“Silence, braggart!” the emir exclaimed. “So why have your spies still not caught Hodja Nasreddin?”
Arslanbek held an embarrassed silence for a long time and finally admitted:
“O sovereign, I used all sorts of techniques, but my mind is helpless before this villain and blasphemer. I believe, sovereign, that we should seek the counsel of the sages.”
“By our ancestors, you should all be hanged on the city wall!” the emir exploded, and dealt an irritable, casual blow to his hookah-bearer, who happened to be near the regal hand at the moment. “Speak!” he commanded to the oldest sage, famous for his beard, which he could wrap twice around his waist like a belt.
The sage got up and, after pronouncing a prayer, ran his fingers along his famous beard. This he could not accomplish all at once, but only gradually, threading it through the fingers of his left hand with his right.
“May Allah extend the shining days of our sovereign eternally, for the benefit and joy of his people!” he began. “Since the aforementioned villain and rabble-rouser Hodja Nasreddin is nevertheless a man, we can conclude that his body is arranged in the same way as all other men; in other words, it consists of two hundred forty bones and three hundred sixty veins which control the lungs, the liver, the heart, the spleen, and the bile. The sages instruct us that the most important of these is the heart vein, which serves as the source of all others, and this is an unimpeachable and holy truth, contrary to the heretical teachings of the impious Abu-Izkhak, who dared make the false claim that the true foundation of a man’s life is the lung vein. According to the books of the most wise Avicenna, the pious Muhammad-al-Rasul, the Greek healer Hippocrates, and also Averroes from Cordoba, for we use the fruit of their meditations to this day, and also according to the teachings of al-Kendi, al-Farabi, and Abubazer-ibn-Tufeil, I will say and dare affirm that Allah created Adam from four elements – water, earth, fire, and air – and made it such that the yellow bile have the quality of fire, which we see in actuality, for it is hot and dry, the black bile the quality of earth, for it is cold and dry, saliva the quality of water, for it is cold and wet, and blood the quality of air, for it is hot and wet. And if one were to deprive a man of any of these fluids contained within him, then the aforementioned man would inevitably die, leading me to conclude, o luminous sovereign, that the aforementioned blasphemer and rabble-rouser Hodja Nasreddin should be deprived of blood, which is best done through the removal of his head from his body, for when the blood pours out of a man’s body, life vanishes and does not return. This is my advice, o luminous ruler and sanctuary of the world!”
The emir listened to all this carefully, and, without a word, signaled the second sage with a barely noticeable movement of his eyebrows. Although the second sage could not match the first in the length of his beard, he exceeded the long-bearded sage immeasurably in the size and splendor of his turban, whose immense weight had caused his neck to become crooked over the long years, giving him the appearance of a man who was always peeking sideways through a crack in the door. Bowing to the emir, he said:
“O great ruler, whose brilliance rivals the sun itself! I cannot agree with this method of ridding us of Hodja Nasreddin, for it is known that not only blood is necessary to sustain a man’s life, but also air, and if one were to squeeze a man’s throat with a rope and thus block the passage of air to his lungs, the man would inevitably die and could never be resurrected…”
“Right!” the emir said in a quiet voice. “You are quite correct, o wisest of the wise, and your advice is undoubtedly precious to us! Indeed, how would we rid ourselves of Hodja Nasreddin if you did not give us such precious advice?”
He stopped, unable to control his anger and rage; his cheeks trembled, his nostrils flared, and thunderbolts flashed in his eyes. But the court flatterers – the philosophers and poets who were standing in a semicircle behind the emir’s back – did not see the menacing face of their ruler and, taking these words to be sincere, decided that the sages really did distinguish themselves before the emir and would be elevated and lavished with favors. As a result, it was necessary to secure their goodwill at once, so as to derive benefit from it in the future.
“O wise sages, o pearls in the crown of our illustrious ruler, o wise sages whose wisdom exceeds wisdom itself, o those who are made wise by the wisdom of the wisest!”
Thus they praised, each trying to outdo the other in refinement and zeal, without noticing that the emir had turned, trembling with rage, and directed a piercing stare at them, while a sinister silence fell all around.
“O luminaries of knowledge and vessels of wisdom!” they continued, closing their eyes rapturously and shuddering in servile delight. But suddenly, the King of the Poets noticed the emir’s stare and almost swallowed his flattering tongue – he stumbled backwards in terror, and the others fell silent in his wake and began to tremble, having understood their error, which originated from an excessive desire to praise.
“O cheats, o loafers!” the emir exclaimed in indignation. “As if we do not know that if we chop off a man’s head or strangle him with a rope, he cannot be resurrected! But in order to do this, it is necessary to catch the man first, whereas you lazy cheats, loafers, and fools did not say a single word about how to catch him. All the viziers, officials, sages, and poets present here are to be deprived of wages until Hodja Nasreddin is caught. And we announce a reward of three thousand tanga to the one who catches him! And we also warn you that, having been assured of your laziness, denseness, and negligence, we have sent for a new sage from Baghdad to serve us, named Hussein Huslia, who had until now been serving my friend, the caliph of Baghdad. He is already on his way and will soon be here, and then woe betide you, o kneaders of mattresses, swallowers of food, and stuffers of your bottomless pockets!” he continued, growing more and more furious. “Away with them!” he shouted to the guards. “Kick them all out of here! Kick them out!”
The guards dashed towards the stunned courtiers, snatched them without any regard or respect, dragged them to the door, and tossed them down the stairs, where they were caught by other guards and helped along with smacks, punches, shoves, and kicks. The courtiers ran, overtaking each other; the white-haired sage got tangled in his own beard and fell, while the second sage stumbled on him and came crashing down headfirst into a thorny rose bush, where, shocked by the fall, he lay for a long time with his crooked neck, as if peeking through a crack in the door.
Chapter 19
The emir was grim and menacing all through the evening. The night passed, and the next morning, the fearful courtiers once again noticed the dark stamp of anger on his face.
All the efforts to distract and amuse him were in vain. The dancers who twisted before him in the smoke of fragrant incense, swaying their full hips, flashing their pearl teeth, and baring, as if by accident, their dark breasts, brought no result. Wasted were the gimmicks of the jesters, the acrobats, the magicians, and the Indian fakirs who could charm snakes with the song of their reed pipes.
The courtiers whispered among themselves:
“O accursed Hodja Nasreddin, o son of sin! What unpleasantness we have to suffer on his account!” They all directed hopeful gazes at Arslanbek. He gathered his most skillful spies in the guards’ quarters, including the pockmarked spy who was so miraculously cured of paralysis by Hodja Nasreddin.