The second I step into the shower I let my tears go and I allow my brain to start trying to make sense of my actions, but I can’t. Why would I do that? Why did I do that? What a stupid, selfish thing to do. If this ever gets out, no I can’t even think along those lines, I have to put it all away, I have to never think of it again and carry on. I love Sean, I want to be with Sean, and nothing at all has changed there. My life is with Sean, we’re planning on starting a family next year and I won’t let my actions tonight come in the way of that.
Then it hits me.
Oh God.
No.
How could I be so stupid?
I’m not on the pill.
What if Cam’s made me pregnant?
What if, right at this minute, his sperm are heading toward my ovaries?
I grab the sponge and force it up inside myself, twisting it around inside of me, washing away every last trace of Cam from my body but knowing full well that I may already be too late, I may already have a piece of him and a piece of me forming, developing, dividing inside me right now.
I stand with my eyes closed, my face up to the ceiling, letting the water hammer down on the back of my head and hope that it can wash away my shame and my guilt and if it doesn’t, then I’ll just have to live with the consequences of my unforgivable actions tonight.
The door to the shower cubical opens and I’m startled out of my thoughts. Sean is standing naked in front of me, wearing a grin and an enormous hard on. Without saying a word he leans in and sucks on my left nipple, then looking up at me, he says, “Good morning Georgia Rae, I fucking missed you baby.”
I laugh and wrap my arms around his neck and breathe him in. “How are you here so early?’ I ask.
“We just wanted to get home, Len rearranged the flight so we could fly right back after we played, but they didn’t have a pilot available so we had to hang about for a bit but we’re here now, six hours earlier than we should be. You not pleased to see me?” He’s kissing my neck and my jaw as he speaks.
“Of course I am.”
“Show me; show me how pleased you are.”
So I do.
* * *
When I wake up later that morning, the sun is shining through the wide open windows and a warm breeze is blowing on my bare back, I’m lying across the bed, alone it would seem. As I climb out of bed, I’m amazed at how well I feel; no hangover at all but a mouth that’s as dry as a nun’s crutch, I head for the kitchen in search of coffee and from where I can hear talking and laughter, as I walk out into the open plan living area. Ash is sitting on Jimmie’s chest, obviously demonstrating what I did to Whorely last night.
I pause for a second then say in my croaky morning voice, “You punch like a girl Ash, I hit her so much harder than that.”
All eyes turn to me, Marley starts a slow clap and says, “Here she is, our very own battle queen She Ra, well done George, you’re all over the papers.”
I let out a big sigh and fold my arms across my chest. I’ve pulled on Sean’s boxers and the t-shirt he was wearing last night and nothing else. I look at Len, my sensible brother. “I’ve been onto the lawyers; they’re doing what they can with regard damage control. You really do need to think about anger management classes George.”
“Like fuck she does,” Ash says. She climbs off of Jim and comes over and gives me a kiss on the cheek. “That bitch got what was coming to her. If G hadn’t of smacked her, I would’ve.” She drapes her arm around my shoulders. “She’s my fucking hero and she’s got the best legs and tits and if I didn’t love you so much Marls, I would totally bang your sister.”
“Fuck baby, you’ve just made me totally hard. Is that wrong, that the thought of you banging my sister has made me hard?”
“Yes,” we all say together. My eyes meet Sean’s and he holds his hand out to me, I walk over to him and he pulls me between his legs as he sits on a stool.
“One night G, I go away for one night and look at the trouble you get into.” I suddenly feel nauseous and swallow down the bile that rises to my throat; he has no idea exactly how much trouble I got into. No one does, except me and Cam. The colour must leave my face as he adds, “I’m only joking babe, don’t stress about it, I just wish I’d been there to watch you give it to her.”
“I bet,” Marley adds. “Bitch fights are the best. I always get horny when I watch them.”
I shake my head at my brother as Ash slaps him in the chest. “You are one sick individual Marls dya know that?” I ask him.
“Yep, just the way my woman likes me, nothing wrong with getting excited about a bit of girl on girl action, it’s fucking hot, hey baby?” Ashley blushes and looks mortified.
“What!?” me and Jimmie both shriek together, Ash just shrugs. “Oh shut up you two, don’t judge, we were smashed and this bird come on to me and Marls got all excited so we just went to a hotel for a bit of fun.”
“Fucking lot of fun baby, it was a whole lotta fun.” I’m intrigued and oddly turned on, I lean back into Sean’s lap and realise, he is too.
“But were you okay with that Ash, Marley with another bird I mean?” Jimmie asks.
“Oh she didn’t touch Marley. No fucking way was I having that, although they sort of did, but only ‘cos they were both fighting over me,” she grinned as she spoke.
“Shit!” Sean says a bit too loudly.
“See, I told ya Maca, it’s fucking hot, all that shit we’ve done before is bollocks compared to watching another bird with your misses. It was fucking incredible. Don’t get me wrong, I could never let a bloke go there, no fuckin’ way but watching her with a bird was fuckin’ mind blowing, for both of us, ay babe?” Ashley just nods as she looks at us all, waiting for a response.
I turn and look at Sean with raised eyebrows. “All the shit you’ve done with birds before?”
“G,” he sighs out the letter. “It was over ten fuckin’ years ago and anyway, what about this?”
He reaches behind him and holds up one of the Sunday tabloids and there, half a page big, is a picture of me looking up at Cam. Alongside the head line – “Rock star Macas Wife hooks up with East End bad boy! Could this mean Carnage for the golden couple?”
I felt sick, I could feel my cheeks burn and my mouth was so dry I was incapable of speech, which was a good thing anyway as my brain was incapable of forming a sentence.
“Aw Mac, she was bloody lucky to have TDH there last night, calmed the whore down and stopped her from getting the Ol’ Bill involved, G was only saying thank you to the bloke.” Sean looks past me to Ashley.
“TDH?” Shit!
“Tall Dark and Handsome, come on Maca, you might be a bloke but you’ve gotta admit, he’s a fucking good looking bastard, even for an old bloke.” Jesus, Ashley digs me out, then drops me right back into an even bigger pile of shit every time she opens her mouth. I don’t know whether to kiss her or slap her.
“That true?” Sean asks.
“What bit?”
“Did he stop her from calling the Police?” I nod.
“I had no idea he owned the place, I haven’t seen him for years, he probably wanted to avoid the Police getting involved as much as I did.” My heart is pounding so hard in my chest, I worry that Sean will hear it, but he says no more.
We all eventually shower and dress and make our way over to my parents’ house for a Sunday BBQ in the sun, they have babysat all seven grandchildren all night but don’t look in the least bit phased when we eventually arrive. Bailey and his new girlfriend Samantha, a glamour model, join us. It’s the August bank holiday weekend in England and none of us have to be anywhere on the Monday as it’s a public holiday so we all end up staying up, laughing and talking, drinking and getting stoned until the sun comes up, enjoying our first time all together as a family in over a year.
I spend the next three weeks like a cat on hot bricks as I wait for my period to arrive. Carnage are getting ready to record a new album so the boys are in the studio at the end of our garden from about lunchtime every day, sometimes finishing up at four, sometimes not till nine and even then Sean is usually off in his own little world, working on lyrics. I feel a little bit lost, it seems like ages since I’ve had this much spare time and each day seems to drag as I wait for my period to arrive and having so much time to think, brings me to a few conclusions.