I loved her story and it gave me hope that one day I’ll figure out what I want. Although, I do know one thing that I want. My very sexy roommate/drummer/savior. Although, he’ll never admit it, Ethan saved me. Many, many times. If I could just have him now, then life would be good. Because I want him. Want him. I really, really do.
After my head fills like it’s going to burst from overthinking, I decide to call Ella to distract myself and to maybe get some girl advice with my guy problems.
“Hey,” Ella says, answering after a few rings. “I was actually getting ready to call you!”
“Oh yeah?” I stare out the bus window at the street, the smell of fast food from the takeout bag on my lap overwhelming me. “Maybe you read my mind, then.”
“Maybe.” She pauses. “Okay, I was trying to figure out how to ask you, since every time I’ve ever brought you and Ethan up, you always deny there’s anything going on, but I’m just going to be blunt. Are you living with him? Because Micha said you were.”
“Umm…” I let out a breath, unsure why it’s always been so hard for me to talk about my relationship with Ethan aloud. “Yeah, I have been for a while.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” she asks with a hint of humor in her tone. “Are you… are you two together?”
“Not together like that,” I say quickly. “And I didn’t tell you because the reason I moved in with him isn’t the kind of stuff I’m used to talking about.”
“I get that,” she says. “But I still wish you would have at least given me a heads-up.”
“Heads-up?” I reply in a teasing tone and she laughs. “I am really sorry. The next huge news I have is yours first.”
“Good.” She clears her throat, sounding nervous. “And now I have news.”
“Oh my God, are you pregnant?” I sit up straight in the seat, trying not to laugh at my joke.
“What! No!” She gives me an elongated pause. “Why would you think that?”
“Why wouldn’t I think that? You and Micha are always going at it, even when you’re not together. The walls were very thin in our apartment and those late-night chats you two had while he was on the road were very, very loud.”
“Oh my God,” she says, mortified. “You should have said something.”
“Like what? Quit having such loud phone sex with your boyfriend.” I laugh and then lean closer to the wall, shielding out the sunlight with my hand. “But anyway, what’s your big news?”
She takes a deep inhale. “Micha and I are getting married.”
“I already knew that.”
“I know… but in, like, a week.”
My jaw drops as my hand falls to my lap. “Are you sure you’re not pregnant?” Now I’m being a little bit serious.
“Quit saying that. You’re scaring the shit out of me.” She steadies her anxious breath. “I’m not pregnant. We just wanted to get married and figured why the hell not, since we’re already living together. We’ve practically been living together since we were four.”
I smile, because even though I’m jealous, they are cute enough that the jealousy is worth it. “Did Micha give you that speech?”
She laughs. “Is it that obvious?”
“Um, yeah. It always is with him,” I say, coiling a strand of my much shorter hair around my finger. I pause, because even though I’ve been a cheerleader over their relationship from the start, as a best friend, I still have to make sure. “Is this what you want?”
“Yeah, it really is.” She sounds so happy and the jealousy in my chest builds.
“All right, then, I’ll get over there,” I say. “But I have to point out that I really hate California, so my going there means I really must love you.”
She’s quiet for a while and with Ella, that means she’s really thinking. “Lila, thank you,” she finally says. “For everything.”
“Oh, whatever. I didn’t even do anything really.”
“Yeah, you kind of did,” she insists. “If it wasn’t for your little pushes, telling me that I’d be giving up the kind of love that shouldn’t exist—letting me know how lucky I am—then I’m not sure I’d be where I am, but I don’t think I’d be getting ready to marry the love of my life.”
“That’s not entirely true,” I say. “Things still could have worked out for you.”
“I doubt it, but maybe… maybe I would have finally come to my senses on my own and quit fighting the need to make myself miserable.” She sounds like she’s getting choked up, which is strange for her. She pauses and then clears her throat. “You’re coming, though, right? And you’ll be my maid of honor?”
“Of course. I’ve actually always wanted to be one.” I pause, contemplating whether I should ask, since her family is such a serious subject for her. “Ella, who else is coming?”
“You and Ethan.”
“And your dad?”
She hesitates. “I know things have been going pretty good between my dad and me and even my brother, but this is kind of something I want to be simple. Just me and Micha and you and Ethan, of course. Then there won’t be any drama.”
I sigh, sad that that’s how she feels. But then again, if I ever did get married, I’m not sure I’d want my family there either because they’d probably ruin it for me, especially if the groom wasn’t up to their standards. “Well, I’m totally coming, but you’ll have to ask Ethan.”
“Micha already did.”
“When?”
“A few days ago,” she says hesitantly. “He said he’d go.”
I’m kind of hurt. Why did he not mention this to me? “Okay, then I guess I’m going.” Usually, I’m good at sounding happy when I’m not, but the hurt shows through in my voice.
“Are you okay?” she asks. “I mean, with Ethan… is everything okay between you two?”
“Why would I not be okay?” I stand up from the seat as the bus reaches my stop, growing nervous over the idea that Ethan said something about us.
“I don’t know… because you two have a weird relationship.”
I grab the handle as the bus lurches to a stop. “Did Ethan say that to Micha?”
“No.” She sounds like she’s lying.
“Ella, please just tell me if he said anything.” I step off the bus and onto the curb feeling very insecure.
“Look, Lila, just relax,” she says and then I hear someone shout in the background. “Look, I got to go. Call me later after you’ve talked to Ethan and let me know when you’ll get here and stuff.”
“Fine.” I look left and right and hurry across the street toward my apartment. “Wait for me to shop for your dress, though.”
“Okay, I will, but I’m telling you right now,” she says, “that I won’t in any way shape or form be wearing a frilly white dress. It needs to be rock-star-ish or something.”
“Oh, we’ll find you something very Ella-like.” I step onto the sidewalk and enter the apartment complex entryway that’s situated between a broken fence and a desolate section of sandy land. The sun is setting so the air isn’t nearly as hot as midday, yet it’s still blistering and I’m starting to sweat. “I’m an excellent shopper.”
“It’s a deal,” she says cheerfully. “Talk to you later.”
“Okay, bye.” I hang up and seconds later I realize that I never got around to the reason why I called her.
Sighing, I take the house key out of my pocket, frustrated at myself because I really could use some girl advice about Ethan and what I should do and she probably would have given it if I’d just been brave enough to ask her, but my initial instincts to keep my mouth shut got the best of me. Although, I remember in high school how far girl advice got me. Just sleep with him. It’ll feel good and he’ll be less likely to break up with you. Sex means commitment. Sex means you’re older. Sex. Sex. Sex. I’m not even sure if they were ever really being sincere or if they were just toying with me.