“Stop it, you idiot!” Nina snubbed herself. “Don’t be such a wimp, have at least a drop of dignity, and stop degrading yourself with this pathetic, silly hope!” Under a shower of reproaches, the pathetic, silly hope shrank and hid somewhere for a while, only soon to appear again, none the worse for wear. During the daytime, Nina was usually able to hold it at bay, but it was harder at night.
Nina was not getting enough sleep and could barely work. Samsonov noticed that. Once, seeing her paleness as he came into her room, he asked, “What’s up with you, Nina? You look a fright.” His calling her by her first name (for the second time during their acquaintance!) made her start, and his unceremonious remark made her wince. “It’s nothing. I just didn’t sleep well.” That was the truth, or at least part of it.
Before leaving, Pavel Mikhailovich gazed at her intently again. “Still, Nina, I don’t like you. I know that you’re breaking your back over this job, and I appreciate that. You know what? Take a couple of days off, have a rest. I can’t let you have a real vacation but, I guess, we can spare two or three days…”
“No, thank you, I am all right,” Nina muttered. “It’s just…”
“Just what?”
It’s just I’m in love with you, you stupid man!
Pavel Mikhailovich was waiting, his grey eyes looking kindly at Nina. Nina had to decide – it was now or never.
“I just was thinking something over, sorting out a problem. That kept me awake till morning.”
“Well, did it work? Did you sort out your problem?” inquired Pavel Mikhailovich.
“Not quite. But I’m going to.”
Pavel Mikhailovich smiled encouragingly at his employee, “Good. But still, there is daytime for that sort of thing. I need you to make it to the end. Just hold on, it will be over soon. Then we’ll all be having rest.”
Samsonov left. He did not show any signs of fatigue himself, but Nina knew that he worked every day from early morning until late at night.
Thus Nina failed to confess her love to her man, missing a rare occasion when he showed some human care for her. She did not confess, but neither did she quit. All her righteous thoughts and decisions about leaving Gradbank were self-deception – she was unable to give up her daily meetings with that strong, unceremonious, unfeeling man. Her love.
Nina joined the multitudinous class of women that she had always heartily despised – women that were hopelessly in love with their unresponsive bosses. She would have laughed at herself, but laughing was painful because of the love which stuck in her breast, all bristled up like a porcupine.
Nina had not seen her father since his company had been sold. They called each other from time to time to exchange a few empty phrases. She wished him good health, and he wished her success in her career. Neither of the two suggested a meeting, and even those brief phone talks were burdensome to both.
Also, Nina’s father was away from the city for months as Lydia Grigorievna was taking him to one sanatorium after another. The sanatoria had done their work, and Yevgeniy Borisovich had recovered almost completely.
However, there was an occasion that could not be evaded – Nina’s father was turning fifty. A celebration was planned at his home to which some employees of his former company were invited – in fact, all those with whom Yevgeniy Borisovich had once planned to celebrate the acceptance of his main project. He called Nina to invite her, and Lydia Grigorievna joined in to say a few friendly words. Everyone pretended that there had been no hurt feelings or estrangement between them.
That was a chance to repair their relationship. Nina knew what was expected of her: to play the role of a loving daughter who was by her father’s side on his anniversary, comforting him with her attention and avoiding any painful subjects. However, she discovered with a sad feeling that she did not really care about all that any longer – her resentment had burnt out, and her childish love for her father had gone, too. She was a different person now.
The celebration started very smoothly. Lydia Grigorievna surpassed herself as a cook, and the table was overladen with exquisite snacks. The guests maintained a pleasant table conversation and seemed to be really glad to see the host who looked fine and was quite communicable except that from time to time he fell into a slight trance and for a few minutes, stopped reacting to anything or anyone around him. Toasts were proposed, and glasses were clinked – everything was going on the way it should be. As a birthday present, Nina gave her father a beautiful cashmere pullover with a domino pattern which had always been his favorite.
After a third glass, Nikolai Nikolayevich started talking about work. Failing to notice warning signs that Lydia Grigorievna was giving, he announced that all the key employees had kept their jobs in the company, and on the whole, things were going pretty well. The new director was a good engineer.
“You know him, Yevgeniy Borisovich – he worked with you at one time.” Nikolai Nikolayevich said the name of the new boss. “Of course, he’s no match for you, Yevgeniy Borisovich, but he’s all right.”
Nina cast a look at her father. Yevgeniy Borisovich was chewing away at roast beef in silence.
“Honestly, Yevgeniy Borisovich, you built up one great engineering firm, you have,” Nikolai Nikolayevich went on, and then he suddenly turned to Nina, “We owe an earthly bow to Nina Yevgenievna, too – she got us through the tough times. I can’t stop wondering how you managed that, Nina Yevgenievna. All that finance and accounting are Chinese to me, but thank God you’re an expert in that kind of thing. I can’t remember – where do you work, Nina Yevgenievna?”
“I work in Gradbank,” Nina said distinctly, though not very loudly.
There was a pause. Nina’s father was still chewing away at the roast beef.
“And we’re just back from Carlsbad!” Lydia Grigorievna cried out. “You can’t imagine what beauty it is. What with the architecture and scenery… Just listen – I played roulette in the very casino Dostoyevski had played in once. I actually won ten euros! Mark my word, everyone should visit the place, it’s just a must… And now – the main course!”
Nina was not sure whether her father had heard what she had said. But she did not really care, neither she was going to explain anything. As soon as she got a chance, she proposed a toast for him and left the celebration under some pretext.
Nina, with her love, went on working for Samsonov. Unable to decide anything, she surrendered herself to what was happening to her. That was not at all in her nature, or rather, not in her former nature, for now she no longer knew what her nature really was or whether she had any of it at all. She did not know, but neither did she try to find out. Contrary to her life-long habit, she did not analyze the events of her life but simply flowed with the current without thinking. She even came to find certain comfort in not having to decide anything any longer – come what might, she would accept it.
Love dwelled in her breast and behaved like a tyrant there, but little by little Nina got used to it, and her daily existence got back on track more or less. She regained her ability to go to sleep at night. All it took was sending mentally a confession of love to her man a few times – twenty times usually did the trick. Getting enough sleep, she was able to concentrate on her work. Nina had always known how to work and loved working – that was her lifeboat in the sea of life, and that lifeboat was rescuing her once again.
Nina soon became adapted to working on the twelfth floor. That was Mount Olympus, a place that most of the bank’s employees never once visited in their life. If they had visited it, they would have discovered that there was only one Olympian god at the top. Pavel Mikhailovich Samsonov. The rest of those admitted were no more than favored mortals – they had been elevated because they had attracted the benign attention of the all-powerful Director, and they could roll down in a blink if they incurred his displeasure. However, the members of that inner circle valued highly their privileged position and let everyone else feel it. Nina observed many times how those selected greeted each other over the heads of the ordinary folks, patted each other’s backs with a special expression on the face, and switched to an intimate half-whisper to share news about some important matters that were inaccessible to the laymen.