He grabbed the bow of the boat and shoved it over the rocks and into the sea, then clambered in while the water splashed over his boots. He took up the oar and began paddling toward the island. Out from land the sea was quiet, the only sound the dip of the oar as it swirled the water. A deep sadness welled up from inside him. It had been there all along, but now, as tired as he was, he could no longer keep it down and it came flooding up like a spring. He looked into the deep blue water all around, so silent, so peaceful. How restful it would be to slip over the side of the little boat and drift down and down-beyond thought, beyond pain, beyond remembering.
But the King kept paddling, and the night gathered its velvet robes around him as the land fell away behind, still outlined by the iron-blue of the sky above. In a little while he felt a scrape along the bottom of the boat, and then a jolt told him that he had reached the shore of Holy Island.
Quentin heaved himself out of the boat and pulled it well up on shore, then stalked into the forest that came right down to the water’s edge, striking along an ancient trail through the trees and bushes.
How long he walked, he did not know or care. His legs moved of a volition all their own, pacing off the steps rhythmically and slowly. There was no hurry; he had no destination. Inside, his mind, benumbed with fatigue, churned lazily, functioning ever more slowly, offering no light, no insight.
His eyes stared straight ahead but saw nothing. It was dark, too dark to see anything except the branches of the nearest trees. He listened only to his own breathing and his own heartbeat, for the island was as silent as any tomb, and as full of unseen presences.
Quentin began to feel that he, too, was but a thing of insubstantial vapors: a wraith with no corporeal existence, doomed to roam the world by night, vanishing by dawn's light; a vague, lingering presence consigned to a shadow-world where only shades walked, each wrapped in a private torment, alone and uncomforted for all eternity.
The moon rose in the trees, a cold glowing eye that watched unkindly, shedding little light. Weariness draped itself over his shoulders like a leaden garment, awakening in Quentin a dull ache that throbbed through him with every step.
I must rest, he thought. I must stop soon and rest. I am tired. So tired. But he went on, not knowing where.
After a time he came to a place where the trees stopped, and ahead, shining with the moon's silver light, spread a lawn that swept in a gentle downward curve to meet a lake. Where the lawn and water met there was formed an arcing crescent-a shimmering moon to mirror the heavenly orb.
Quentin marched down to the edge of the lake and stopped, staring across the glass-smooth surface. Here and there the water winked with the reflected light of a star. Quentin looked down into the water and saw only a forlorn and haggard face peering back at him.
A willow tree grew near the water; long, sweeping branches dipped down and limply, lightly brushed the surface of the lake. The leaves on the branches formed teardrops that fell in never-ending cascades into the lake, watering it as a fountain of sorrow.
Quentin went to the old willow and slumped down beneath the trailing limbs. It was dry here, and dark. He rested his head against the rough, knotted trunk and pulled his cloak more tightly around him.
Sleep claimed him then for its own. He did not feel his eyes closing, or mark his passing into sleep's dark dominion. To Quentin it was all the same.
SEVENTEEN
ALTHOUGH THE castle sounds had hours ago taken on subdued night voices, and the funeral party would leave early in the morning for the burial site in Pelgrin Forest, Toll was still awake. He lay on his bed, hands clasped behind his head, gazing upward at the flickering shadow of his bedpost on the wall above him. His mind returned once and again to the painful confrontation with Quentin that morning. He heard again the stinging words, "You are to blame… It is your fault!" Like a lash that bit into the flesh, the words tortured him, and he could not escape their fierce judgment. In the midst of his anguish he heard a knock at his chamber's outer door, muted but distinct.
He rose, went silently to the door, and opened it. "Yes, yes. Who-Esme!" He covered his surprise and opened the door wider to let her in.
"Toli, I…" she began, her eyes pleading, "it is Bria."
She backed away, pulling Toli out into the corridor.
"What has happened? What is wrong?"
"She stands out on the bartizan and will not come in. She stares as if transfixed. I do not know what to do, or how to move her."
They hurried quietly along the wide passage to the royal chambers, their shadows flitting beside them over the rough walls. "How long has she been out there?" he asked.
"When I brought her supper, she was standing there and told me to leave it, and when I came back a little while ago to see her asleep, her bed was unturned and her food untouched.”
Toli nodded but said nothing until they reached the royal apartments; Esme opened the door and went in quietly, Toli following. They passed through several rooms and came out onto the balcony where Bria stood motionless as carved stone, staring out into the moon-drenched night.
Toli took one long look and then turned to Esme. “Go and find Alinea,” he said softly. “It may be that she can be of help here.”
With a nod Esme left. Toli turned and went out on the bartizan. The night was cool and still; crickets chirped among the vines that grew up along the walls.
“My Lady,” he said gently, “it is very late, and we have much to do tomorrow.”
The Queen did not move or make a sign that she had heard or even noticed Toli’s presence. It was as if she were under a sorcerer’s spell and could be touched by nothing of the world around her.
Toli reached out a hand and took her arm. It was cool to the touch, and though she did not resist she also did not move. “My Lady,” Toli insisted, “you must rest.”
There was a brushing tread on the stone of the balcony, and Alinea, with a shawl over her arm, approached. “Bria, my dear, it is your mother.” She took the shawl and placed it over her daughter’s shoulders, speaking in soothing tones. “Come away, my darling.”
Alinea glanced at Toli and Esme. Toli stepped aside and motioned for Esme to follow him. The two retreated to an inner chamber.
When they were alone, Alinea put her arms around her daughter and held her. “Dear Bria,” she sighed, “I can only wonder what you must feel.”
A shudder passed through the younger woman’s body. Alinea continued in soothing tones to reassure her. At length there came a sigh and Bria turned her eyes, glassy from their long vigil, toward her mother. “He is out there, Mother,” she said, her voice full of pain. “My little one, my son, my beautiful boy. He is gone. I shall never see him again. I know it. I… shall -nev -Oh, Mother!”
At once the tears welled up and began rolling down her fair cheeks. She buried her face in her hands. Alinea pulled her tightly to her and stroked her auburn tresses.
In the chamber beyond, Toli and Esme heard the long, agonized sobs and turned away, embarrassed. They crept softly to the corridor to wait.
The silence between them grew awkward; neither one could speak, though both knew that someone should. Esme glanced tentatively at Toli; he looked back. She dropped her eyes. He turned away.
At last the silence became unendurable. Toli opened his mouth and stammered, “Esme, I… I-”
The door beside them opened, and Alinea appeared. Her deep green eyes reflected the depths of her sorrow, but her voice was calm and comforting. “She will sleep now, I think,” she said simply, having accomplished what only a mother could. “You two must also rest. These next days will be difficult for us all.”