THE SQUARE ROOT
OF SEX
Ted Mark
1967
THE SQUARE ROOT OF SEX
When the two scientists, Dr. Margaret Peerloin
and Professor Basil Woocheck, of the Venus Bio-
Erotic Research Observatory published their sen-
sational findings on human sexual behavior, they
took the world by storm. Part of the wide inter-
est in the book was due to their daring methods
of research-direct observation of the erotic act.
What actually went on behind the scenes in their
experiments?
How did they break through age-old sexual taboos
to study the most private of all human behavior?
Here is a hilarious novel about the book on sex,
one of the wildest, sexiest books you will ever
read, by the author of the “O.R.G.Y."series.
NOTE BY THE UPLOADER
This is a delicious spoof of the ground-breaking work and research into human sexual response undertaken by William H. Masters and Virginia E. Johnson and their team during the previous ten years (and ongoing).
The work of Masters and Johnson began in the Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology at Washington University in St. Louis in 1957 and was continued at the independent not-for-profit research institution they founded in St. Louis in 1964, originally called the Reproductive Biology Research Foundation and renamed the Masters and Johnson Institute in 1978.
In the initial phase of Masters and Johnson's studies, from 1957 until 1965, they recorded some of the first laboratory data on the anatomy and physiology of human sexual response based on direct observation of 382 women and 312 men in what they conservatively estimated to be "10,000 complete cycles of sexual response". Their findings, particularly on the nature of female sexual arousal (for example, describing the mechanisms of vaginal lubrication and debunking the earlier widely held notion that vaginal lubrication originated from the cervix) and orgasm (showing that the physiology of orgasmic response was identical whether stimulation was clitoral or vaginal, and proving that some women were capable of being multiorgasmic), dispelled many long-standing misconceptions.
They jointly wrote two classic texts in the field, Human Sexual Response and Human Sexual Inadequacy, published in 1966 and 1970, respectively.
CHAPTER ONE
“At a quite early stage in the program of investigation of anatomical and physiological techniques and responses of mammalian forms of life engaging in erotic activities it became apparent that observations of lower life-forms while so occupied would limit any pragmatic application of the research data obtained. The original team of investigators were agreed that science might only be served realistically if the scope of the program was extended to include intensive study of Homo sapiens of both genders engaging in coital activity. Indeed, it was further agreed that the major work efforts of the team should be concentrated on this area. Immediately, the researchers were faced with two problems: The first was the problem of inadequate research funding; the second was the question of obtaining a willing research-subject population. The first problem was easily solved. The second . . .”
Introduction to
Survey of Bio-Erotic Behavior — Patterns in Human Beings,
by Woocheck & Peerloin
“One million dollars!”
“One million dollars!” Dr. Margaret Peerloin’s voice was laced with disbelief as she repeated the figure just proclaimed by Professor Woocheck. Her eyes were blue saucers behind rimless glasses as her mind tried to grasp the amount. “It’s too good to be true!” One of her hands tugged at the knot of gray hair at the nape of her neck as if by pulling it she might open some crevice of her brain to a realization of such a large bequest. “One whole million dollars!” The laugh wrinkles of her face creased into prominence.
“And more if in the opinion of the administrators of the Venus Estate our researches prove deserving of it.” Professor Basil Woocheck cackled happily and strode over to the laboratory sink to wash his hands for perhaps the fourth time in the past half-hour. “It’s an open-end legacy. We’ve been endowed, Dr. Peerloin. Yes, Mr. Samuel Venus, by his philanthropic passing away, has made possible the realization of our most ambitious research dreams.” A crinkle of glee rippled up the back of the Professor’s shiny bald pate.
“Just who is—I mean was—Samuel Venus?” Mercy Bilkoo asked hesitantly. “I’ve never heard of him.”
“A multi-millionaire,” Professor Woocheck told her. “A multi-millionaire with a humanitarian conscience and a scientific orientation. One of the executors of his estate, the one who notified me about the bequest, read a portion of Mr. Venus’ last testament to me. Mr. Venus quoted the old saw: ‘Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody ever does anything about it.’ Then he went on to observe that with sex, from a scientific point of view, it was just the other way around: ‘Everybody acts sexually, but nobody talks much about it.’ His point was that there is a paucity of scientific reporting on the sex act itself. He granted the telling of dirty jokes and tittering bull-sessions in which most people engage, but commented on the lack of serious investigation. Kinsey, he felt, had done a good job from the sociological and psychological angles, but there were still no reliable data on the physical act itself. When it came to his attention that our little group was doing research along these lines, he decided to include us in his will.” Professor Woocheck dried his hands carefully as he finished his explanation to Mercy Bilkoo. “That seems to be all there is to it,” he told her.
He bestowed a benign look on Mercy. Dr. Peerloin also looked at her fondly. As a clinical psychologist doing graduate work, Mercy was officially an assistant to Dr. Peerloin. But her inherent sweetness, and a certain naiveté, elicited a tender, protective attitude from the Professor as well as from the famous female anthropologist. She drew a somewhat different response, however, from the fourth member of the team present, the young electro-cybernetics engineer, “Fig” Newton.
A bachelor with a built-in penchant for pretty girls, “Fig” had eyed Mercy appraisingly the first time he’d met her at the outset of the research program some ten months before. And he’d been eying her ever since, up to and including this particular afternoon. His was the kind of inevitable response from male bachelors in their twenties to which Mercy had never quite been able to accustom herself.
It was inevitable because Mercy was stacked like the proverbial rural brick lavatory. The bricks were piled to a five-foot four-inch height which tipped the scales at a compact and well-rounded one hundred sixteen pounds. Even in the white lab coat Mercy was wearing the curves of breasts, hips and derriere testified to the alluring results of twenty-three years of construction. And perched atop the impressive anatomical edifice was a face that contrived to be both shy and sensual at the same time. Her chin was firm, but softened by the delicate hollows of her cheeks. Her nose was small, pert, a trifle snub. Her mouth was small, the lips formed in a natural pout which was more like a circular question-mark of innocence than a sign of sullenness. Her eyes, however, were a deep smoldering green, oval-shaped and spaced wide apart, their depths seeming to hold an uncalculated invitation behind the rimless glasses she wore in admiring imitation of Dr. Peerloin. Tawny golden hair, a naturally dark blonde color, was also arranged in the style favored by Dr. Peerloin, pulled tight against the sides of Mercy's head and tied in a knot at the base of her neck.