When I arrive, however, I can’t find Lila anywhere. The place is filled with ogling guys, drooling all over themselves as they stare up at the half-dressed women shaking their asses on the bar. It’s the first time I’ve showed up at a place like this not looking for entertainment and it’s strange seeing it from an outsider’s point of view. It makes me think kind of poorly of myself for being here and loathing myself for letting Lila work in a place like this. Why didn’t I stop her? Sure, she needs a job, but not like this.
I stop one of the waitresses as she whisks by wearing a see-through dress and carrying a drink tray. “Hey, there’s a girl named Lila who works here. Have you seen her?” There’s panic in my voice.
She looks me over from head to toe and then tries to dazzle me with a grin. “No, but whatever you’re looking for, I can sure as hell give it to you.”
“No, thanks,” I say, walking away from an open invitation. And I haven’t had sex with anyone since Lila moved in twenty-two fucking days. Jesus, I’m getting blue balls.
I’m making my way to the bar when my phone vibrates from inside my pocket. I reach in and take it out, checking the text message.
Lila: I messed up.
Shit.
Me: What happened?
Lila: I did something bad… I think I might need your help.
Me: Where r u?
Lila: At work.
I glance around at the packed tables, the dancers, and the crowded bar area.
Me: Where?
Lila: In the bathroom.
I scan the room until I spot the restroom sign. I shove through people, pushing anyone who gets in my way. Finally, I stumble into the hallway and the voice and music quiet down a little bit. I walk up to the bathroom door and text Lila.
Me: I’m right outside.
Lila: Why???
Me: Because I wanted to see if you were okay.
Lila: Okay… can you come in here then… I need u…
Need. It’s a very strong word. Taking a deep breath, I push the door open. There are two women fussing over their reflections in the mirror. When they spot me, their eyes widen.
“Ladies.” I grin charismatically at them.
They seem unimpressed and scurry for the door, one of them calling me a pervert, but I ignore them. I scan the stall doors, all of them shut.
“Lila,” I call out.
It takes a second before I hear her muffled voice. “I’m in here.”
It sounds like she’s in the last stall. I make my way over and when I put my hand on the door, it swings open. She’s sitting on the grimy floor, hugging her legs to her chest, her chin resting on her knees. She’s still wearing the outfit from earlier, but she has a jacket pulled over her.
“What are you doing?” I ask, cautiously stepping inside the stall.
“I messed up,” she mutters, frowning at the floor.
I take another step in and shut the door behind me, gliding over the latch to lock it. “Did you… did you take a pill?” My heart pounds in my chest as I wait for her answer.
She glances up at me and her eyes are red and swollen, like she’s been crying. “Would you hate me if I did?”
I crouch down beside her, brushing her hair out of her eyes, trying to get a good look at her pupils so I can get a better assessment of her state of mind. “I could never hate you, Lila. I… I already told you that I messed up while I was trying to recover, too, but it’s important that you tell me the truth so that I can help you.”
She takes an unsteady breath and then her hand trembles as she removes it from around her leg and stretches it out in front of her. Inside her palm is a tiny white pill.
“Fuck.” I run my fingers through my hair, relief rushing over me so powerfully it’s hard to stay upright. “Did you… did you take another one?” I’m afraid to find out, fearing that we’re going to have to start over.
She shakes her head, her whole body quivering. “N-no but I want to take this one. So bad, Ethan. I can’t even…” Her chest heaves up and down as she fights to breathe. “It’s driving me crazy, it even being in my hand.”
Blowing out a breath, I take the pill, pinching it between my fingers as I straighten my legs and stand up. She doesn’t say anything, fiddling with the ring on her finger as I make my way over to the toilet, but her eyes are fixed on me.
I hold my hand over the bowl, waiting for her to yell at me, but she just watches, horrified and relieved at the same time as I open my hand and let the pill fall. When it hits the water, I flush the toilet and then turn back to her, finally able to breathe again.
“Are you okay?” I ask.
She nods, tears pooling in her eyes. “I’m so sorry.”
I squat down in front of her again, needing to get closer to her, like a magnetic current is guiding me to her. It’s overwhelming how much I want to be close to her and how much I regret driving her to this place on the floor. It’s all my fault and I know it. I fucking screwed up and now I need to fix it.
I look her in the eye so I can see what she’s feeling, let her know what I’m feeling. “Sorry for what? You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m the one who yelled at you.”
She lets out a sharp laugh as tears slip out of her eyes. “Didn’t do anything? I went over to my prescription-writer drug dealer, or whatever the hell you want to call him, totally ready to fuck his brains out so I could get one single pill.”
My heart tightens in my chest and it feels like a knotted, warped, thorny vine is winding through my body and stabbing at every single inch me. I feel like I’m being ripped apart from the inside, a feeling I’ve never felt before and can’t quite comprehend the entire meaning of. “It’s okay,” I say, even though it’s not. She fucked some guy for drugs. She fucked him. Fucked him. I take a deep breath and unsteadily let it out.
“No, it’s not okay,” she says, sniffling as tears fall down her cheeks. “I messed up. Really, really bad.”
I hook my finger under her chin, so she’ll have to look at me. “No, you didn’t. You didn’t take it and that’s good. Really, really fucking amazing.”
“I know that,” she says, puffing out a frustrated breath. “That’s not what I’m upset about.”
I slant my head to the side, confused. “Then why are you? Is it… is it because of what I said back at the apartment? Because I’m really sorry I said it. I was just…” I glance at her body hanging out of the barely there clothes she’s wearing. “I don’t like you dressing like that. At all.”
Her shoulders rise and then slump as she inhales and exhales, looking ashamed. “I stole the pill while Parker was going to the bathroom. I didn’t sleep with him like I promised.”
“Parker?” I state, my eyes wide. “That preppy jerk you used to date? That’s where you get the pills?”
She nods. “And the prescriptions.” She blinks and then panic fills her eyes as she quickly stands up, nearly smacking her head against mine and I have to lean back on my heels to get out of her way. “Look, it doesn’t matter. He’s going to be pissed, Ethan. He’ll come looking for me, wanting to collect what I took. And I’m going to have to sleep with him.” She starts to pace the stall as I stand up. “Normally, that was never a problem but normally I was medicated.” She anxiously chews on her fingernails. “It felt so wrong, just from him kissing me. I could feel it…” She shakes her head, her eyes widening with whatever revelation she’s having. “I could feel everything.”
“That’s a good thing, though.” I lean back against the stall, very aware at how relieved I’m feeling over the fact that she didn’t sleep with Parker, but also furious that that asshole was her pill provider. I seriously want to beat him. “Feeling stuff is a good thing.”