“Sure we can,” she promised him. “If we have to. But I don’t think it’ll come to that. I know both of you and you’re good, decent people who love each other very much. Most of the time, you can barely take your eyes off of each other. Yet right now you’re afraid to so much as make eye contact. Would you like me to tell you why? Because you did something horrible together and you both know it. The guilt is already eating away at you. I know it’s eating away at me.”
“At you?” Amber frowned at her, puzzled. “Why you?”
“Because I should have seen this coming and headed it off. It was staring me right in the face, damn it. Richard told me what the deal was. Put it right out there when I found him out on Big Sister that day. He kept muttering it over and over again: ‘They both threw me out. They both threw me out.’ I thought he was referring to Clay and Carolyn. My bad. He meant Carolyn and you, Amber. Both of the women in his life. When he took that afterdinner stroll from Mrs. Beckwith’s he didn’t head for his old place to see Carolyn or Molly. He showed up here to beg you to leave Keith. He was still crazy about you, wasn’t he? Couldn’t get you out of his system. It’s like a very wise person said to me last night: You can’t turn it on and off like a faucet.”
Amber gazed at her searchingly for a long moment. “Keith and I… weren’t married yet.” Her voice was soft and trembly. “When Richard and I got involved, I mean.”
“Do not say another word,” Keith ordered her.
“Oh, screw that,” Amber shot back. “I’m tired of keeping quiet. Keeping quiet has done nothing but send us straight to hell.” She drew in a ragged breath and continued. “Keith and I got into this huge fight at Thanksgiving last year because I wanted to set our wedding date and he didn’t. He wanted to wait a while longer. You know how scared off men can get.”
“Sure,” Des said. “Not like us.”
“Things got so out of hand between the two of us that I threw him out. He moved back in with his brother Kevin. We were through, okay? It was over between us. Not for long. We patched things up over Christmas and Keith moved back in. We were married soon after that. But during those few weeks we were apart I was real lonely and hurting. Vulnerable, too, I guess. Richard knew right away that Keith wasn’t around anymore. And one night he stopped by. Confessed that he’d been madly in love with me ever since I was a sophomore, barely nineteen. I’d never known how he felt. I mean, sure, he helped me get into Yale and found me this cottage and all. But I thought he was just interested in me as a promising young scholar. I realize now how incredibly naive and stupid that sounds. An older man taking an interest in a female protege-it has to be about sex, right?”
Des didn’t answer. It wasn’t really a question.
“But Richard was never like that. He’d never so much as hinted that he wanted me. Besides, he and Carolyn seemed so happy together. And he adored Molly. I-I was shocked when he told me. And flattered. And angry at Keith. And, let’s face it, just a total fool. Because I let it happen, okay? It was all over in a couple of weeks as far as I was concerned. Had to be over. I’m not the sort of person who can sneak around with a married man in a succession of cheap motels scattered halfway across the state. He had Carolyn and Molly to think about. I had Keith.” She gazed up at him, smiling sadly. “We were totally miserable those weeks we were apart. And so we got married and our lives returned to normal. I didn’t tell him about Richard. And Richard didn’t tell Carolyn about me. We agreed it would be better for everyone if we kept it a secret. We all need our secrets, right? No one tells their loved ones everything.” Amber halted, her eyes shining. “But Richard wouldn’t let go. He kept calling me on my cell phone. Saying he was going to leave Carolyn. That without me he had nothing to live for. I told him no a million times. He wouldn’t listen to me. Just kept calling and calling. Sounding increasingly, I don’t know, unstrung with every call. And then the crazy fool went and did it. He told Carolyn he was in love with someone else.”
“Did he tell her it was you?”
Amber shook her head. “Richard had an intensely old-fashioned sense of honor. Behaving like a ‘gentleman’ meant everything to him. Carolyn’s response was to throw him out, ‘gentleman’ or not. He moved into Bob Sorin’s guest house, and that’s when he really started to lose it. I could barely make sense out of what he was saying on the phone. And then one night he even showed up here. Knocked on that very door right there and begged me to take him back. Thank God Keith had volunteer fire department business and wasn’t home. When I said no he fell to his knees and started to weep. Then he marched up the lane and stood out there in his own driveway begging Carolyn to take him back.”
“This was the night he and Clay got into their fight?”
“It was,” Amber confirmed. “I felt… I feel responsible.”
“You weren’t,” Keith argued. “It was all his own doing. He should never have come sniffing around you in the first place. A professor is an authority figure. A guy in his position isn’t supposed to hit on students.”
“I wasn’t his student anymore,” Amber reminded him, a defensive edge creeping into her voice. “And I’m not a child. I’m twenty-three.”
“Tell you what,” Des interjected. “We can debate that point another time. Right now, let’s talk about the night Richard died.”
“He came back,” Amber said hopelessly, her eyes puddling with tears. “We were in here washing our dinner dishes. There was a knock on that door. I opened it and there he was again, demanding that I take him back. Only this time Keith was… he was standing right here, Des. And Richard just kept on ranting anyway. I’ll never, ever forget the look on Keith’s face. I’ve never seen such disbelief. Or such total rage. He’d been drying our carving knife when Richard showed up. Had it in his hand. And he just chased after Richard and h-he-”
“I made that bastard pay,” Keith blustered angrily. In fact, he was barely holding on to his composure even now. His face was red, eyes bulging, fists clenched. “And don’t ask me if I’m sorry it happened, Des, because I’m not. I’d do it all over again. Amber’s my wife. She’s mine. He had no right to demand anything. He sure as hell had no right to put his hands on her. I don’t care how many frigging postgraduate degrees he had. All I’ve got is a high school diploma, but I know right from wrong. And you don’t come to another man’s house and call out his wife. You just don’t do that to a man. Not without paying for it. Christ, what was that smug bastard thinking?”
“He wasn’t thinking,” Des responded quietly. “Not clearly anyhow.”
Despite the manly words coming out of his mouth Keith didn’t come off like a man to her. More like a jealous, possessive little boy who had anger management issues. A boy whose eyes had started flicking furtively over at the back door. He was thinking about making a run for it.
Des tensed immediately, sincerely hoping he wouldn’t. She didn’t want to have to shoot someone she had once considered a friend.
To her great relief, Keith returned to his senses and sank slowly into one of the kitchen chairs. “He had no right,” he repeated stubbornly. “Amber’s mine. And just thinking about the two of them in bed together gets my blood boiling so bad I can barely…” He ran a thick hand over his face, sighing dejectedly. “I’ve ruined both our lives for good, haven’t I?”
“And Richard’s for damned sure,” Des said. “Carolyn and Molly will never be the same. And then, of course, there’s Clay and Hector. But we won’t even go there.”
“Des, I do wish I could take that moment back,” he admitted. “But I can’t. It happened. I lost control. We are talking about blind rage. More than that even. It was… I was terrified.”
“Of what, Keith?”
“Losing her. I could feel my whole world-everything I live for and pray for-all going poof right before my eyes. You’ve got to understand something. I didn’t have much going for me when I was growing up. I was a lousy student, a no-good athlete. Just a big, dumb oaf going nowhere. Kevin was the shining star of our family. Kevin had the brains, the personality, the get-up-and-go. God, I wish I had a nickel for every time my parents said ‘Why can’t you be more like your brother?’ And when it came to girls, forget it. I was so bashful I could barely open my mouth-until Amber came along.” He gazed up at her lovingly, his eyes misting over. “I could say anything to Amber and she’d understand. Amber believed in me. She’s the best thing that’s happened to me in my whole life. I’d die without her. I guess that sounds pretty lame.”