Skye comes out of the adjoining bathroom with a towel wrapped around her. She’s carrying a tray and puts it on the bedside table; it has three lines of coke on it.
“You okay with this, George?” Roman asks. I’m in a strange woman’s bedroom, almost naked, and I have God knows what drugs floating around my system. I’m probably about to embark on my first-ever threesome, and he’s asking me if I’m okay with a line of Charlie? I smile at the pair of them.
“I,” I say to anyone who wants to listen, “I am just fine and dandy. Bring it on; whatever you’ve got, bring it.” Roman looks at me with a frown and brings the tray over to the bed. We take turns vacuuming up the white powder, and my heart rate instantly accelerates. Something inside my head is screaming at me to stop; this is wrong, it’s too much, too much drink, too many drugs, too much sex and it’s all too soon, but I carry on regardless. I want to be brave and I want to be fearless. I’m sick of being scared of life and whatever shit it has left to throw at me; nothing can hurt me more than losing Sean and Beau. So bring it on. Let’s do this shit; let’s drink and snort and fuck… I wipe my nose and pull Roman towards me. I need sex, really badly.
He lifts me up the bed so my head is resting on the pile of pillows and cushions, then he pulls off my knickers and lays beside me. Skye pulls off the towel she has wrapped around her and climbs onto the bed naked. I’m aware of how feminine she smells, soft and flowery. I’m aware of every movement she makes as she eases closer to me on the bed, although I can’t actually focus well enough to see her; all I see is colour. Skye is a sparkling mass of pinks and lilacs and Roman is blues and silvers; the colours merge and then separate, merge and separate, and anticipation and arousal build in my belly as they get closer. I can feel Roman’s erect cock digging into the top of my hip. There are hands and lips on me, but I don’t know whose; fingers slide inside me and it feels good. Then there’s a tongue on my clit and I reach down, and I know it’s Skye’s head between my legs but Roman’s fingers inside me. I arch my back, and she licks and sucks me with more force as he adds another finger. My heart rate suddenly accelerates and feels like it’s pounding in my ears. My vision slowly comes into focus and I watch as Roman brings his head down to take my nipple into his mouth; he strokes himself as he watches what Skye is doing with her tongue on my clit.
He pulls his fingers from my body and slides off the bed, sitting back on his heels beside me, watching, and I don’t like it. I hate it. All that’s running through my brain is that Cam wouldn’t like this; he wouldn’t like me doing this, and he wouldn’t like that Roman was watching.
I don’t quite know what happens next; it’s like a wave of panic rushes over me. I don’t like this; I don’t like what’s happening. I want it to stop.
“No!” I hear myself call out. I try to close my legs, but Skye holds them open. “No, Rome, tell her no.” I scramble up the bed, and Skye sits up and looks at me. Her face is wet and I suddenly feel disgusted with myself.
Roman’s at my side. “Calm down, George. It’s okay. What’s wrong?’ I don’t know exactly what’s wrong, but I don’t want to be here anymore; I want to leave.
“I want to go home.” He nods.
“Great, just fuckin’ great.” I hear Skye say. She climbs off the bed and stomps into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. I watch Roman as he gets dressed then helps me on with my clothes. I’m still unsteady on my feet as he helps me stand; the colours have stopped bouncing off every surface now but I still feel like I’m completely out of myself. “You okay? Can ya walk back to the truck?”
I nod my head. “Yeah, I’m sorry, I… I just want to go home.”
“Stop saying sorry, George. Tonight was all about you, whatever you wanted, whatever you wanted to do. You’ve had enough, and that’s fine; now it’s time to go.” He kisses me. “You ever done anything like that before?” I shake my head, feeling embarrassed now; what the fuck was I thinking? “Well, it was fucking hot, let me tell ya. Watching her do that to you was fucking hot, so thanks, thanks for that. I’ll never forget it. Next time I’m away and haven’t seen a decent-looking woman for months, I’m gonna play that on a loop in my head to help get me by.” He kisses my cheek. “You sure you’re okay walking?”
I nod, but I’m not actually sure. I grip his hand tightly and let him lead me back the way we came. We collect our stuff from around the fire and head back to the truck. I feel dizzy and lightheaded, tired but wide-awake, and my mind is suddenly very clear. I want my bed. I want to be left alone in my bed with my thoughts. I have no idea why, but Cam keeps popping into my head and it’s pissing me off.
Roman starts the truck, and it occurs to me that he’s done quite a lot of drugs tonight.
“You okay to drive?” I ask him.
He nods. “I probably shouldn’t drive, but I’m okay. If I’m not, I’ll pull over and we’ll sleep in here. I didn’t have any of that joint, remember; the trippy stuff you had? Just the coke.” He pulls out of his parking spot and onto the road, and I have to laugh at his statement.
“Just the coke. Well, that’s fine then; you’re full of coke but you’re just fine to drive.” I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know where the words are coming from; he’s done nothing but look after me and now I’m being a complete bitch. He swings the truck into a layby.
“Shall I stop? D’ya wanna stay here? Whatever you want, George.”
“I want to go home. I want my bed.”
“Well, the only way that’s gonna happen is if I drive us there. This ain’t London, George; the cab drivers are all in bed at this time, even on a Saturday night.” He leans in, takes my chin between his thumb and index finger and lifts it so my eyes meet his. “I shouldn’t have let you have that coke; I’m sorry.” I feel like the bitch I am; I’m behaving like an arsehole and he’s the one apologising.
“I’m the one who’s sorry. I’m being a bitch; I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
He licks his lips and shakes his head. “The coke, that’s what’s wrong with you.”
“I’ve done coke before, Rome; I’ve been doing coke since I was twenty. You do remember who I was married to?” My heart hurts as I say those words…
Was married to.
Sean, I was married to Sean.
I still am married to Sean.
Except Sean’s dead and I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing with my life right now. I appreciate what Roman is trying to do, and he has helped me, massively. He’s proved that I can feel again, pleasure, at least.
“Well, George, am I driving or are we sleeping in the truck?”
“Just drive,” I reply. He kisses my mouth, pulls back out onto the road and we drive home in silence.
* * *
I decline Roman’s offer to come in. I apologise for my behaviour and explain I just want to be on my own. I’m not actually sure I do; I don’t know what I want, and I’m not sure of anything. My body is exhausted, but my heart is racing because of the coke.
I take a shower, pull on a pair of sleep shorts and a vest and take a couple of Valium to try and calm my heart rate. I know I shouldn’t drink with them, but they’re only a low dose, so I should be fine. I pour myself a glass of wine, and then go and sit out on the balcony. It’s almost four in the morning, but I know I won’t sleep if I go to bed, and I’m hoping the wine will relax me and undo the effects of the coke. I light a cigarette and make a conscious decision, there and then, that I won’t touch that shit again. I don’t like the person I become when I’m taking it. My face burns with embarrassment as I think about what I did earlier, what I let her do to me, someone I don’t even know. I’m pissed off with myself and Roman; he shouldn’t have let that happen, but then again, neither should I.