“I couldn’t stay away.”
Words like this are dangerous, and I run my hand over my chest as if it’ll smooth out my heavy breathing. “You didn’t say goodbye,” I say carefully. “But I understand why you left.”
“Evelyn—”
“What happened with your niece?” His eyes follow me as I walk slowly toward him. My chest tightens with every step, and I swear I can hear my heart beating in my ears—it’s racing that fast, pounding that hard. “Your brother’s ex-wife isn’t going to get custody of her, is she?” I question, and he shakes his head.
“No. No she’s not.”
Then, taking a deep breath that sends a shiver through my entire body, I close the distance between us. He reaches his hand out to me, and I take it, gasping for air when he pulls me between his strong legs. I cup his face gently between my hands, looking down at him. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth,” I whisper, my voice breaking. “I’m sorry that I led you on and that I—”
“Stop apologizing.” He twists his head to the side and kisses my wrist. “God, don’t ever apologize for that. I know why you didn’t tell me—knew why even as I stood there angry with you—and all I could see were my own problems. That makes me fucked up, doesn’t it?”
But I move my head from side to side, my hair falling over his face. “I think we’re both fucked up and a little broken, but I think we could be alright.”
His hands slide down my sides, his fingers kneading into my lower back as he presses his forehead against my stomach. “I love you, Evelyn. I’ve loved you for a while now, and I don’t care who you are or who I am. It’s not going to make me feel any different.”
Those words terrify me—dig their way into my soul. Those words give me hope. “I love you too, Rhys.”
***
Later that night, we sit facing each other on his bed and tell each other everything. He tells me about his childhood and Owen and his many regrets. And I tearfully tell him everything—starting with the stupid argument that had driven a wedge between Lily and me, to the awful words I said to her the day I lost her, to the guilt that had settled on my heart for two years. I tell him about everything I wrecked and everything I’m trying to fix, and when I’m done, he holds me close to his chest.
I hear his heartbeat. Feel his warm skin pressed up close to mine. And I am lost.
“Did you mean what you said in your email?” I whisper much later, and I feel his face tilt down to mine.
“Which part?”
“That I’ve wrecked you—body and soul.”
His lips find my temple, and he chuckles against my skin. “Yes. I meant every word. You have done things to me that I didn’t think were possible. It scares the shit out of me, but I wouldn’t want any of that to change.”
Squeezing my eyes closed, I let my head wrap around the twist of fate that brought us together as our bodies entwine with each other.
“I love you, Rhys. So much it hurts. So much that—”
But he covers my lips with his, drowning out my words. I let him because I’m not sure I can speak anymore. He’s right, this is scary, but it’s also right.
“I love you too, Evelyn.”
Epilogue
The Following Spring
Early this morning, I dreamt of my sister. Lily. The girl I lost nearly three years ago. It was the fourth time I’ve dreamt of her since she passed away—the second dream from this year alone—but just like always, seeing her and hearing her voice was enough to stun me. That was probably something that would never change, no matter how often she visited me in my dreams.
For once, Lily didn’t have on the red and white tracksuit she was wearing the day she was killed. She looked completely different—dressed in the navy blue bikini she bought the summer before she died. Instead of a tight ponytail, her golden brown hair was piled on top of her head in a messy knot, and she looked relaxed. Happy. She stood at the side of my bed, adjusting the top of her bathing suit and muttering how much she wished she had my boobs before lifting her gaze to mine.
“Now I’ve got your attention,” she teased, jumping beside me on the bed and sitting on her knees. Staring down at my reclining body, she narrowed her eyes sternly. “Were you planning on sleeping all day?” As she flung my bedspreads off the bed, the clean scent of her sunblock filled the air around us. “Oh come on, Evie. You have to get up and get it over with. You’re gonna thank me when—”
You’re gonna thank me when you graduate.
Though I'd hated those words coming from her mouth when she was still with me, there was nothing I wouldn't give to hear Lily admonish me face-to-face one more time.
“I’m up.” I slid my body into an upright position and rested my back against the headboard. Lolling my head to the side, I gazed at my sister who almost immediately offered me that heart-stopping, breath-catching smile. The one that crinkled the corners of her chocolate brown eyes. The one immortalized in the form of a girl just a few weeks shy of her eighteenth birthday. It was the smile that, even though I was dreaming, sent a harsh blast of pain through my chest.
Still, if this were all I have left of Lily, I’d take it.
I’d rather have this than nothing at all.
“You just closed your eyes again!” my sister shrieked in mock outrage. I felt her hand on my shoulder, shaking me gently. “Evelyn!”
“Lilianna,” I countered, fluttering my lashes apart and giving her a look that would rival the Cheshire cat. She hated being called by her full name almost as much as I did, and she responded to what I said by crossing her bare arms over her chest and twisting her lips to the side. “See, they're open now. Happy?”
“I’ll only be happy when you get out of bed before you screw your day to pieces.” A few seconds later after I swore up and down that I was definitely getting up, she slid off the mattress and padded across the carpet toward the closed door.
That was when panic hit me full-force, and I'd scrambled off the bed to follow her. “Where are you going, Lil?” I demanded, nothing the desperation dripping from my voice. With her shoulders trembling slightly with laughter, she shook her head and tossed a mischievous grin behind her.
“I’m wearing a bathing suit. Please don’t tell me you’ve lost all your common sense since I left?”
Ignoring the rare display of what Lily had always called “Evie-esque sarcasm” from my soft-spoken and sweet sister, my next question stopped her in her tracks. “Will ... will you be back?”
She faced me slowly, a few strands of hair tumbling out of her hairband as she moved her head up and down in an effort to put my mind at ease. Her grin faded away to a sad smile that sent every feel imaginable tumbling through me. “You know I will,” she swore. Then, rolling her brown eyes, she’d shrugged her shoulders. “You know, as long as you get your lazy butt out of bed.”
Those words, and Lily’s promise to return, ripped me out of my sleep. I sat up in bed abruptly, dragging in a deep breath, my hands reaching out in the darkness as if I’d be able to touch my sister if I tried hard enough. It wasn’t possible, and I hugged my arms around myself and squeezed my eyes together because she was gone. Again. And no matter how much I dreamt about her, how much I thought about her, that would always be our reality.
I’d stayed like this for a long time, with my breathing pushing in and out slowly, until a strong hand touched the small of my back. It ran carefully up my spine before touching my shoulder.
“Are you alright?”
Forcing my eyes open, I glanced down at Rhys’ sleepy, confused smile. “I am,” I said.
“You don’t look alright, Evelyn.” He’d started to sit up beside me, but I stopped him, pressing my palm against the middle of his ripped chest. “What are you doing?” he yawned.
Glancing at the alarm clock on his nightstand to see that it was only a few minutes before five and we had a few hours of rest left, I leaned in close to him. He feathered his fingers over my cheek before tucking a strand of long chestnut hair behind my ear. “I’m going back to sleep and so should you. I promise I’m fine.” Because even though dreaming about Lily tore me up inside, there would always be something so comforting, so beautiful, that came with those moments with her.