His coming into my life had changed everything. I was foolish to think of him. He was as forbidden to me as Drake was.
I said: ”It is all in the past, Drake. No good comes of thinking of what might have been.”
“I could find it more tolerable if I knew that you loved me. If I had asked you, would you have married me?”
I nodded.
“Lenore, that has made me very happy.”
“We should not talk of these things.”
“What you have said makes me feel that I can tolerate life here in London the more easily … thinking of you. We must meet again here.”
“I can’t believe that would be a wise thing to do.”
“We could meet… by chance … by the pond. If I could just see you from time to time …”
I shook my head.
“Please,” he said. “It would help me so much.”
”We should not make a habit of it.”
His face lightened. “I want to talk to you about so many things … politics … the constituency … I’ve often looked up at the gallery and imagined you were there. You would have come to see me at the House, wouldn’t you? You would have done so much to help me. Julia, I think, hates my work. I feel so much better now that you are back.”
He seemed so vulnerable, which was strange for Drake. From the moment he had visited The Silk House he had seemed the strong one. Julia was ruining her life with drink. I was sorry for her but I could see that Drake was almost as helpless.
Surely there could be no harm in an occasional meeting in the park?
My father had gone back to France and I turned once more to work which had been such a solace to me on other occasions. There was plenty to occupy me. I tried not to think of the Comte.
Grand’mere was right about him. To him I was just another woman whom it pleased him to pursue for a time. I imagined that since the hunt had not been productive he had decided to turn his attention elsewhere. I was depressed hoping that he would come to London and prove to Grand’mere that she had misjudged him.
Drake was a more immediate concern. He called at the salon. There was a certain recklessness about him. Grand’mere was very fond of him, but she did not wish me to be caught up with a man who had a wife. That would be even more undesirable than my friendship with the Comte.
I had told Drake several times that we should not see each other, but he was so sad when I did. “To see you … to talk to you … I cannot explain what it means to me. Sometimes I am afraid of what I will do if I don’t break away.”
“You have always been so calm,” I told him. “So very able to deal with any situation.”
“I have never been faced with such a situation before and to realize I have brought it on myself does not make it any more acceptable. There are times when I can hardly trust myself not to do her some injury.”
“For Heaven’s sake, don’t talk like that.”
“I can understand how some people are goaded too far. I want you to know my feelings, Lenore. These meetings with you do so much for me. I must see you.”
I was really afraid for him. I was very fond of him. I did see in him all the sterling qualities Grand’mere had pointed out to me. After all, he was in this position because of his honourable nature. He had married Julia because he had thought it was the only right thing to do. How could he have guessed that she had tricked him.
I was desperately sorry for him—and in a way for Julia too. I knew from Cassie what the situation was for when she was in a state of intoxication, Julia could be very frank.
I could see it all so clearly: Julia passionately in love with a husband who hated her. I think she had loved Drake … idolized him … from the time he had come to The Silk House as a handsome boy, head of the school, the hero, looked up to by Charles who had considered it such an honour when Drake consented to spend his holidays with him. I remembered her wrath against me when he had gone. Julia had wanted Drake from the moment she had set eyes on him. She had contrived to get him— but in trapping him, she had lost him.
Poor Julia! I could imagine those tormented nights when he was in the house … sleeping in another room. She had told Cassie how she paced her room, railing against his indifference, turning to the bottle which was always beside her wherever she was. She told me of the quarrels between them, how she was always upbraiding him because he did not care for her enough, how he would not indulge in quarrels. “Escape! He always wants to escape,” Julia had cried. “He always wants to get away from me but I will never let him do that. He is mine for as long as we live. If I can’t have him, no one else shall.”
T thought a great deal about them. It stopped my thinking solely of the Comte and wondering what he was doing now. I imagined he had returned to Carsonne. I wondered if he ever thought of me. Perhaps new and then as the frigid woman who had refused to be seduced … and on whom he had wasted too much time.
And so I continued to see Drake. It was unavoidable. When I went out he would be waiting for me. It was no use remonstrating with him. I could see how much he needed companionship. We talked of the state of the government and what Salisbury was doing and what Gladstone would have done, but somehow we always got back to Julia.
There was a little tea shop just off Piccadilly conveniently near. It was a pleasant place with tables in alcoves where one could talk in peace. They sold delicious maids-of-honour and madeleines. Katie considered it a special treat to be brought there to tea.
One day we went there. We sat and talked. I wanted to hear how things were going. I was always trying to make him forget his unsatisfactory marriage which I hoped he would do by his complete absorption in politics.
He brightened considerably when he discussed his aims and achievements. He confided in me his concern about the health of Gladstone which was fast failing.
“Rosebery is not his equal,” he said. “But then, who is?”
“Gladstone could not always hold the party together, and he is now an old man.”
“There are many people jostling for power … ready to do anything however discreditable to take a step up the ladder.”
“But you are not like that, Drake.”
“Perhaps that is a lack in me.”
“Never,” I assured him.
“Oh, Lenore, how different it might have been. When I think of that I feel mad with rage. So easily it could have happened and somehow it slipped away from me.”
“There’s no going back, Drake.”
“I have loved you ever since I brought you out of that mausoleum. You were so small and frightened. Then I didn’t see you for years … but I felt the same when I did. Why did she have to be there? If I were free, you would marry me.”
I was silent.
“You would, wouldn’t you, Lenore?” he said earnestly. “You do love me?”
It was almost as though the Comte were sitting opposite me, laughing. Do you feel excited with him? Do you feel that sense of adventure? Do you feel that you want to be with him more than anyone else on earth? That is how you feel about me, Madame Sallonger. Do you feel the same for this man? Tell the truth now.
I said: “I’m so fond of you, Drake. I love you, but being in love is different, isn’t it?”
He looked at me steadily. “You mean you are fond of me but not in love with me?”
”I was in love with Philip and I thought it would be forever. And, Drake, it is unwise to talk in this way.”
“I could make you happy, Lenore, if…”
“It cannot be,” I said.
He was silent and so was I. I wished I could rid my mind of the image of that dark sceptical face. But I felt I never would forget it and it was going to make all the difference to my feelings for anyone else.