Lately, I’ve been thinking about it and what came to pass after the last dance a lot, but funnily enough, not K. I know, unbelievable, considering how many of your pages I wasted drooling after him. I’m sure he’s still handsome and all that. No doubt about that. But…
The letter says that he’ll love me forever and was planning to gallop to my rescue. But then his family, who’d sided with us of course, had to flee the gagargi’s persecution, and his parents forced him to leave the country with them. He’s safe now, at the Southern Colonies, where the sun doesn’t warm him like my smile once did, where the night is cold but not as cold as his heart is without a reassurance of my eternal love.
Once upon a time, the words would have sent me tearfully brooding for weeks, if not for months. Or years. To be finally confirmed that he loves me! To know he’s safe!
But I’ve had a lot of time to mull over both the first and only time we met and every word written on that precious piece of paper. I’ve come to realize that what I felt for him was never more than a passing infatuation, nothing upon which to build my whole life and existence. Nothing for which he should risk his life either—that I should have had the audacity to dream of this!
Scribs, I bet you noticed, I have my doubts about the letter’s origins. I, too, have changed during our confinement in this house, but it might be that my older sisters haven’t yet realized this. I know they have pitied me in the past—and possibly still do so—and I can’t blame them. For months and months, I only prattled about my debut and wanting to be just like Elise used to be (the Moon bless that I never actually turned into someone like her). I do appreciate them arranging the Ball. It was fun while it lasted. And enough.
I can see beyond the surface now. The handwriting on the letter isn’t that of my sisters. But who says they didn’t ask one of the guards, Captain Janlav perhaps, to write it, in a well-meant attempt to console me? If that’s what they did, I can say with a clear conscience that I won’t hold it against them. And if the letter is really from K, I wish him all the best and that he won’t cry after me for too long.
For even if we were to return to the Summer City, I don’t think I’d like the life there. And though my sisters mightn’t believe me—and hence I won’t share this with them—even if we’ll never leave this house, I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything. In the end, it’s not the balls and dresses and music and refreshments that are important. But being content.
I’m not lying here, Scribs, it’s the same thing as it was with the kiss. I thought I wanted it, but at the last moment, I changed my mind. Though Boy really likes me, and he’s turned into quite a handsome lad (I don’t know how I didn’t see it earlier), I don’t feel the same way about him (and it’s not because I’d still dream of Captain Janlav. That, too, was just a passing fancy). There mightn’t come another chance to kiss and be kissed, but for now it’s enough for me to know that if I’d so wanted, I could have done both.
And with that said, I’m perfectly happy with my life as it is.
Scribs, I don’t know if you can make out any of these words. The ink is running very low. And in any case, we’ve come to the last page. I want to thank you for your friendship and your company most loyal. You’ve helped me discover who I really am, and for that I’m eternally grateful.
Fare you well, my dear friend, I shall hide you in the secret compartment, for someone to find you.
For them to remember me.
Chapter 14: Elise
I’m not welcome. I’m akin to a weary traveler arriving at an inn, one who is turned away already at the gates. I’m akin to a tramp with an incurable disease that no one wants close to his loved ones in fear of contagion. I’m akin to a criminal who has broken the holiest of laws, one who has been judged before weighing the evidence. I’m akin to a woman who has knowingly betrayed the Crescent Empire.
My sisters and I no longer dance. Instead, after breakfast, my sisters play singing games. I don’t attempt to join their company anymore, but remain by the oval table and patch whatever garment has once more fallen into disrepair. If I were to try and partake in their activities, they would politely shuffle to make room for me. But none of them would pass me the clap. Or they would pretend not to hear my rhymes. Or then they would skip my turn altogether. These days, I’m more invisible to them than the fading ghosts.
The ghosts aren’t with us today. If they were, there would be a gap between Alina and Celestia. They would whisper ill words about me. They would call me a traitor.
In a sense, that is what I am. I have thought of our options long and hard, and now my mind is made up. I must find the courage to persist, to make sure we do the right thing, even if it goes against what Celestia, the Crescent Empress, believes.
The clapping stops, the game ends. Alina and Merile giggle as they cuddle the two dogs. But when Alina notices me looking at them, she turns her gaze down as if my shadow were of more interest to her than what I might have to say. Merile wraps an arm around our little sister and bares her teeth. It’s a warning. She doesn’t want me talking to them.
“That was such great fun,” Sibilia exclaims as she moves on to tend the dying fire. Though her enthusiasm is as far away from genuine as possible. We all know what awaits us. Some of us hide it better than the others.
“Yes,” Celestia replies as she settles in her customary place on the sofa by the windows. She crosses her elegant hands on her lap, straightens her back. “That it was. Please, while you are at it, do toss a few more logs in. It is feeling a bit damp here.”
With each passing day, Celestia and Sibilia look wearier. Though I haven’t been privy to their schemes since I played my part in the wedding ceremony, I know what they are up to. Sibilia is strengthening Celestia.
It is foolish of my sisters to think that they could defy the gagargi’s will. I have tried to reason with them, to no avail. As a result, I have been shunned out of the family as if I were no longer their sister. But regardless of what they might prefer, I’m still a Daughter of the Moon. I do miss Celestia, Sibilia, Merile, and Alina, I do long for their company, and I don’t want our ways to part in anger.
For only a day or two can remain before the gagargi sends for us.
The sheet of paper and the pen burn in my dress pocket. Captain Janlav was suspicious, rightfully so, when I asked for them. He thought I intended to write a letter, smuggle it out of the house, plead with someone, anyone to come to our aid. I swore under my father’s name that I wasn’t planning any such thing. I went as far as to tell him the truth. Upon hearing from my lips that he and the guards are now closer to me than my own family, he took pity on me.
Of course I would love nothing more than all of us leaving this house together and living our lives happily ever after. But if worst comes to worst and the gagargi holds Celestia accountable for the deal she made with him, my sisters and I really need to decide which one of us goes with her.
And so, I abandon the chair, the oval table, the needle and the thread.
“Sibilia,” I say in a gentle voice as I approach the fireplace, for my steps are silent and sure.
My sister flinches away from me, teeters on the divan’s edge. She bends to pick up a poker, prods the pathetically burning logs. The fire spits sparks as if to despise my very attempt to talk with my sister. As if it knew that I chose her because she has the softest heart, because once we were best friends.
“You don’t need a poker to protect yourself from me.” And I laugh girlishly, as if her defensive mannerism hadn’t hurt me deep inside.