“Damned right,” I said, and hell would freeze over before I apologized for that.
“And did you stop to consider there might be a reason we’re going slowly with you?”
“I did.”
“And?”
“And you still don’t trust me.” He opened his mouth to protest, but I stopped him with a shake of my head. I’d thought a lot about Regan’s words and decided they made sense. It was a lot to ask a man who was uncomfortable with shades of gray to fully and immediately accept a troop member who was both Shadow and Light. “You never say it outright, but you ignore the talents that side has gifted me with, the things I can do and see because the Shadow lives inside of me, and refuse to use them for good.”
He shook his head. “Not true.”
“Then look me in the eye and tell me you haven’t sat up at night worried your precious Kairos was going to start pinch-hitting for the other side.” My mouth was dry, my heart pounding, but it felt good to finally get it out in the open…even if it might get me killed. I forced him to meet my gaze, eyes fierce as I pleaded with him to listen to me. “Because that’s what you’re saying, isn’t it? That I’m going to be so enamored of the power promised to me by dear ol’ dad, that one day I’m going to wake up and take all the training and knowledge and power your troop has gifted me with, and start using it against you?”
His answer came in the emotions bleeding through the molecules between us. They were torn, sullied things, sharpened by a confusion he’d never felt before. Warren had only ever had one job, to lead this troop against beings who operated under the same restrictions but refused to play by the rules. While we fought fairly, they looked for loopholes. We acted defensively while they played offense, and a mean one at that.
Was it any wonder that the way I bucked at my restraints was seen as a rebellion? Or the way I questioned everything was interpreted as devious? Shadows were not to be trusted-as I’d just found out the hard way-and here was one, half one anyway, living in their midst, sharing their thoughts, emotions, training, secrets. I’d be just as cautious in Warren’s shoes, but how many times was I going to have to prove myself for him to stop frowning when he looked at me? Or wondering about my motives? Or fearing my growing strength?
Warren’s sigh broke into my thoughts, and for the first time since he entered the room I really looked at him. He had a gash on his arm the length of two fists, and though his lids were heavy with fatigue, his hair even greasier than usual, he wasn’t in his hobo attire. He was just an exhausted leader in a war that showed no sign of ending.
“You underestimated this Regan woman,” he finally said, standing.
“I know.” My glyph nearly started pulsing at the thought of it. “It won’t happen again.”
“It shouldn’t have happened at all,” he said sharply, though before my hope could ebb, added, “but we’ll start over from here. You’re going to tell us everything that happened from the first time she contacted you. If you can convince me that she’s the only one who knows about your hidden identity…then we’ll see what can be done.”
He meant he wouldn’t take it from me. Yet. And I nodded because it was as much of an accord as we were going to reach…and as much of an apology either of us was going to get. He was still angry with me for endangering them all, but at least he no longer thought it purposeful. And, I thought, rising, I was back in the loop again. Back in the troop. For now, anyway.
We crossed back into the boneyard at dusk, and I spent the evening piecing together everything that had happened since I met Regan. It was strained at first; Warren would barely look at me, ostensibly busy taking notes, while Micah stiffly directed impersonal questions in my general direction. But after an hour or so of answering their questions as fully as I could, they began to understand the how and why of my actions.
Not that Warren would ever admit as much. He kept his head bent over his notepad, but Micah’s eyes softened when I revealed Joaquin’s words to me while I was trussed up in his mountainside. Gregor was present, as he could best piece together a timeline between my account and the events he’d been logging from the front seat of his cab, but everyone else had been told they’d be updated in the morning, and to get some sleep before our next group move. I had to admit it was nice being on the inside for a change, and I fought off my own fatigue in favor of being a central part of the planning stage. Besides, I owed them.
We talked well into the night, taking our dinner in seclusion, and I discovered during the course of the conversation that Warren and the others hadn’t spontaneously realized I was gone. Rena’s conscience had gotten the best of her and she’d told them about my disappearance the week before. I’d also been spotted entering the archive room the day before, and a closer look had revealed a map still positioned in the photocopier there…a map of Joaquin’s neighborhood.
Tekla, meanwhile, had retired to the astrolab to meditate, draw up a new chart based on all current information, and study the sky via the cam she’d hidden on the highest hotel in Las Vegas. I was secretly glad for her absence. As hard-nosed as Warren could be, Tekla was doubly so. Nothing was middle ground for her. She epitomized the polarities she studied so fervently, and I knew no degree of explanation would ever sway her.
Warren finally threw down his pen and leaned back in his chair. “So there’s an antivirus out there somewhere. All we have to do is locate a vial of it, and Micah can mass produce it. Spread it among the mortals.”
“Can’t we just draw it from her?” Gregor asked, because it’d be great if we could whip up our own concoction of magical whup-ass, but the Shadows had used science to develop a weapon to be used against us, so we had to do the same. “Use her blood to isolate the…thingies?”
Micah smiled at Gregor’s scientific prowess. “We could, and will, but that’ll take time, and we don’t have that.”
“What about the lab in Valhalla? Let’s break in again and steal whatever we can get our hands on.” I flipped open the latest manual to the page where Hunter and I stood talking in the casino, garish lights blaring behind us, pulsing up from the page like neon hearts. Hunter towered over me, which took me aback a bit. Did we really look like that together? It was a bad drawing, surely exaggerated, but it reminded me of the way he’d looked in his bedroom, taking up all my personal space, eyes dark as raindrops and lightning slashed over his cheeks.
There’d be no more stolen kisses now, I thought, thinking of the hard way he’d regarded me tonight. Or invitations to a room with a rain forest view. I sighed and shook the thought from my head.
Micah’s big shoulders drooped as he took the manual from my hands. “Sure. It’ll be that easy.”
“Hunter can do it,” I pointed out.
“He can help,” Warren corrected, rising to pace. “But we need his identity to remain a secret.”
“I’ll do it,” I said, earning a trio of blank stares. I scowled.
“I’ll send Jewell and Riddick. They’re not well-known faces yet. Felix can provide backup.”
To be honest, I was almost relieved at not being included. My failure with Joaquin had shaken me more than I wanted to admit, the nightmare afterward sealing the deal. My confidence was shaken. I needed to regroup and, yes, learn some more. But first I had to see to one more thing.
“I have to know that he’s safe,” I told Warren after the others had left, and I told him what I needed to do. I held up a hand even before he opened his mouth to protest. “You want me to stay away from Ben, not even think about him, but I can’t do that unless I know he doesn’t have this virus.”
He looked at me for such a long time, I thought for sure he was going to say no. So when he agreed, even going so far as to say he’d take care of it himself, I was relieved. And suspicious. Warren wasn’t beyond saying what I wanted to hear in order to get his way. But I nodded to let him know that was good enough for me…and silently vowed to find a way to double check his work.