— I’ve the impression your people are different from mine. Certainly your sister seems an interesting woman.
Imogen shrugs. — I don’t know. Ellie and Charles do go around with a certain set that share certain ideas. But their marriage is rather ordinary. My parents are the same. Papa’s very conventional, it’s only that he married a woman nothing like him.
— You say he’s a Swede. But you were born here?
Imogen shakes her head. — Ellie and I were born in France. At the time, Papa was posted to the embassy in Paris, that’s where he met Mummy. Apparently it was quite a romance, though you’d never guess it to see them now. Papa was young and very dashing. Mummy was studying sculpture at the Académie Julian.
They pass into the shade of a huge willow and Imogen sits down beside its trunk. Ashley hesitates, then takes a seat beside her, not very close. He grabs a fistful of grass and tosses it into the air idly. He looks at her.
— I’m confused, Ashley admits. So are you English or not?
— That’s the question, isn’t it? I spent my first years in France. We moved to Berlin when I was five, and we only came here when I was nine. After that Mummy refused to leave England again. When it comes to languages, my French is good, mainly because I’ve kept it up by reading. My German is decent, but my Swedish is rather disappointing, and Ellie isn’t much better. I can speak Swedish if I have to, but I can’t write it to save my life. With English—
— You haven’t a foreign accent, Ashley interrupts. But you don’t speak the same as an Englishwoman. It’s something in your phrase.
Imogen nods. — I’ve heard that before. Of course, on paper I’m Swedish. But I hardly know the country. I’ve scarcely seen Stockholm. And if I had to pick a city, I’d take Paris over London in a heartbeat. Oddly enough, I’m quite attached to Berlin, because it reminds me of my childhood. I don’t know what all this adds up to. I’m not French, I’m not a proper Swede at all, and I’m certainly no German.
— Then you’re English.
She smiles. — If it pleases you.
They talk in French awhile and Imogen tells Ashley that his accent is good. Playfully they exchange a few phrases in Greek, a few whispered rhymes in German.
— Not so loud, Ashley warns. They’ll think you’re a spy. Come to think of it—
Imogen winks at him. — Spies are everywhere. But I spy only for myself.
Ashley leads Imogen along the park’s narrow lake, drained for the war, and they pass the new postal hutments where the mail from France is sorted. They sit on a bench before a large field.
— Would you mind terribly, Imogen says, if I asked you why you joined the army?
— For the uniform. I thought I’d cut a fine figure. And I got tired of getting white feathers every time I rode the tram.
— You don’t like to be serious.
— Not always.
— Try to be. I want to know.
Ashley looks at her quizzically. — You may have heard this, but the country’s at war. There was hardly a fellow in my college that didn’t join.
— Do you always do what the other fellows are doing?
— No.
— I didn’t think so. Mr. Walsingham, I’m not trying to be difficult. I may have certain ideas about the war or the army, but I’m the first to admit they could be entirely wrong. One can’t listen only to people like Mr. Russell any more than one can read the Morning Post. So I want to know why you really—
— I was bored at Cambridge, Ashley says abruptly. I supposed there had to be more to life than endless Latin. And I was fool enough to worry I’d miss something if I kept out of the war.
— But you told Ellie you wish to do your duty.
— And I meant it. After all, one can’t live only for oneself. I’ve tried that, and it isn’t any good.
— Is going to war your idea of living for others?
— It could be.
— And killing people?
Ashley hesitates. Imogen shakes her head, touching his sleeve.
— I’m sorry, I don’t mean to put you in the dock. We scarcely know each other and already I feel I’m fouling everything up—
— It’s a fair question, Ashley says. I suppose the answer is that we ought to kill only in order to save others.
— It seems a poor trade, killing one person to save another. How would you know you were really saving anyone?
— I suppose one never knows.
Imogen looks at Ashley, narrowing her eyes.
— You’ll forgive me, but you don’t seem particularly bellicose for a solider. I always imagined soldiers being so certain about everything.
— No thinking man can be certain about anything. Least of all anything complicated. And the war is damned complicated.
— And climbing?
Ashley smiles. — No. That’s simple.
They fall silent. Ashley squints across the lake to the orange-red sun dipping into the water. Imogen looks at her hands.
— They say it’s very bad in France.
— I know.
— Do you think it’s as bad as they say?
— It must be worse.
— You know, Ashley. You don’t have to go—
— Of course I do.
She shakes her head and puts her hand over Ashley’s. Her palm is cool and the softness of her hand thrills him.
— You can do anything you like. That’s all I’ve been trying to say. I simply can’t see why anyone who loves to climb mountains ought to go to the war. Many of the Germans are great climbers, aren’t they?
— Naturally.
— And they’ve parks like this one in Berlin, and in one of those parks there must be two people like us, talking like this right now, and one of them is going. Don’t tell me it isn’t true, because it is. And what difference in the world would it make if you stayed and he stayed, and none of us had to say good-bye?
— It’s a lovely thought. But I don’t believe it could ever happen—
— Things happen, Imogen counters, because people believe in them. One can’t worry what the rest of the world does or thinks. All that matters is that you’re here and I’m here, and we can do anything we like.
Ashley nods. Across the field the sun has vanished and the sky is turning purple. Imogen takes her hand back, remarking that it is nearly seven and she is meant to be in Mayfair for dinner. Ashley grins.
— I believe you won’t make it to dinner.
Imogen turns her face away, trying to hide her smile.
— No, she says. I don’t think I will.
SIGNS AND WONDERS
After three days in London I still can’t sleep straight through the night. All day I feel dead tired and all night I lie awake in my hotel room, my eyes open to the darkness, listening to the hum of the air conditioner. The English climber leaving a fortune to a woman he knew for one week. The summer house near Leksand refitted in the winter of 1916. And the single connecting piece, my grandmother, a woman I saw maybe three times in my life and only when I was very young.
Images linger on the edge of my memory. A visit to the seaside — it must have been California, but it doesn’t feel like California. The old woman’s slow walk, her thick ankles sinking into the sand with each step, my mother holding her arm. The wind tossing our hair. My grandmother’s scent of musky perfume, her strange accent and stranger manner of speech. Some ancient sticky candies she put in my hand. A peculiar piece of advice she had given, now long forgotten; an embarrassment I’d suffered but never really understood.
The clock flashes 3:13 a.m. I throw back the sheets and get dressed. The doorman downstairs winks at me as he pulls open the door. He saw me around the same time last night.