As Julian drove away, a pain far worse than any the dog could’ve inflicted ate at his mind — the pain of knowing about his dad and of not knowing about Mia. And a burning sense of guilt filled his heart, scorching away the last vestiges of unreality, leaving behind something that seemed to him too dirty ever to be made clean.
The morning sun peeped over the heads of the trees, dappling the road with shadows, as Julian neared town. Panic drained through him at the thought of confronting his dad, but he didn’t hesitate. The stomach-churning images he’d seen kept replaying in his mind, propelling him onwards. They made him feel like thousands of insects were crawling over his skin. He tried to banish the sensation by opening the window, letting air rush over him. A bad smell hit his nostrils. He closed the window, but it made no difference. The smell seemed to be coming from everywhere at once, almost gag-inducing. He glanced at the suburban houses, wondering how many of them were inhabited by Mr X’s ‘decent, honest people’. All of them and none of them, came his mind’s embittered reply. Lies everywhere. Nothing but stinking, rotten lies.
When Julian pulled up outside his parents’ house, he sat gripping the steering-wheel. Seconds passed, minutes. He couldn’t bring himself to get out of the car, couldn’t even bring himself to look at the house. He stared at the garden — its manicured lawns, its well-pruned shrubs and well-weeded flower beds. He looked at the forest beyond, pressing close to the fence, the trees digging their roots under it, the ivy creeping over it. How long, he wondered, would it take for the forest to reclaim the garden if there was no one to care for it? How long would it take for a lifetime’s labour and love to be obliterated? Ten years? Twenty? Not even the blink of an eye on an evolutionary timescale.
“Not even the blink of an eye,” he murmured, tears pinching the corners of his eyes.
Julian jerked around at a knock on the passenger-door window. His dad’s smiling face was peering through the glass at him. He was ready for work, his hair neatly combed, his face closely shaven. His eyes were full of anticipation and hope. For the first time in a long time he looked truly happy. Julian hated him suddenly. Hated him with every cell of his body. He felt like springing out of the car, grabbing a fistful of his throat and demanding to know, how the fuck can you smile when your daughter’s missing?
Julian lowered the window and Robert said, “Where’ve you been all night?” Before Julian could reply, speaking fast and excitedly, he went on, “Never mind. Great news, Jules. The buyer decided to go with us. He’s put in an order that’s even bigger than I’d hoped for. Big enough not only to keep us afloat, but to make us profitable again.”
“Great news,” agreed Julian, his voice flat, hollow.
Robert didn’t appear to notice. “You’d better hurry and get changed for work. It’s going to be a busy day.”
“I’m not going-”
Robert spoke over Julian. “We’ve got a hell of a lot to do if we’re going to get this order out on time. We need to contact our suppliers and order extra, well, extra everything. We need to talk to the staff, find out who’s willing to work overtime. We might even need to look into taking on some new-”
“Shut the fuck up!” The words burst out of Julian like bullets. Robert stared at him, wide-eyed, mouth hanging open. Anger pulsing behind his eyes, Julian said, “I know, Dad.”
“Know what?”
“Everything.” Julian stabbed his finger at the videotape on the front-passenger seat. “I know everything.”
Robert looked at the tape. ‘Robert Harris. 14/9/94’ was written on it. He screwed his eyes shut and opened them, blinking as if unsure where he was. An expression of sudden, sick clarity settled on his face. He clutched the window-frame as if for support, head sagging. His mouth worked soundlessly a moment, before he managed to say, “How?”
“Mr X gave it to me.”
Robert lifted a stunned, bewildered face to Julian. “Why?”
“He says you’re all used up, squeezed dry.”
“But I paid him.” Anger flashed in Robert’s eyes. He drove the heel of his hand into the car door with enough force to dent it. “I fucking paid him! I fucking…” His voice trailing off, he stared as if dead at the ground for half-a-minute, before murmuring, “I always knew this day would come. I’ve been waiting for it for fifteen years.”
“How could you do such a thing?”
“It was just one time. I let it get the better of me one time. I’ve hated myself for it ever since.”
“Liar! If you hated yourself for it, why did you abandon your children?” As Robert jerked his gaze up in horrified astonishment, Julian continued, “That’s right, I know about Mia and Jake. I told you, I know everything.”
“Did he tell you about them?” Robert said the word ‘he’ with trembling hate in his voice.
“No. I worked that one out all by myself. How could you do it to them? How could you let them grow up like that?”
“I did it for you and your mother.”
“Don’t you fucking dare.” Julian spoke through clenched teeth. “Don’t you dare try to use us as an excuse.”
“What else was I supposed to do? I would’ve lost everything over two children I couldn’t even be sure were mine.”
“You fucking weasel!” The force of Julian’s words took even him by surprise. “You knew. You fucking knew they were yours!”
“Please, Julian, try to understand. I worked so hard for what I had. I couldn’t just throw that away.” Robert gave a hopeless shake of his head. “But how can you understand? You’ve never known a day’s want in all your life.”
“So it was about money.”
“It was about protecting what I love. I love you, Julian.”
The words — words Julian had waited all his life to hear — sliced through the hard, blackened lump that was his heart. “Don’t,” he said, his voice thickening and hoarse. “You’ve got no right to say that to me. Not now.”
“If I’d acknowledged those children, who would it have benefited?” Robert pressed on, sensing his son’s weakness. “Nobody. My marriage would’ve been over. My business ruined. I wouldn’t have been able to give them or you any kind of life. So I made a choice. And every day since, I’ve lived with that choice.”
“Yes, you’ve lived with it. But Deborah Bradshaw couldn’t. She died because of your choice, indirectly or directly.”
“What are you suggesting?” A fresh wave of disbelief swept over Robert’s face. “Christ, are you suggesting I murdered her? Do you really think me capable of such a thing?”
“I don’t know what it’s capable of.”
At the mention of it, Robert lowered his eyes again as if to hide what was behind them. “I may be a fucking bastard, Julian, but I’m not a monster.”
“How can I believe you?”
“Because I’m your father and I’ve never lied to you.”
Julian shook his head, incredulous. “No, you’ve never lied to me, but you’ve never told me the truth either.”
“I know what I’ve done is unforgivable. So I’m not going to ask for your forgiveness, Julian. But I am asking you to spare your mum. She’s been through so much already. This would finish her off.”
“Maybe that’d be for the best.”
Robert shifted his gaze back to Julian, eyes glazed with shock. “How can you say such a thing?”
“You’ve made her life a lie, and I’m not sure I can bear the thought of her living that life any longer.”
“You don’t mean that, Julian. You’re upset. Not thinking straight.”
“I’m thinking perfectly straight, for perhaps the first time in my life. You’re the embodiment of everything she hates.” Julian winced with revulsion. “The thought of you touching her, kissing her, it makes me want to puke.”
Face twitching, Robert wrung his hands. For a second, Julian thought his dad was going to fall apart completely, collapse in a heap. But then he took a steadying breath. “Okay, let’s talk about this, see if we can come to some sort of agreement,” he said, putting on his business-face. “I can’t undo what I’ve done, but I can try to put things right as best I can. I’ll give Jake, and Mia if she turns up alive, the life they deserve. I’ll pay for their schooling, find them jobs, whatever it takes. They wouldn’t have to know where the money was coming from. I could go through a third party. It’d be difficult, but it can be arranged.”