“Ho, can’t you just?” said Ethelred. “Wot about that drain wot I showed you?”
“They’ll have found that by now and filled it in, I’m afraid,” said Parrot.
“Well, wot I say is this,” said Ethelred. “I’m not such a useless Toad as some people might think, and I’ve played about in that Castle, Toad and Tadpole, for years now. Wot I don’t know about that there Castle isn’t worth knowing, and I say it’s not as impregers . . . impregers ... as wot you said.”
“Well, we’ll see,” said Parrot. “When we come to plan the final campaign, your knowledge will be of the utmost value to us.”
They were riding through very dense cork forest when suddenly the Unicorns, who had been trotting along quite happily, stopped and started to rear and mill around.
“Hey! hey! hey!” said Parrot. “What’s the to-do?”
But the two Unicorns carrying Simon and Peter with Parrot on his shoulder bolted off into the forest. Penelope’s Unicorn reared onto its hind legs, throwing Penelope and Ethelred off its back, before it also galloped off into the forest. Penelope fell into the bushes with a bump that knocked all the breath out of her body, and Ethelred, still clasping Penelope’s first aid kit, fell on his head in the middle of the path and lay stunned.
Penelope was about to go and see if he was badly hurt, when her blood froze. Around the corner of the path, out of the cork forest, appeared three Cockatrices, their scales rattling as they marched, their pale eyes glaring. Penelope sank back into the bushes and stayed quite still, hoping that the Cockatrices wouldn’t notice Ethelred, but he was lying right in the middle of the path. He was just sitting up, rubbing his head and groaning, when the Cockatrices came up to him.
“Har,” said the leading Cockatrice in a nasty, gobbling voice. “What have we here?”
“I’m a Peruvian greengrocer, wot’s ’ere traveling around to collect a cargo of moon-carrots,” said Ethelred immediately, with great confidence.
“You don’t look like a Peruvian greengrocer,” said the Cockatrice, peering at him, little wisps of flame and smoke trailing from his nostrils. “You look more like a Toad.”
“Well, I’ll let you into a secret,” said Ethelred, smiling up at the Cockatrice. “But first, would you mind moving your beak a little bit? I don’t want to get me ’at singed.”
“Well,” said the Cockatrice, standing back, “what’s the secret?”
“Well,” said Ethelred, “I’m a Toad—that’s quite true. I’m disguised as a Peruvian greengrocer because I’m incognito.”
“What?” snarled the Cockatrice.
“I’m in disguise,” Ethelred explained.
“Why?” asked the Cockatrice.
“Because,” said Ethelred, “I’m on a very important mission, that’s why. I’m carrying a very valuable present ’ere from the ’Ead Griffon to the Chief Cockatrice.”
“What is the present?” asked the Cockatrice.
“It’s a Complete Master Spy’s outfit,” said Ethelred, patting the first aid kit. “In ’ere is the equipment that will turn you into an Australian sheep farmer on vacation or a Lithuanian ambassador to Togoland, in a flash.”
“I don’t believe you, Toad,” snarled the Cockatrice. “Show me what you have in the bag.”
Penelope held her breath, for she knew that the only things in the bag were medical supplies she had brought.
“ ’Ere, I can’t do that,” Ethelred protested. “It’s not good manners to show you other people’s presents.”
“If you don’t show me, I shall arrest you,” said the Cockatrice.
“ ’Ere,” said Ethelred, playing for time. “You’ve got no right to arrest me. Wot ’ave I done?”
“We are the Government. Therefore we have every right to arrest you,” said the Cockatrice. “At your execution, your crime will be read out for you to hear. Open the bag.”
“Oh, all right, then,” said Ethelred sulkily. He opened the bag and emptied the contents onto the ground, while the three Cockatrices bent over it interestedly, peering with their pale straw-colored eyes.
“What’s that?” asked one Cockatrice, pointing at a roll of cotton wool.
“False ’air,” said Ethelred immediately. “Stick it on your ’ead and you’re an old man of ninety in a second.”
“And that?” asked the second Cockatrice, pointing at the bandages.
“Bandages,” said Ethelred. “Wrap ’em round you and you’re a wounded warrior in a trice. Wrap ’em round your ’ead and your own mum wouldn’t know you.”
“And this?” asked the third Cockatrice, pointing at a bottle of iodine.
“ ’Indu makeup,” said Ethelred airily. “Splash it on your face, couple of bandages round your ’ead, a ruby or two, and you’re a Maharaja wot’s so lifelike you could deceive an elephant.”
“And this?” asked the first Cockatrice, pointing to a small bottle.
The bottle, Penelope knew, contained lavender water, which she’d brought because it was cooling and soothing if somebody had a headache or sunstroke.
“Invisible ink,” said Ethelred.
“But why isn’t it invisible?” asked the Cockatrice.
“Because invisible ink isn't” Ethelred explained. “It’s wot it writes wot’s invisible, not the ink.”
“I don’t believe you,” said the Cockatrice. “Open the bottle and let me see you write something invisible.”
“You ain’t ’alf a disbelieving lot,” grumbled Ethelred. “ ’Ow can you see me write something wot’s invisible?” Nevertheless, he picked up the bottle and uncorked it.
Immediately the most extraordinary thing happened. The three Cockatrices reeled back, the tears streaming from their eyes, and they started sneezing. As they sneezed, great gushes of flame and smoke shot from their nostrils, and Ethelred, holding the bottle of lavender water with one hand and his top hat on with the other, had to hop to and fro with great agility to prevent himself from being burnt.
“Why,” thought Penelope to herself, “they’re behaving just like the one that was chasing Septimus. I must have had some lavender water on my clothes.”
Suddenly the three Cockatrices could stand it no longer. Wheezing and gasping for breath, their eyes watering, sneezing great sheets of flame, they turned and ran, coughing and spluttering, into the cork forest.
“Cor blimey,” said Ethelred, gazing after them in astonishment. “Suffering frog’s spawn. ’O’d ’ave thought it?”
“Ethelred,” said Penelope, coming out of the bushes, some of which were still smoldering, “that was the bravest thing I’ve ever seen anyone do.”
“Cor, miss, it wasn’t nuffink,” said Ethelred, going a deep crimson.
“Not only were you brave, but you discovered something the Cockatrices don’t like, and that’ll be a great help to us in our battle,” said Penelope.
“You mean the lavender water, miss?” asked Ethelred. “Yes, that did seem to get them in a pickle, I must admit.”
“Em not quite sure how we can use it,” said Penelope, “but I’m sure one of the others will be able to think of a way.”
Just at that moment Peter and Simon appeared, galloping back through the woods with Penelope’s Unicorn following.
“Are you all right, Penny?” shouted Simon.
“Quite all right,” she shouted back.
“It was these stupid Unicorns,” shouted Peter. “They said they could smell Cockatrice ...” His voice died away as he saw all the smoldering bushes and charred trees. “So the Unicorns were right,” he said. “There were Cockatrices about.”
“And if it hadn’t been for Ethelred’s bravery, I don’t know what would have happened,” said Penelope, climbing onto her Unicorn.
“ ’Ere, steady on, miss,” said Ethelred, as he took his place behind her. “You’re making me all embarrassed.”
“Ethelred’s made a most important discovery,” said Penelope. “But with all these Cockatrices about, it’s not safe here. Let’s get back to the Crystal Caves and I’ll tell you about it there.”