“Therefore we should leave as soon as possible.”
“You should indeed.”
“We. I have come back for you, Carlotta.”
“You are mad,” I said.
“Yes,” he agreed, “for you.”
“It has been years …”
“Four,” he said. “It is too long to be without you. No one else will do for me. I have learned that.”
“You did not come for me alone.”
“I mix business and pleasure.”
“You waited a long time,” I said.
“I did not know then how important you are to me.”
“I suppose you imagine that you only have to come and beckon and I shall drop everything and follow you. Do you think of yourself as some divinity and I your humble disciple?”
“What gave you such an idea? Was it because you felt that fitted the case?”
“This is nonsense. I must go. I saw you at the window. It was foolish to come here. Someone might have seen you. The dogs could have been released. I came out to warn you—that was all.”
“Carlotta, you are more beautiful than ever and you lie just as glibly. Did you enjoy our adventure on the road? You did not recognise me immediately, did you? I know just when the moment came. Then I knew … and you knew … that it was just as it had been …”
“You play such foolish jokes. You could have been caught on the road there and hanged as a thief.”
“Dear Carlotta, I live dangerously. Death is prowling round the corner all the time. He may catch up with me at some time. It is a great game I play with him. I am on such familiar terms with him that he has ceased to frighten me.”
“It would be a different matter if you were in some noisome dungeon in the Tower, I’ll swear.”
“But I am not. And I don’t intend to be. By the way, who won the chess?”
“My husband.”
“So you have been unfaithful to me, Carlotta.”
“I married him because of you,” I said.
He gripped my arm.
“I was going to have a child. It seemed the easiest way out.”
I heard him gasp. Then he said: “That enchanting creature …”
“Clarissa. Yes, you are her father.”
“Carlotta.” He almost shouted and I said: “Be quiet. Do you want to bring someone out here?”
He held me against him and put his lips to my ear. “Our child, Carlotta. My daughter. She took to me. She gave me the tail of her sugar mouse. I shall tell her that I shall keep it forever.
“It will probably melt,” I said. “And I shall certainly not tell her. I want her to forget the incident as soon as possible.”
“My daughter Clarissa, you say. I loved her on sight.”
“You love very easily, I daresay.”
“You are coming with me … both of you. I shall not rest until we are all together.”
“Do you really believe that you can uproot us like that after all this time?”
“I invariably do what I set out to,” he said.
“Not with me.”
“I did once. Ah, but you were willing, were you not? What a time that was. Do you remember when we were down there by the sea and the horseman came riding by?”
I said: “I am going in. I shall be missed.”
“Get the child and come with me.”
“You really are crazy. The child is in bed and fast asleep. Do you really think I can get her up and walk out of my husband’s house just like that?”
“It is not an impossible feat.”
“It is. It is. Go away. Go back and play with your conspirators. Go and plan your Jacobite plans. But don’t involve me in this. I am for the Queen.”
He laughed aloud. “You care nothing who is on the throne, my darling. But you do care a little, I think, who shares your life. I am going to do that. I shall not leave this country without you.”
“Good night and take my advice. Go away quickly and don’t come here again.”
I pulled myself away from him but he held me fast.
“One moment,” he said. “How can I reach you? How can I get in touch with you?”
“You cannot.”
“We must have a trysting place.”
I thought of Benjie then I said firmly: “It is over. I want to forget we ever met. It was unfortunate. You forced me to become your mistress.”
“It was the happiest time I ever knew and I did not force you.”
“That is how I see it.”
“And the result was that child. I want her, Carlotta. I want you both.”
“You did not know of her existence a few days ago.”
“I wish I had. You are coming away with me.”
“No, no, no,” I said. “I have a good husband. I intend never to deceive him again …” The word slipped out but he did not notice. I kept thinking of Benjie’s face when I had returned and how tender he had been, how unsuspecting, endowing me with qualities I did not possess and shaming me so that I felt I wanted to be as he thought me.
But I kept remembering Hessenfield and those magic moments with him; and I wanted to be taken up and carried off as I was on that other occasion.
“I might have to communicate with you suddenly,” he said. “How?”
“You can scarcely come to the house and call.”
“Is there somewhere where I can leave word?”
I said: “There is an old tree trunk at the edge of the shrubbery. We used to leave notes in it when I was a child. Come, I’ll show you.”
He followed me swiftly through the shrubbery.
“If you approach from the back,” I said, “you would stand less chance of being seen, but do not attempt to come here in daylight.”
I showed him the tree. It was an oak which had been struck by lightning years ago. It should have been cut down, people were always saying that it should be done, but it never was. I used to call it the post box, because there was a hole in the trunk and if one put a hand in there was quite a little cavity there.
“Now go,” I begged.
“Carlotta.” He held me against him and kissed me. I felt myself weakening. It must not be. I hated myself. But my feelings would not be suppressed.
I tore myself away.
“I shall come back for you,” he whispered.
“You waste your time. Go away … quickly, and please do not come back.”
I ran through the shrubbery and back to the house. I slipped off my cloak relieved that no one had noticed my absence.
I went up to Clarissa’s room and opened the door and looked in.
I tiptoed to the bed; she was sleeping peacefully. She looked serene and beautiful.
“Is anything wrong?” It was Jane Farmer, her nursery governess, a good and efficient woman who was devoted to Clarissa without spoiling her.
“No. I just looked in to see if she was all right.”
If Jane was surprised she did not show it.
“She’s fast asleep,” she whispered. “She drops off almost immediately she’s in bed. It is because she has so much energy. She tires herself out but she’ll be full of life when she wakes up. Well, that is as it should be. She is more full of life than any child I ever knew.”
I nodded. “I won’t disturb her.”
I went quietly out. His child! I fancied she had more than a slight look of him. I was not surprised—and a little proud—that he had been so taken with her.
I was deeply disturbed. I wanted to be alone to think.
But it was impossible to be alone.
I went up to our bedroom. I had only been there a few minutes when Benjie came in.
I was at the dressing table brushing my hair and he came and stood behind me looking at it.
“Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve you,” he said.
I felt sick with shame.
“You are so beautiful,” he went on. “I never saw anyone as lovely. My mother was a great beauty in her day … But you … you are the most lovely creature that ever was.”