I looked at him, and once more I felt the tears coming. They never let me down.
He was frowning, and his lips were slightly parted, and it seemed now I truly had dealt him a terrible blow. But he didn't speak to me. He seemed puzzled, and then he gave a little shake of his head as though he couldn't reply.
I realized that it wasn't vulnerability I saw in him now so much as compassion, and blatant concern for me.
He left the chair suddenly, dropping to his knees in front of me, and putting his hands on my shoulders, completely ignoring my faithful Mojo, who stared at him with indifferent eyes.
Did he realize this was how I'd faced Claudia in my fever dream?
"You're the same," he said. He shook his head. "The very same." . "The same as what?"
"Oh, every time you ever came to me, you touched me; you wrung from me a deep protectiveness. You made me feel love. And it's the same now. Only you seem all the more lost and in need of me now. I'm to take you forward, I see it clearly. I'm your link with the future. It's through me that you'll see the years ahead."
"You're the same too. An absolute innocent. A bloody fool." I tried to brush his hand off my shoulder, but didn't succeed. "You're headed for great trouble. Just wait and see." "Oh, how exciting. Now, come, we must go to Rio. We must not miss anything of the carnival. Though of course we can go again . . . and again . . . and again . . . But come."
I sat very still, looking at him for the longest time, until finally he became concerned again. His fingers were quite strong as they pressed my shoulders. Yes, I had done well with him in every step.
"What is it?" he asked timidly. "Are you grieving for me?"
"Perhaps, a little. As you've said, I'm not as clever as you are at knowing what I want.
But I think I'm trying to fix this moment in my mind. I want to remember it always-I want to remember the way you are now, here with me ... before things start to go wrong."
He stood up, pulling me suddenly to my feet, with scarcely any effort at all. There was a soft triumphant smile on his face as he noted my amazement.
"Oh, this is going to be really something, this little tussle," I said.
"Well, you can fight with me in Rio, while we are dancing in the streets."
He beckoned for me to follow him. I wasn't sure what we would do next or how we would make this journey, but I was wondrously excited, and I honestly didn't care about the small aspects of it at all.
Of course Louis would have to be persuaded to come, but we would gang up on him, and somehow lure him into it, no matter how reticent he was.
I was about to follow him out of the room, when something caught my eye. It was on Louis's old desk.
It was the locket of Claudia. The chain was coiled there, catching the light with its tiny gold links, and the oval case itself was open and propped against the inkwell, and the little face seemed to be peering directly at me.
I reached down and picked up the locket, and looked very closely at the little picture.
And a sad realization came to me.
She was no longer the real memories. She had become those fever dreams. She was the image in the jungle hospital, a figure standing against the sun in Georgetown, a ghost rushing through the shadows of Notre Dame. In life she'd never been my conscience! Not Claudia, my merciless Claudia. What a dream! A pure dream.
A dark secret smile stole over my lips as I looked at her, bitter and on the edge, once more, of tears. For nothing had changed in the realization that I had given her the words of accusation. The very same thing was true. There had been the opportunity for salvation-and I had said no.
I wanted to say something to her as I held the locket; I wanted to say something to the being she had been, and to my own weakness, and to the greedy wicked being in me who had once again triumphed. For I had. I had won.
Yes, I wanted to say something so terribly much! And would that it were full of poetry, and deep meaning, and would ransom my greed and my evil, and my lusty little heart. For I was going to Rio, wasn't I, and with David, and with Louis, and a new era was beginning . . .
Yes, say something-for the love of heaven and the love of Claudia-to darken it and show it for what it is! Dear God, to lance it and show the horror at the core.
But I could not.
What more is there to say, really?
The tale is told.
Lestat de Lioncourt New Orleans 1991