I had only one choice: become a shrine maiden. But as I prepared to become a shrine maiden, I began to lock away parts of myself and hide them. They weren’t part of who I was going to be. So they were separated from me. And as those parts, laughter and sexuality and love and normal hope and emotions… as they were locked away, what was left was what I became. I didn’t become a shrine maiden in the end because the shrine maidens still had hope and laughter to keep the other parts of them alive, I did not.
I knew that this was happening to me. It wasn’t hidden from me and it didn’t happen by accident. It was done bit by bit and I saw the changes as they took place. Many people change and don’t even realize it; I knew what was happening to me. I didn’t hate it, it simply was what it was and I was what I was. I was a girl without hope.
If being a shrine maiden was no longer a choice, I had other choices. I could walk off into the wilderness and hope to be eaten by a great white ape or some other horrible beast. Or I could stay in the village and find work to do. I know that those are extremes: death, or mundane work. I chose mundane work.
If I was going to stay in the village and find work, I had more choices. I could go about my days not caring, but only doing the amount required, or I could apply myself to a trade and become as good as I could be. Death or become a skilled craftsman? I chose working in wood. I applied to Oshen and he took pity on me and gave me a place in his shop. I worked hard and became strong and kept to myself. I worked for Oshen for almost 50 years. I’m the same age as Aeyli.
In the last few years, I had begun to be a bit happy with my life. I worked. I made nice things. People thought that I was odd, but they were kind. I started to imagine things. I started to imagine a mate for myself. I worked and thought and sometimes smiled as I imagined different things. What if a great warrior prince came to the village and asked for a special item to be made and his eye caught mine and he loved me and I became his mate? What if the shrine maidens came and reported that one like John Carter had come from the shrine and he was strong and wanted a strong mate like me?
I knew that it was just imagination, and at the same time I knew that I was being prepared for a change in the wind. I knew that I made it all up and it had no basis, and I knew that it was going to happen and that I should have hope and wait and be ready. It was impossible… and it was certain.
I didn’t hear about the meeting where you declared for Aeyli, Rani, and Belle. The news hadn’t spread to the shop yet. I saw that some people chattered about something, but I was sure that it had nothing to do with me so I didn’t pay attention. I had seen Aeyli coming toward Tranna while you were still a long way off, but it had nothing to do with me.
When Oshen called me, I thought that he had a customer and wanted me to see to them. When I saw that it was you, I knew that I would never go back to him. It was simple. It was clear and unquestioned. My warrior prince had come from the shrine. A man like John Carter, and he wanted a special item: and that item was clearly me. I saw it in your eyes. It was like you shouted with joy at the sight of me. And the parts of me that had been hidden shouted at the sight of you.
I knew that the work that you needed done was simply an excuse to meet me and take me to your house. Aeyli had included me in the vow that she made with Rani and Belle, that when the prince from the shrine came, that if he would have one of them for a mate that he would have all of us. There you were, the prince that I had imagined. There was your declaration of love for me, shouted as I looked into your eyes. There was Aeyli, come to fulfill the vow. In that instant, I removed my belt in my mind.
When we came to the house, it was already certain for both of us. You and I both knew what was meant to be, but we took a few minutes to make sure that the other felt the same way. As the moments went on, my belt seemed to get heavier and heavier. It dragged at me and became a lie and a burden. It wanted to be off and I wanted it to be off. When we finally got to where we could admit that we would be mates, even though only a few minutes had passed in reality, when I dropped the unnecessary thing to the floor, it was as if a very heavy weight had dropped.
As the day went on, my love increased by leaps every minute. Finally, when I couldn’t stand it any longer, I took my vow of silence. I did it because all that was left in me was groaning for release and there were no more words to say. The thought that it might be several days until you declared for me was hard to accept.
Mark, you are also odd. We both knew it when you first saw me. You wanted me as much as I wanted you. If we had been outside the gates instead of in Oshen’s shop when we met, you would have taken me without a word in that very instant. Yes, I know it’s true! And I love you for it. But you kept your intention to take me that very night a surprise. It’s odd that you were able to do that. You shout your love with your eyes one moment, and keep a delicious secret the next. I don’t know how.
If you had told me, it might have been even harder for me. When you sat with Belle on your lap and made love to me from across the room, your fingers on her, but your mind on me, it was both wonderful and terrible. You gave me the chance to leave, but I had to stay. At the end, I clutched my thighs and fought the feelings within me. It would have been easy to let you make me climax at that moment, but I wanted to wait until you really touched me.
When you started to say that you would take another mate in the meeting, and I knew that it was me, I began to boil. I was on fire. It was so hard to wait as every second took forever. If you had told me yesterday afternoon, I would have been incapacitated with anticipation. I’m glad that I didn’t know what was coming. It was easier after your declaration. It was done and I was your mate and waiting a little more, but not much more, was bearable, almost. I was so glad to be at the house when we arrived. But as you saw, I was still so frustrated with my imprisonment that all I could do was go straight to the roof where I knew you would come for me.
By the way, Sashar is a good woman. I’m happy that you have made her a part of our house.”
I kissed her on the head and said, “Um, Alexia, you said that Aeyli included you in the vow of the shrine maidens concerning me. Are there more? Was Sashar part of the vow?”
Alexia said, “No, not Sashar. She is just a very dear friend. She was already a woman when Aeyli and I were little girls. When Aeyli’s parents died, Sashar was like an older sister and a mother to her. She looked out for both of us many times.”
I asked, “How did Aeyli’s parents die?”
She said, “A group including she and I and her parents were outside the gates, about a day’s journey, and a Great White Ape had tracked us all night. When it attacked, five people were killed. The other 16 finally killed the beast. Two of those killed were Aeyli’s mother and father. One was my father. She and I watched it happen. When we made it back to the village, Tronuck, Dorel, and Sashar cared for us.”
I said, “Why didn’t Sashar ever take a mate?”
Alexia laughed and said, “Mark, Sashar is ‘odd’ in her own way. But mostly because taking a mate is very rare. For every woman who has a mate, two others don’t. You know that already.”
I said, but with a smile, “What do you mean, Sashar is odd in her own way?”
Alexia said, “Mark! She is tiny and she bounces around like a Barsoomian squirrel. Did you make love to her last night or not? I swear, it must have been like having a whirlwind scampering around under the furs, if you kept her on the bed at all. Don’t tell me that shalock with Sashar is the same as with me!”