Her life together with us — myself and my wife and the children — was not to last long. My marriage soon broke up. It was as if my mother forgot that I was her son and not her irresponsible husband; she began to address me by his name and blamed his escapades for the failings in our family life. She identified wholly with my wife of the time and, with a fervor she had lacked at the meetings of the feminists in Reps, lectured her on her right to emancipation from the bondage of marriage and from housewifely and maternal duties. These sermons did not fall on deaf ears. My wife emigrated to Africa and I too left Germany; the children were sent to boarding school. My mother remained alone in wretched circumstances, which I could have alleviated somewhat. I did not do so. She probably derived some consolation and a few happy moments from her love for my youngest son. In her relation with him all her lyrical capacity for love, freed of trivial obsessions, blossomed once more, and he kept as affectionate an image of her as I in the days of my childhood.
On a single memorable occasion I saw her emerge once more from the spell cast by her lifelong rancor. It must have been at some time in the early 1950s, when we lived in a village not far from Rothenburg ob der Tauber. She was waiting for us in this toy-box town at the top of a street sloping up to the city hall square, among turrets and gabled houses. Summery crowds were all about, as she stood looking for us over the heads of people around her… and there she appeared to me for an instant, stretching her head, as remote from the world and astounded as a mermaid about to arise from the waters, peeking through reeds into the alien world of humans to see if she could not find one among them who would free her by saying the magic word…. She was wearing one of those cakelike hats, a fashion by which elderly ladies seem to demonstrate their loyalty toward erstwhile local sovereign princesses, foremost Queen Mary of England. For once her pale blue eyes under her high arched brows were not clouded by bewilderment and terror-bound panicky expectation of ever new catastrophes but instead expressed a determined distancing from the world around her: she knew she was different from the crowds; they were not of her kind. As soon as she had caught sight of us, she once more began to flicker in nervous anticipation, besieged again by claims to which she was unequal and by which she was burdened by unjust fate. Her head sagged, her movements became wooden, her speech fidgety. But for a fleeting moment she had echoed her former self: delicate and fair, in all the comeliness that had been hers before the bewitchment set in.
Finally, after another two decades, at the age of eighty-six, she found her way back to her true self. I visited her in a home near Starnberg, where she led a vegetative existence. She was as fragile and bleached-white as a stranded piece of cuttlefish. A gentle smile nested in the web of hair-thin wrinkles spun over her face. I felt very guilty. With a ruthlessness that I may well have inherited from her, I had kept myself remote from her; now she enfolded me in her arms as her long-lost son. I took her to a restaurant close by, on the lakeshore. She was barely able to eat a mouthful of trout. She set her fork down, looked at me and said: “Why can’t I die finally? I can’t eat anything anymore, I can barely crawl, can’t sleep — and the worst of it: I’m getting dottier by the day!” With which she burst into the same relieving and redeeming laughter as on that day, some fifty years earlier, when we lost the beautiful ship’s model in Constanţa.
A few weeks later she fell into a coma. Blue lights flashing and siren howling, an ambulance took her to the hospital’s intensive care unit, where she was kept alive for another six months, connected to a multitude of tubes and pipes, even though she was barely conscious. Under the still full hair, much finer and less vital than Cassandra’s — never had she shielded me protectively in its wealth, nor had I ever wished for her to do so — there no longer was any flesh on her face: the skin was stretched like crumpled paper over her head’s delicate bone structure. Around the thin lips, barely parted, there still floated a forlorn smile. When I took her hand — a fragile, almost desiccated hand, with blue veins bulging under the skin — her lids twitched as if she were trying to look at me. She could no longer manage this but her smile deepened: she had recognized me. “Thank you,” she whispered tonelessly, “thank you.’’
The Father
The windfall is so old that one can walk straight through the fallen trees: they crumble like tinder. Only the thick moss that has grown over their bark holds them together in the form of trunks. In between, primeval plants proliferate: ferns and horse willow; club moss, which takes decades to grow an inch, crawls yard-long all over the soil. From the giant pines still standing, pale gray lichen hang like the beards of old men. The eagles here are double-headed, but they are without aeries. Except for the ghostly drumming of woodpeckers near and far, a deadly silence reigns. The stealthy steps of the hunter are those of a murderer.
If I am to say which of his traits was most characteristic of him, I would say his brightly luminous temperament. I speak of “brightness,” for his mood was not always cheerful and at times could be very bad indeed. But even when he was in a bad mood, cross, sullen, coldly vexed, prone to dramatize, sharply cutting or on occasion thoughtlessly destructive, it was like a rainstorm over Naples: over the massed clouds and their occasional discharges stretched a sky that soon again was certain to be as immaculate in its light blue expanse as before. When nothing untoward happened to annoy him, he would sing in the mornings, loudly and out of tune: a medley of arias from operas, folk songs, ditties and student songs from his youth. His temperament was innately radiant. Given the decisive importance this kind of physiological predisposition holds in the alchemy of getting along together, I can understand my mother’s nagging resentment of him: what she really objected to in him, morally and psychologically, were his high spirits. It was the resentment of the supposedly ailing against the healthy, of the allegedly frail against the rudely robust. As he himself used to say repeatedly, “It’s all chemical anyway.’’
At one time or another his early-morning singing triggered the rancor of helpless vexation in all of us. After he had separated from my mother and when I had taken over her former bedroom, which was connected to his own by a bathroom — between schools I spent a happy year at home together with him — I waited each morning burrowed under the pillows, in nervous anticipation of the beginning of his unfailing ritual as he cheerfully embraced the new day. This took place with clocklike regularity, with only a half-hour’s difference between winter and summer: in winter the bathroom door was flung open and his balled-up pajamas were flung at my head at half past five (five in the summer). Even though I expected it and knew how much pleasure the day would bring (woe betide the day when I might be awakened less boisterously!), I could not rid myself of a momentary and involuntary annoyance with this loud disruption.
True, it expressed his affection and his happiness in our being together, as did the rough jesting with which he treated his dogs (who idolized him for it), and he expected correspondingly high spirits in return, but I was not always equal to it. At times — for instance, during an uneasy phase of my adolescence when I would have preferred to stay in bed listening to records and dreaming of life’s grand promises — the morning ceremony seemed tiresome, though I appreciated its disarming humor. I never took it crossly, but sometimes I wished for a dampening of his early-hour boisterousness without having to fear that he was in a brown mood. I am certain that he never dared to wake my mother up in this manner (she kept the connecting door of the bathroom locked, probably also for other reasons), but I can imagine that similarly hearty attestations of his affection played havoc with her nerves.