I don’t pass out. My legs just refuse to hold me up any longer. I spend the next two hours in silence, in an almost catatonic state. I wrap my arms around myself, too afraid to let go in case I disappear inside that huge gaping hole that has once again been punched inside my chest, my life, my world. Then Marley appears in the waiting room and puts Harry in my arms and I know that no matter what, I can’t fall apart. I have the support of a large and loving family, but in that moment, Harry has just me. He is all alone and totally dependent on me and me alone. So I sit and I hold him close. I feed and I change him. I take comfort in the warmth and the smell of his chubby little body, and thank God, I at least have this small piece of Cam with me.
Epilogue
The sensation of a stubbly chin rubbing up the inside of first my left, then my right thigh is dragging me from sleep. I’m bone tired and don't want to be awake yet. I try to close my legs and am met with a bite to my clit. I shudder and try to force my eyes open, but they aren't having any of it. I start to drift off to sleep again while enjoying the sensation of feather-light kisses travelling up my body. I feel calm and relaxed and give myself over to the sleep that I crave.
“Kitten, you need to wake up now.”
I lick my lips, but don't open my eyes. Why am I so tired?
“If you don't wake up, I'm gonna fuck you again.”
“Mmmmm,” is the best I can manage as I nod my head, my eyes still closed.
“In the arse, Kitten. If you don't wake up, I'm gonna tie you up and claim that arse of yours.”
My eyes fly open and are met with a familiar brown pair.
He smiles. “Good morning.”
I rake my fingers through his hair. “Whyyyyy?” I whine. God, I hate early mornings.
“We have a plane to catch.” He laces his fingers and rests his hands across my boobs, then rests his chin on his hands as he looks up at me. “Have you had a good holiday?”
I smile at him. “I’ve had a great holiday, but I think you and me need a nice quiet weekend away somewhere to recover.” He gives me a lazy smile.
“You know that won’t happen. You’ll arrange it all, but then at the last minute, you won’t be able to leave the kids; same as every other time we’ve tried to get away by ourselves.” I swallow down the lump that’s unexpectedly appeared in my throat.
After Cam was shot, I saw a counsellor for months as I was a mess of Georgia proportions and was eventually diagnosed with adult separation anxiety. I’ve gotten a little better, but I still have an unreasonable need to know where my husband and children are pretty much all of the time.
When the doctors finally came and told us that Cam had survived the surgery, they said the damage wasn’t as severe as they had first thought. Because of the awkward angle and Cam’s muscle density, the bullet had gone into his chest and through into the top of his right arm, only nicking his brachial artery. He had still bled out his entire blood supply and had been transfused with twelve units while they tried to stabilise him and during the surgery. As well as his heart stopping three times, he also went into anaphylactic shock on the operating table, probably caused by the rate at which blood and fluids were being pumped into him. When the doctor came and explained all of this and concluded that Cam would most likely pull through, I held Harry against my chest and finally let go of my tears.
* * *
That all happened over five years ago now and our life since then has been so much more than I could ever have hoped or dreamed it could be in those first dark days.
Cam remained in an induced coma for two days while his body recovered and repaired itself. During that time, plans had to be made for Tamara’s funeral. Her dad was a drunken mess and kept referring everything back to Cam. There was no one else to take charge, so I did what I thought Cam would want me to do and arranged a funeral for her. I didn’t do it because I wanted praise or recognition. I did it because it’s what Cam would’ve done and because she was Harry’s mum, and one day, he might want to know about his mum’s funeral.
With the help of Mum, Jim and Ash, we picked a coffin and headstone and arranged a church service. The only people to attend were Tamara’s Dad and my family, who were there to support me, and on Harry’s behalf.
Cam started to be brought out of his coma around the third day after his surgery. By day five, I was threatening to put him back in a coma, permanently. He was the worst patient I had ever known, and I’m sure the staff of the Royal Free Hospital felt exactly the same way. He was miserable, short tempered and did nothing but complain. He refused to take his meds as he didn’t like the fact they made him sleepy and refused point blank to allow the nurses to give him a bed bath.
How nurse Jen and her team didn’t strangle or inject him with something that would stop his mouth from working, I will never know.
We were told in the beginning that Cam would require a two to three week hospital stay. He discharged himself on day eight and I brought him home in the hope that being at home would improve his temperament. It didn’t. Nothing was right. He wanted to drink bourbon, but I knew that would be dangerous with all the meds he was taking. He wanted sex, but the doctor had recommended abstaining for a couple of weeks. He didn’t like any of the dinners I cooked him, and he complained constantly of being bored. In the end, I shagged his brains out and he slept for a solid nine hours afterwards.
We employed a nurse to come in and change his dressing and check all of his vitals twice a day. So, two weeks after the shooting when I came home from a trip to the supermarket with Harry, after leaving Cam in the care of the nurse, and found the house empty with only a note telling me he had popped to the club to sort out some business, I finally lost it. Really lost it. I threw a chair across the room, swiped the kettle and all of my storage jars containing tea, sugar and biscuits off the bench top, and went for the fruit bowl next. I only stopped then because H, who was still strapped into his car seat, which I had sat on the kitchen table, began to cry after the big ceramic fruit bowl my mum had bought us in Portugal crashed to the tiled floor and made him jump.
I calmed myself down and marched back out to my car, strapped Harry in and headed to the club, dodging the photographers who’d been camped at my gates for the past two weeks.
* * *
The place was in total darkness apart from the emergency lighting when I arrived and my heart rate increased as I put Harry’s car seat down and pulled my phone out of my back pocket to call Cam. Without warning, all of the stage lights came on and I stood and stared as music started to play. My dad and all of my brothers stood in a line on the stage behind Cam. As I looked around the room, I spotted my mum and the rest of my family and a few members of the clean-up crew and daytime staff from the club.
If my mouth wasn’t hanging open previous to that moment, it certainly was when Cam started singing “Ain’t too proud to beg” by The Temptations, with my dad and brothers all joining in perfectly with their backup harmonies.
Cam has a terrible voice. I was married to one of the best singer/songwriters England had ever produced, neither of which had deterred him from getting up on that stage and letting everyone know his feelings. All of which made me love him to the point where I felt like my heart was about to burst. Instead of my heart bursting though, it was me, who burst, into tears. I stood in the middle of the club and felt totally overwhelmed and exhausted by the events of the last few weeks, and not knowing what else to do, I just stood and cried.
I felt Cam’s big strong arm wrap around me as he kissed my hair and my head, then my neck and my cheek. I tried not to squeeze him to me too tightly, in case I hurt his arm.
“I love the fuck out of you, Kitten. I’m so sorry for being such hard work these last few weeks.” He cupped the side of my face in his big hand and wiped away my tears with his thumb. “I’ll never be able to thank you enough for what you’ve done for me and Harry.” His lips trembled as he talked. “I don’t know how you feel about this, but I’ve spoken to Eli, and if you’re up for it, I’d like you to adopt Harry as your own.” I break out into an ugly snot-bubble cry and all I can do is nod my head. A tear runs down Cam’s cheek. “As soon as I get this thing off my arm, I want us to get married, then when the babies come, I’m locking the gates and the front door and shutting the rest of the world out. I’m gonna stay home each and every day and do nothing but love the fuck out of you and our kids.”