‘If it is angina,’ Ben growled. ‘We don’t know. You need to be examined.’
‘You can listen to my chest this afternoon,’ Doug said, so much like he was conferring a benevolent favour that they all laughed. But even so… Lily’s eyes met Ben’s and she saw her concern reflected there.
Ben really did care, she thought. He tried desperately not to, but he couldn’t hide it completely. Just as Doug couldn’t hide the fact that he hurt.
Rosa rose and started clearing away plates, looking relieved. ‘This afternoon you’ll be examined, then,’ she told Doug. ‘You’ve agreed before witnesses so there’s no wriggling out of it now. Meanwhile, I’ll do the housework while Ben and Benjy and Lily take Flicker to the river. You rest. That’s my final word, Doug, so no arguments.’
Doug opened his mouth to argue-but then thought better of it and gave a sheepish grin. ‘I can almost understand your reluctance to tie the knot,’ he told Ben. ‘See what you let yourself in for? Women!’ He flung up his hands in surrender. ‘Fine. I’ll have an idle morning, as long as you three spend the morning together. Promise?’
‘We promise,’ Lily said. ‘Don’t we, Ben?’
‘I’d rather examine you now,’ Ben said, but Doug shook his head.
‘That’s an excuse not to spend time with Lily and Benjy, and you know it. I’ve had this discomfort for months and it’s going nowhere. Stop your fussing and enjoy the day.’
So Ben, Lily and Benjy led the pregnant mare to the river. The day was fabulous, but Lily wasn’t concentrating on the day. How could she ever break through this man’s barriers? she wondered. And why wouldn’t he talk about his sister? His silence hurt, but if it hurt her, how much more would it be hurting him?
‘He’s never talked about Bethany,’ Rosa had told her. ‘So I don’t see how you can make him start now.’
They walked slowly. The mare was so heavy with foal that Ben was concerned. ‘Are we sure we should be taking her out of the home paddock?’
‘Rosa says a bit of exercise does her good,’ Benjy told him. ‘And she says the grass by the river is horse caviar.’ He thought about that and frowned. ‘I don’t know what caviar is.’
‘Fish eggs,’ Ben told him, and Benjy wrinkled his nose in disbelief.
‘So the grass tastes like fish eggs?’
‘There’s no accounting for taste,’ Ben told him, and grinned. Benjy was leading the mare, with Ben by his side. Lily was walking behind, watching her son. And his father. The likeness was uncanny, she thought. The sun was glinting on two dark heads. Ben had only brought a small holdall with him, but he must leave clothes here for he’d finally ditched his uniform. This morning he was wearing chinos and an open-necked shirt with the sleeves rolled up. He looked wonderful, Lily thought, and the longing she had for him, the longing that had stayed with her for all those years, surged right back, as strong as ever.
She blinked back tears. She was right, she told herself fiercely. She couldn’t marry this man. She couldn’t break down the barriers. By herself she could block out this pain, but with the marriage he was suggesting it would stay with her all the time. She and Benjy would have a few short days with him, but then he’d be off, over and over, intent on his life of drama. Putting her and Benjy out of his mind. Not letting himself need…
There was the crux of the problem, she thought. She needed Ben, but he didn’t need her. And he surely didn’t need Benjy. He’d taught himself fiercely not to need, and who could blame him?
‘Why do you like fighting?’ Benjy asked him now, and she stilled and listened. They were trudging slowly toward the river, keeping pace with Flicker’s slow amble. Ben and Benjy were at Flicker’s head and Lily was behind, but Ben may as well have been talking to her.
‘I don’t like fighting,’ he said. ‘But when fighting happens, people are often wounded. That’s what happened on your island. My job is to fix people after fighting. Or sometimes I go to where other bad things have happened, like tsunamis and earthquakes.’
‘My mama fixes people,’ Benjy said, following a line of reasoning yet to be disclosed.
‘She does.’
‘Are your people hurt worse than Mama’s people?’
‘I guess not. It depends.’
‘And do you get to see the people when they’re better? Mama says that’s the best thing about doctoring. She sees people when they’re sick and then one day when they’re better they come to our house and sit on our porch and tell Mama how better they’re feeling. Or the ladies come and show us their babies. Sometimes Mama even cries when she hugs the babies. Do you cry when you hug babies?’
‘That’s not what I do.’
‘I guess mamas wouldn’t come close to you with babies when you’re wearing your scary uniform.’
‘Maybe they wouldn’t.’ Ben sounded strained to breaking point, Lily thought. He wasn’t enjoying this one bit. If the helicopter landed right now, would he climb aboard?
‘I like you better without your uniform,’ Benjy told him, giving a little skip of contentment, as if his line of questioning had achieved the results he’d wanted. ‘But I need a picture of you in your uniform. Henri will think it’s cool, but it’s better like you are now. You’re more like a real dad now.’
‘Thanks.’
‘Can you kick a football?’
‘Yes.’
‘Can you swim?’
‘Yes.’
‘Will you swim a race with me at the river?’
‘I didn’t bring my gear.’
‘You can swim in your boxers,’ Benjy told him. ‘I swim in my boxers.’ Then a thought occurred to him. ‘Doug wears flappy white jocks that make me giggle when Rosa hangs them on the clothesline. But Henri’s dad wears boxers. You don’t wear flappy white things, do you?’
‘Um…no.’
‘Ace,’ Benjy said, satisfied. ‘Mama can hold Flicker and we’ll go swimming.’
‘Doesn’t your mama go swimming?’
‘Someone has to look after Flicker. She’s the mama.’
‘That’s not very fair.’
‘I’m happy to watch,’ Lily volunteered from behind them. ‘After all, Benjy can go swimming with his mama every day. How often can he go swimming with his dad?’
So she sat on the grassy bank, watching her son and his father swim, while Flicker grazed contentedly beside her.
Benjy swam like a little fish. Island kids practically swam before they could walk and Lily took it as a given, but she saw now that Ben was astounded by his small son’s skill. This was no splashing-in-the-shallows swim. This was an exercise in Benjy showing his dad exactly what sort of kid he had. He weaved and ducked around Ben’s legs, surfacing when least expected, doing handstands so his small feet were all that was seen above the water, challenging Ben to a race…
But Ben was a fine swimmer, too. They raced from one tree fallen by the river bank to another three hundred yards upstream. Lily watched as Ben started to race. She saw him check his pace and she knew he was holding back so Benjy could win.
She grinned-and she saw the exact moment when Ben realised Benjy had been checking his pace as well, but only so he could put on a burst of speed at the end. Benjy’s small body surged ahead and suddenly Ben was left behind. His raw strength wasn’t enough to compensate for the lead he’d given Benjy. Benjy surfaced, glowing, laughing at Ben and then calling triumphantly to his mother.
‘He thought he had to give me a head start,’ he yelled to Lily. ‘So I won.’
‘More fool him. Race again,’ Lily decreed, so they did. This time Ben didn’t hold back. He used all his strength and all his skill-and he only just won.
‘You beat me,’ Benjy said, growing happier by the minute. ‘Mama can’t beat me. A daddy should be able to beat his kid.’
‘Then stop getting better,’ Ben growled, but, watching him, Lily saw his sudden flash of pride.