… I may think I?ll get her permission, but I?m not sure…? ?Matti!? He wagged a finger at her.?It?s all our lives we?ve known each other, or nearly. Do you think I can?t tell when you?re making an excuse? And the same for Cardinal Maxwell!? ?Rudi-? Her voice was half desperate.?Rudi, if I?m your wife, we?ll have to sleep together.? ?And much else!? Rudi said happily. ?I mean… it?s not really a marriage unless it?s consummated!? ? Acushla, my thought exactly!? ?You… you man!? she said, and punched him on the chest; then winced when it jarred her healing arm.?You single-minded tomcat! You-?
He took a step back and raised his hands; it wasn?t the first time a woman had said something of the same order to him, but it was a blunt surprise now. ?Matti, darlin? girl, what?s the matter?? ?What happens, you idiot, when a man and a woman are together? Babies! Why do you call your goddess the Mother, Rudi? It?s not because she spanks you!?
He opened his mouth, then closed it again. Yes, there?s that geasa, he thought unhappily. They think it?s wicked to prevent conception. And it?s a strong custom. Matti wouldn?t break it.
It was also a real impediment. They were just about to start a journey through some of the deadliest wilderness in the world, and in midwinter at that. They would certainly have to fight at times. Matti was a warrior of considerable skill-no great champion, but well above average for an Associate of her age and easily as good as, say, Odard. But she couldn?t swing a sword from behind a yard of pregnant belly.
Or ride quickly, or run and hide, or…
She saw his hesitation, and followed the blow with a prodding finger.?And don?t tell me about the rhythm method. It?s good enough for home, but it doesn?t work all the time.?
To be sure not all methods of sharing pleasure lead to babies. But that would require a great deal of willpower. And that particular method is the crux of a marriage, to one of her faith; without it, there?s no true handfasting, no matter what the rites and ceremonies. It?s the thing that cannot be undone, to them. ?Do you think you?re the only one who?s tempted?? she said angrily, her voice rising.
She shrugged off his hand as she turned her face to the wall. ?Don?t tempt me, Rudi. It?s so… it?s so hard to keep saying no! I don?t want to! But I have to do what?s right.? ?It?s truly sorry I am,? Rudi said soberly.
Truly sorry, and very bewildered. And wishing you were a follower of the Old Religion, much more so than I ever have before.
She turned back to him and went on more softly:?Rudi, I can?t chance being pregnant in the wilderness. I just can?t. I?m… scared of it. And what if… Mother had a very hard time with me. They had to cut! We nearly both died, and that was with all the doctors in the Protectorate on hand, and Mother couldn?t have more children.?
He winced.?Matti, all that is as true as gold. But we?re going to be on this road a long time,? he said unhappily.?We?ve been a year and some months already, and we?re only three-quarters of the way! Matti, having the beauty of you there is going to be a torment, that it is. We?re betrothed now, not fancy-free.?
And it?s extremely awkward I would feel trying to take back the words. It?s?yes? I expected, or perhaps even?no,? but not?yes, in two years!? ?I know,? she said, and kissed him again.?It?s hard for me too. We?ll make an offering of the pain, and when we?re married, it will be all the sweeter for the memory.?
He stared at her.?Ah… Matti, I know that makes perfect sense to you, and as the Gods of my people witness, I respect it. There are many paths to the divine and they have their own rules; you can see it shining from Father Ignatius, and he?s not the only Christian I?ve met who was a holy man for all but the blind to see. But I?m not a Christian, you know, anamchara. My geasa are different. Sometimes I don?t think you realize quite how different, for all your time on the Clan?s land. And also a man and a woman are different in that way-?
This time she hit him in the pit of the stomach, where even a very strong man had no protection. The breath came out of him in an ooof; he wasn?t really winded enough to be helpless, but he did have to struggle with his half-paralyzed diaphragm for a moment. ?Rudi, I love you dearly, but sometimes you drive me crazy!? she said in a rush.?We?ll be married in Portland! When we get there! Now go away and come back when you?re… you?re civilized! Tomorrow! When you haven?t had so much to drink!?
The door closed; it almost slammed. Rudi clenched one big shapely hand into a fist and cocked it back as if he were going to punch it through the plaster-covered planks of the hallway?s wall. ?I drive you crazy, woman!? he snarled-softly.?Said the crow to the raven, what an exceeding blackness your feathers have!?
There were times when it was best to just walk away from a quarrel, even if you had just the telling word on your tongue-for example, the fact that her father had notoriously leapt on anything female that moved, and shaken most that weren?t to see if they were really shamming death, which was where he?d drawn the line. For that matter, Aunt Judy had told him the reason Sandra?s delivery of her daughter had been so hard had probably been that Norman Arminger had contracted a case of Aphrodite?s Measles from one of his numberless concubines.
Now that I can never say to her. It would be cruel. And perhaps she does know it, and it accounts for some of all this. I?m still angry enough to chew on nails, that I am!
At the end of the corridor he did kick the door; luckily it was a heavy thing of beveled oak planks. The pain in his toe made him want to punch the wall again. He stopped the motion with a slight snort of laughter at himself, and looked at the fingers of his right hand, wiggled them and sighed before making as if to kiss them. ?Not so fair and sweet as Mathilda are you,? he murmured.?Nor as dear to my heart, nor does the thought of you torment me with fair longings and warm dreams. But darlings, you?ve never said me no, have you the now??
He was still trying to curb his thoughts as he took the staircase to his own room three steps at a time, sure-footed as a cat in the darkness.
Discipline your mind, Master Hao said. Easier to do when faced with a deathmongering evil magus than close to the sweet-scented curved warm pleasantness of my Matti! he thought. And I am not a Christian. To me this makes no sense at all!
He wasn?t a sworn virgin either, and hadn?t been a virgin of any sort since that pleasant night in Dun Meillin when he was thirteen; nor had he and Mathilda ever been formally betrothed… Until recently, when it just seemed to have sort of happened without any particular day at which you could point, and now he?d gone and made it explicit.
Still, with her eyes upon him twenty-four hours a mortal day, this trip had involved more imitation of monkish chastity than he?d ever desired or practiced. When you were the Chief?s son and tall and handsome and had a way with words, he hadn?t needed to, given Mackenzie belief and custom. For that matter, according to the Clan?s way of looking at things, if she didn?t want to lie with him she had no grounds for objecting if he lay with another.
From now on it was going to be far worse, because she would object, and most mightily, and by her lights with reason. If they were to be handfasted, he couldn?t just disregard any part of her beliefs he didn?t happen to like.
I don?t know how poor Father Ignatius does it. Or doesn?t do it, so to say. With fidelity after we?re handfasted I have no problem whatsoever; Mathilda?s all the woman a man could need, and more. With years of waiting, a great many problems… do arise, and arise, and arise, to coin a phrase! And from my time in the Association lands, I know a great many Catholic ladies aren?t as stiff-necked about such matters as Mathilda, either. She wouldn?t be the darling she is if she weren?t sincere, but oh, how I could wish it were otherwise!