‘Sometimes, if I drink too much, and I’m feeling low, a part of me wants to die.’ I thought, Who is showing whom their bloody rag now?
‘Why were you feeling low?’
‘Why does anyone? It creeps up on you from time to time.’
‘But you were glad the one moment, then suddenly not.’
I shrugged. In the road I saw a man who was familiar to me, but I could not determine his position in my past. His carriage was heavy and dazed, his gait aimless, as though he did not have any one destination in mind. ‘I know that person,’ I said, pointing. The woman stood beside me to look but the man had moved out of sight. Straightening her dress, she asked, ‘Will you come walking with me or not?’
I ate some tooth powder and she led me down the hall by my arm. As we passed the open door to Mayfield’s parlor I saw the boss man sleeping facedown at his desk, head and arms resting amid the upset of bottles and cigar ash, the three toppled bells. There was a large whore, stark naked and flat on her back on the floor beside him. Her face was turned away and I paused to watch her dozing body, breasts and stomach rising and falling with her breath. Here was the picture of moral negligence, and I found myself startled by the sight of her genitals, the hair matted and stamped upon. I noticed my hat was hanging from the antler of a buck on the far wall and I crossed the great room to retrieve it. Achieving this, I was doubling back, dusting ash from the hat’s brim when I tripped and fell onto the floor. I had been caught up on the fur stretching rack, which I now saw was without the red pelt. This had not been untied, but quickly and indelicately cut away. I looked back at the bookkeeper standing under the jamb; her eyes were closed and she was rolling her head in slow circles and I thought, She is stuck fast under the weight of her burdens.
Chapter 31
The road had turned to mud and deep puddles, and to cross we were forced to hobble over a series of wooden planks. The woman enjoyed this and her laughter was clear and rich in the morning. Her laughter and this cold, fresh air, I thought. They are just the same welcome and cleansing thing to me. It is odd to think this struck me as an adventure, I who had had so many truly dangerous adventures already, but there I was, holding her hand and pointing the way along the rocking boards; nausea was ever looming but this only made the event that much more comical, and therefore merry. By the time we arrived on the far side of the road my boots were mud covered but hers had not a blemish upon them and for this she said the words, ‘Thank you.’ Safely installed on the dry wooden walkway, she held her grip on my arm for a half-dozen paces, then broke off to pat and refashion her hair. I do not think there was any precise need for her to have broken away, that it was done in the name of good taste and principles. I believe she enjoyed the feel of my arm and wished to grip it longer. This at any rate was my hopeful impression.
I asked, ‘How is it working for Mayfield?’
‘He pays me well enough, but he is hard to be around, always wanting to show he is the right one. He was a good man, before he hit his strike.’
‘He looks to be spending it quickly enough. Perhaps he will change back to the first man once it’s all gone.’
‘He will change, but not back to the first man. He will become a third man, and I think the third will be even less pleasant than the second.’ I remained quiet and she added, ‘Yes, there isn’t anything to say about it.’ A moment passed and she reached up to grip my arm again. I felt proud, and my legs were sure and confident beneath me. I said, ‘How is it that my door was locked this morning? Did you return later in the night to visit me?’
‘You don’t remember?’ she asked.
‘I am sorry to say I don’t.’
‘That makes me feel just wretched.’
‘Will you explain what happened?’
She considered this, and said, ‘If you really want to know, you will recall it by your own force of mind.’ Thinking of something, she laughed once more, and the sound was bright and diamond shaped.
‘Your laughter is like cool water to me,’ I said. I felt my heart sob at these words, and it would not have been hard to summon tears: Strange.
‘You are so serious all of a sudden,’ she told me.
‘I am not any one thing,’ I said.
Reaching the edge of town, we crossed another line of planks and returned in the direction of the hotel. I thought of my room, of the bed I had slept in; I imagined my shape indented over the blankets. Remembering, then, I said, ‘He is the weeping man!’
‘Who is?’ asked the woman. ‘The what, now?’
‘The person I saw from the window that I said was familiar to me? I met him in Oregon Territory some weeks ago. My brother and I were riding out of Oregon City and came across a lone man leading a horse on foot. He was in great distress but would not accept our help. His grief ran deep and made him unreasonable.’
‘Had his luck changed at all, did you notice?’
‘It did not appear to have, no.’
‘Poor soul.’
‘He makes good time for a hysterical man on foot.’
A pause, and she let go of my arm.
‘Last night you spoke of some pressing business in San Francisco,’ she said.
I nodded. ‘We are after a man called Hermann Warm who is said to be living there.’
‘What does that mean? After him?’
‘He has done something incorrect and we have been hired to bring him to justice.’
‘But you are not lawmen?’
‘We are the opposite of lawmen.’
Her face became pensive. ‘Is this Warm a very bad man?’
‘I don’t know. That is an unclear question. They say he is a thief.’
‘What did he steal?’
‘Whatever people normally steal. Money, probably.’ This lying made me feel ugly, and I searched around for something to look at and find distraction in but could not locate anything suitable. ‘Honestly, actually, he probably didn’t steal a penny.’ Her eyes dropped and I laughed a little. I said, ‘It would not surprise me in the least if he was perfectly innocent.’
‘And do you typically go after men you think are innocent?’
‘There is nothing typical about my profession.’ Suddenly I did not want to talk about it any longer. ‘I don’t want to talk about it any longer.’
Ignoring this statement, she asked, ‘Do you enjoy this work?’
‘Each job is different. Some I have seen as singular escapades. Others have been like a hell.’ I shrugged. ‘You put a wage behind something, it gives the act a sort of respectability. In a way, I suppose it feels significant to have something as large as a man’s life entrusted to me.’
‘A man’s death,’ she corrected.
I had not been certain she understood what my position consisted of. I was relieved to know she did—that I did not have to tell her precisely. ‘However you wish to phrase it,’ I said.
‘Haven’t you ever thought to stop?’
‘I have wanted to,’ I admitted.
She took up my arm again. ‘What about after you deal with this man, Warm? What will you do then?’
I told her, ‘I have a small home outside of Oregon City that I share with my brother. The land is pretty but the house is cramped and drafty. I would like to move but can’t seem to find time to search out another spot. Charlie has many unsavory acquaintances. They have no respect for the traditional hours of sleep.’ But the woman was made restless by my answer and I said, ‘What is it that you are asking me?’
‘My hope is that I will see you again.’
My chest swelled like an aching bruise and I thought, I am a perfect ass. ‘Your hope will be fulfilled,’ I promised.
‘If you leave I don’t think I will see you anymore.’
‘I will be back, I give you my word.’ The woman did not believe me, however, or she only partially believed me. Looking up at my face she asked me to take off my coat, which I did, and she pulled a length of bright blue silk from her layers. She tied the sash over my shoulder, fastening it with a snug knot and afterward stepping back to look at me. She was very sad, and beautiful, her eyes damp and heavy with their powders and ancient spells. I placed my hands on the material but could think of nothing to say about it.