Being devoured as a punishment would be appropriate for the python after he ate my ferret, but I was not sure how to arrange it. I have never heard of a snake being condemned to the arena. Or even put on trial first. Of course, if my father was a god and I was a demi-god, there would be no problem. Hercules strangled two snakes in his cradle, so I should be able to manage one python.
Jason behaved as if he thought himself superior quality, but I doubted whether he would commit suicide on my orders. He didn’t own a sword. Thalia says he is easy to train, but only by her because he is used to her. If I wasn’t a demigod, I might not manage to execute him myself, because I could see he is too strong. When Thalia does her rude dance with him, even though she is large she can barely carry his weight on her big shoulders. However, those of us who investigate guilty acts must go beyond the mere explanation of what happened, my other mother, Helena, says. We have to ensure justice on behalf of victims, to help their grieving relatives and friends. Also, there has to be social order.
So I decided Thalia was to blame because she owns this snake, and she kept him loose in her tent. If Ferret was to be properly avenged, I must apply the penalty. I would have to execute my mother.
2
The first thing you have to do when you investigate is make notes about the crime scene. This depends on being able to gain access, because the guilty parties or other annoying occupants may try to keep you out. Inspecting the scene of my ferret’s death was no problem, however, because I was living there. And so I can easily describe it.
My father has told me how to write up an enquiry. I don’t have a paying client to report to, but I still have to be specific, to help any poor barbarians who might read my account one day. So pay attention, hairy barbarians: the death of my ferret took place in the year of the consuls Titus Aurelius Fulvus and Marcus Asinius Atrantinus. Do not ask me who they are. Nonentities who won’t annoy the Emperor, says Falco. Ones who like risk, adds Albia. It happened in the city of Rome in Italy, Europe, the World. It was August and scorchingly hot.
A famous fact is that Rome is built on seven hills, but I know there are more. I have been making a list in my geography notebook and so far I have counted twelve hills, if you include the Oppian, Janiculan, Vatican, Cispian and Velian. While Mons Testaceus is a hill too, it consists of broken potsherds so I have decided that it doesn’t count. I believe the real ones are called: the Capitoline, Palatine, Aventine, Esquiline, Quirinal, Caelian and Viminal. As you can see, the hills of Rome are very badly organised. If I have identified the real Seven Hills correctly, they are all on the other side of the river from where Ferret was killed. They are in the main part of the city, where I grew up.
The river I mentioned is the famous River Tiber. It is the most important river in Italy, though it is full of brown mud and its flow is often sluggish. Don’t fall in or jump in because you may catch horrible diseases. It goes right past our house (where I used to live before Thalia collected me), which is on the Marble Embankment, a favourable position where you can look out and watch ships. Before the embankment was properly built, the house flooded every year. I have never seen that happen, I am sorry to say, but our downstairs rooms all have strange patches on their plaster and in winter they smell peculiar.
From our roof, which my father has cluttered up with flowerpots, you can look over the river at the Janiculan Hill. That is one of the extra hills of Rome that have been incorrectly added in by people who are not methodical. Lying below the Janiculan ridge is the Transtiberina district where many colourful foreigners live. It is the only official district of Rome on that side of the river. I was brought up on this side in the Aventine District, which is number thirteen. Thalia had taken me across to the Transtiberina, number fourteen, which is where Ferret was going to have his fatal meeting with the python. It was the first time Ferret and I visited the Transtiberina properly because I am not allowed to cross any of the bridges on my own.
Sometimes rules like that are imposed on me by Falco or Helena, who say it is for my safety. Usually I just pretend I have forgotten them telling me, and then I do what I want anyway. The rule about the bridges had managed to be followed correctly, mainly because I had not yet examined the lifestyles and character of any foreigners, a subject I was saving up until I could study them properly. I believe there are rather a lot of them and it will take a long time to place them all in categories.
I was interested to be taken across the river now, though as we made the journey many of the people we passed stared at us, which I found unpleasant. Thalia had clearly never heard my father’s rule, which he endlessly tells us, of do not draw attention to yourself. Her tiny clothes and the way she bulged out of them caused much excitement. She could never have gone on surveillance anywhere, if she suddenly spotted a villain who needed watching. The villain would notice her at once. She was in front, riding a donkey and carrying my luggage, so I lagged behind as much as possible hoping that nobody thought I was with her. Some whistled. Some called out rude words. I tried to remember the words, to add to a collection I keep.
From other occasions when Thalia had visited Rome, I had worked out why she set up camp in the Transtiberina. A lot of the people who worked for her and all of the animals were foreign, so they fitted in over there. Another reason was that the entertainments they gave to the public generally happened in that location. At the far end of the Janiculan Hill, the north end, the Emperor Nero had built a Circus, when he wanted to race in chariots with people watching and cheering his expertise. It’s called the Circus of Gaius and Nero because the earlier emperor Gaius began it, only he was killed for being a crazy madman. He sounds an interesting subject for study. Later, Nero thought it would make a good place for chariots. He was also a crazy madman so went well with Gaius. I could say like someone else we know, but I had better not in case our emperor kills me. He is fond of executions.
Close by is another arena that was built by the first Emperor, Augustus, who was horribly sane, a building which is called the Naumachia because it can be flooded with water in order to be used for mock naval battles. Once a year, Thalia and her people put on shows in Gaius and Nero’s Circus and in the Naumachia, though not when it is full of water.
When we got there I found that the entertainers were living next to the Circus. They had created a village of tents, alongside which were cages and pens for their menagerie. I could hear barking and roaring from some distance away. The tents were all sizes and made of different materials, such as skins, felt, leather and hemp. Most had fancy swags or banners hung on them so the effect was untidy but cheerful. On average, the tents had long ridge poles and straight sides, like temples, but some were round with pointed or domed roofs, like the famous Hut of Romulus on the Palatine Hill to which I had once been taken as an educational visit. It is made of sticks and smells bad inside.
Thalia had the largest tent, a long dark red one that I saw at once was luxurious compared to the others, so this showed that she was the most important person here. I was glad that I was not expected to live in an inferior tent.
Her tent had a fine round entrance with a domed roof. When we arrived, Thalia said, ‘Stay here for a mo’ in the pavilion and don’t touch anything.’ Adding, ‘I know what men are like! Juno, don’t I know it …’ I hoped she wouldn’t tell me anything embarrassing about why she said that.
Left on my own, I stood in the doorway, letting my eyes grow accustomed to the dim interior. Soon I made out that the inside roof of the first part was decorated in moon and stars designs. This formed a reception area. Beyond it lay one long private room, but big enough for Thalia’s bed, and many piles and baskets of stuff. There were wooden supports at various places, which you had to dodge around. Thinking about it afterwards, a furious chase could happen around those tent poles if somebody was trying to rush away from a dangerous antagonist. No antagonist would come after Thalia, they would be too scared of her.