Remembering Rhys’ words about Stacey’s mother, I nod. “I understand.”
“I know you were depending on him for your finals, and I’m more than happy to schedule an extra private lessons with you. I believe, though, that at this point you’re either ready or your not.”
“Yes, that would be perfect,” I say numbly. “Thank you for your time.”
When I get up to leave, she clears her throat. I turn to face her to find that she’s still staring at me understandingly. If Mac could only see Cameron right now, she’d drop to the floor convulsing.
“I have dedicated many years to this music department,” Professor Cameron begins carefully, linking her fingers together. She rubs her thumbs together, drawing my attention down to her red-painted fingernails. “I like to think that I know just about everything going on here. With that being said, I’ve been aware of your relationship with Mr. Delane for some time now. While I don’t approve—and Rhys knows that I don’t support it—I would advise you against bringing your relationship through those double doors.”
I don’t deny what she just said. She’ll only call me out immediately if I do, and besides, I doubt there’s much of a relationship left between Rhys and me. “He’s not going to get in trouble, is he?” I ask, terrified of the possible consequences.
Leaning back, she smiles in surprise. “You’re not a child and Rhys isn’t your professor. Will I look at him differently?” She lifts her shoulders. “Probably not. He doesn’t go into anything lightly. He was one of my brightest students, and he’s easily one of the most talented musicians I’ve ever met. That was why I asked him to work with you. You have that same talent, even if you don’t realize it. I give my best students the hardest time.” Then the corner of her mouth twitches. “Like your friend Mackenzie.”
This time as I start to leave, she doesn’t stop me, but I turn at the door and give her a grateful nod. “Thank you for seeing me today.”
“My pleasure,” she says and despite the detached tone that’s returned to her voice, I believe her. “That’s what I’m here for so never hesitate to come see me. If it looks like Rhys will be delayed next week, I’ll send you an email to let you know what days I’m available for practice.”
I leave Professor Cameron’s office feeling both relieved and heartbroken—relief because Rhys will maintain his position despite our relationship and heartbreak because he had left without telling me goodbye.
He is gone.
And I have screwed up everything.
***
I go home for the holiday a miserable mess, and my mother seems to notice as soon as I walk through the door because she studies me carefully with a frown marring her smooth face. After she hugs me to her, she holds my shoulders on either side.
“We need to sit down and have a talk as soon as you get settled in,” she says, her face suddenly void of any emotion. Her voice, however, sounds slightly off—just like it has the last couple times we spoke on the phone.
There’s a part of me that’s terrified of what she might say, but I nod. “I’ve got a couple things I need to say to you too.” Glancing up the stairs and then back to her, I give her a questioning look. “After I shower and unpack my bag?”
“That sounds ... perfect.”
When I find my mom an hour later, she’s sitting in the kitchen at the circular table Lily and I used to eat breakfast at every morning. She’s slowly sipping from a coffee mug, and there’s a copy of her book club’s current read open in front of her. As soon as she sees me standing in the doorway, she dog-ears the page and sets the book aside. “Will Dad be home from work soon?” I ask. I’m not sure I want to tell him everything I’ve resolved to say, but Mom presses her glossy lips together into a close-lipped smile.
“Sit down, Evie.”
As I take the chair right next to her, she pulls in a deep breath before informing me, “Your father and I are getting a divorce.” My mouth drops open and I struggle to find my words, but she quickly shushes me. “I’ll go ahead and let you know right off the bat that I am the one who filed. I have done a lot of soul-searching over the last several, but it’s for the best. I realized that when he moved back home and I couldn’t find anything to be happy about.”
I dig my fingernails into my palms. “Mom ... I’m so sorry.”
“Believe it or not, I’m okay. I know that it’s the holidays, and news like this isn’t something you want to hear when you’re trying to be festive, but it needed to be said. I wanted you to understand why your dad might not be around this Thanksgiving.”
“Is that why you’ve been so upset the last few times you’ve called?”
Her lips quiver into a smile. “Yes.”
A heavy weight settles on my chest, numbing me. “This is my fault, isn’t it? If I hadn’t told you that Dad was having an affair, you would still be happy and—”
“And I’d still be stupid. I’d rather deal with pain than false happiness.” Rubbing her hand over her heart, she lets out a coarse laugh before drawing back and narrowing her hazel eyes. “You’re taking this much better than I thought. You and your dad have always been close, and—”
Now it’s my turn to cut her off. “I don’t like cheating. It doesn’t matter how close Dad and me were, I wasn’t going to let him cheat on you and get away with it. If I hurt you when I told you what was going on, I’m sorry. It just needed to be said.”
Mom squeezes her eyes shut, and when she opens them she’s staring directly into mine. She doesn’t look away, and there’s a painful catch inside my chest. “Thank you for looking out for me, Evie. It ... it means a lot to have someone on my side.”
But now, I can’t help but wonder how she’ll feel after I’ve said what I need to tell her. I had hours to think on my way home from Richmond to Bristol, and I decided to come clean with my mother. From Rhys to the role I feel I played in my sister’s death—I was going to tell her everything.
“You might not like me very much after this, but here’s everything,” I whisper, and she stares at me confused. As I tell her about my relationship with Rhys, she listens without saying a word. She’s still staring into my eyes when I finish, and I wish I knew what emotions are pummeling through her. It might help me decide what I should say next. “Say something, Mom.”
“What do you want me to say?” Her voice is barely a whisper, and yet it seems to echo all around us.
“I don’t know. That you’re angry. That you hate me. That you think I betrayed Lily by wanting to be with Rhys.”
Mom races her hands over her face and through her brown hair. “Oh, Evie,” she sighs, “I’m not mad at you if that’s what you’re thinking.” She tilts her face down to look at me, revealing the tears threatening to spill at any moment. “It hurts—I’m not going to lie and say it doesn’t—but only because it makes me think of your sister. I am not angry at you, though.”
“It doesn’t matter anyway. We broke up, so I think you’re safe,” I choke out, and before I realize what’s happening, Mom is out of her seat with her arms tucked tightly around me. It feels right, comforting, and I return her embrace, letting my mother hold me like she used to when I was smaller.
When Lily was still alive and nothing was a mess.
Cupping my chin, Mom bends her face close to mine. “I could never get any kind of satisfaction in you being unhappy. Surely you know that already.” When I nod, she clears her throat. “You said you have something else to tell me?”
Panic washes over me, but I force the words out before I’m unable to say them. “The day Lily died—it was my fault. She called me to pick her up, and I refused to do it. I told her to walk home.”
Mom blinks several times, and the next thing she says obliterates me. “I already know what you told her.”
Chapter Twenty-Five
Neither of us breathes as we stare at each other. “What do you mean you already know?” I finally manage, and my mother releases me. She sits back down, keeping her stare straight ahead. Looking at the window like she had the day I told her I didn’t want to go to Lily’s funeral. “Mom?”