She smiled. “Yeah, I saw the New Year’s show and the way you told Mr… Sean, the news about the baby, I think the whole world must have watched that clip by now. I have to say, it even made my Husband cry, I was a blubbering mess, as I’m sure most people watching were.”
I actually get teary as she speaks. “You and Sean will make great parents. You lot are probably one of the most down to earth bands I travel with, some of them can be complete arseholes.”
Yep, I think, we’ve met a lot of them in our time. “So, what can I get you Georgia, how about a nice cup of tea and a biscuit?”
“Sounds perfect, strong, no sugar, thank you.”
By the time we are getting into the back of the limo, I’m feeling really unwell, the pain in my side is worse, much worse. I feel cold but sweaty. It’s seven in the morning, London time and I just want my bed.
“You okay George?” Jimmie asks. I decide not to lie anymore, something’s not right and I think I might need to go to the hospital or at least see a doctor.
“I actually don’t feel so good.”
The smile Sean has been wearing for the last thirty six hours vanishes from his face. “Baby, what’s wrong?” He puts the back of his hand against my forehead. “Shit G, you feel really clammy.”
Jimmie feels my head and agrees and as soon as the car starts to pull away I feel sick, we pull over and I throw up at the side of the road, my head is swimming and I feel really dizzy, we get back in the car and Sean pulls me into his lap. Marley has told the driver to head to the nearest hospital, Milo is in the front with him and gives him directions, luckily we had landed at City Airport so he knew the area.
Any woman that’s ever had a period will tell you that one of their biggest fears is leakage and in the ten minutes it had taken us to get from the airport to Newham General Hospital, I knew that I was bleeding, enough for it to have leaked through my underwear to my jeans and I just knew that I was losing my baby.
The limo pulled up outside accident and emergency and Milo jumped out, telling Sean to pass me out to him, but Sean wouldn’t let me go and instead struggled out of the car while still holding me. Len had run inside and grabbed a wheelchair, but Sean wouldn’t set me down in it. Marley had run ahead and was shouting for help and I was soon being whisked through to a bed behind a curtain, where Sean still held me, sitting down with me in his lap, pulled into his chest. I was shaking violently and could feel the beads of sweat forming on my top lip and as they trickled down my spine. I think I started to lose consciousness at that stage, I could feel Sean’s arms around me, I could hear him and others call my name, but I just couldn’t get back to them.
I don’t know if it’s seconds, minutes, hours or days when I next try to open my eyes and I’m not sure how long it is that I try, before sleep pulls me under again. Then suddenly, I’m wide awake, alert and aware that I’m in a hospital room. I gaze around; I have fluids dripping through a cannula in my left hand. Sean is in a chair next to my bed, he has my right hand in both of his and his head resting on our joint hands, my mouth is dry and my throat is sore, I have a belly ache, very similar to period pain. I lay still and stay silent for a few seconds and wonder what could have happened to me. I know that my baby’s gone, I just know and I start to sob at the thought. Sean is going to be devastated, he was so happy. I try to swallow down my sobs so that I don’t wake him, but fail, he lifts his head and his eyes come up to meet mine, he’s out of his chair and on the bed holding me in a second.
“I’m so sorry,” I sob and gulp in air as I speak.
“No, no, no, Gia baby, no, it’s not your fault.”
“What happened, what went wrong?” I ask him, we are lying side by side on my hospital bed, looking right at each other. Sean wipes his nose, then he covers his mouth, trying to hide a sob, he moves it away and blows out a breath slowly.
“It was an ectopic pregnancy.” His face crumbles, while he shakes his head and sobs. “I nearly lost you G. It had ruptured, and you were bleeding internally. You went into shock, I thought you was gonna die.” His shoulders shake as his sobs wrack through his body. I try to comfort him, but he just keeps sobbing and shaking his head. “I stayed in the hotel bar getting pissed and all the time you was bleeding internally, you could have died up in that hotel room, all on your own. I was so hung over on the flight; I didn’t even notice how sick you were. It was Sara the stewardess that said you hadn’t been feeling well. I let you down G, I fucking let you down, I’m so, so sorry.”
I was numb, I had no idea what to say to him, so we just held each other and cried for a long while, eventually Sean went back to sleep, while I laid quietly and thought about what this meant. Could I still have children? What did they do when they operated? What did they take away? The door opened and a nurse walked in, I raised my fingers to my lips, asking her to keep quiet.
“Good to see you’re awake Georgia, how are you feeling?” I shrugged and my eyes filled with tears.
“Will I still be able to have babies? Can I still get pregnant?” I asked her as she took my temperature and checked my blood pressure, I hated that she ignored my question and just carried on with what she was doing. She went down to the end of my bed and read through my notes.
“The doctor will be in to see you shortly Georgia, he will talk things through with you and your Husband.” She gives a little nod, and then tilts her head to the side. “You were very lucky, you needed four units of blood during your surgery, if you hadn’t have got here when you did, things could have been much worse. Now, try and get some sleep, I’ll be back with the doctor very soon.”
I looked right into her bright blue eyes and said, “I just lost my fucking baby, how does that make me lucky?” Again, she ignored me and left the room, I laid my head back on my pillow and cried. I cried for my dead baby, I cried for Sean and his lost chance at fatherhood and I cried because of the guilt I felt. This was my fault; this was my punishment, punishment for cheating on Sean, punishment for being a lying, cheating, adulterous, whore of a Wife.
I was allowed home after two days, but I was to stay off my feet and do as little as possible for the next few weeks and I wasn’t to drive for the next month, for all of these reasons and the fact that I just didn’t want to be alone with Sean, I went and stayed at my parents. Sean was busy in the studio and would come and stay with me every couple of nights, he was coping in his own way, music, writing and laying down tracks for the new album were getting him through, whereas I just laid on my Mum’s sofa and then went and laid in my own bed; visitors came and went and I assured everyone that I was doing fine.
I had, it turns out, been very lucky, my fallopian tube had ruptured on my left hand side and I had bled internally for a while, my tube and ovaries on that side had to be removed but there was no reason that I couldn’t get pregnant again. There was a slim risk of another ectopic but I would be monitored closely as soon as I was to get pregnant, which we were told would be safe to do in about three months, if, we felt emotionally and physically ready.
I knew that everyone was watching me, waiting to see how I handled things, if I would withdraw the way I did after Sean and I split up, so I decided to behave in the exact opposite way that my Husband and family expected and embarked upon what I can only describe as a manic episode. As soon as I could drive, I went straight over to the new house and looked over the renovations. I worked with the interior design firm we had hired in choosing paint and fabrics, and I shopped for new furniture. We would need a lot to fill that big empty house and I bought two horses and hired a stable girl, Jess, to look after them and I did all of this alone. I didn’t consult Sean, and I didn’t ask for his input. On the nights that he came and stayed with me at my Mum’s, I virtually ignored him, feigned tiredness and went to bed early, pretending to be asleep when he joined me. I couldn’t sleep so I would sneak out of the house and drive over to our house and ride before Sean was awake and I wouldn’t return until well after I knew he would be gone.