When I enter the apartment, Ethan’s still not back from work. I settle down on the couch, with the takeout bag in front of me on the coffee table, trying not to think too much about the past, otherwise I know where I’ll end up heading—what I’ll end up doing. I turn on some of Ethan’s music, which I’m still getting used to, feeling nervous for some reason, like I can feel that I’m about to do or say something really stupid. Because I’m seriously considering telling him that I like like him. It’s time to be bold and blunt. It’s time to let him know how I feel. That I like him. I might even love him. My eyes widen as I realize that I might really do it and then double widen as I run my fingers through my now-chin-length hair that’s even shorter in the back. And as if that wasn’t a big enough change, I had black streaks put in.
“Who am I?” I whisper. I really don’t know anymore. A girl who chops off her own hair? Feels things for Ethan? A girl who wants to tell Ethan about her feelings? And that is very, very scary.
I’m deciding what I should do, run away or stay put and face my fears, finally be brave, when someone knocks on the door. I get up and open the door, then swiftly step back. “Parker?”
He looks me over and his face twists with disgust when he notes my new hair. “What the fuck did you do to you hair?”
“Cut it.” I shrug, praying to God he’s not here for the pills, even though deep down I know there’s no way that could be true. “What are you doing here?”
He’s wearing a navy-blue polo shirt, slacks, and a Rolex. “Don’t act like you’re surprised to see me.” His tone is sharp, his posture very rigid and threatening.
Suddenly I’m very aware that I’m alone in the apartment. “How did you know where I live?” I ask, gripping the doorknob tightly.
“I asked around.” He takes a deliberate step toward me, inching his way into the doorway. “You fucking stole from my stash, Lila. My fucking stash. Now I know you’re used to getting your way with me, but not with this. This is business.”
I step back, moving to shut the door, but he slams his hand against it. “I’m sorry, Parker,” I say, attempting to stay calm, but my palms start to sweat and my heart is beating wildly inside my chest. “I didn’t mean to. Really. I was just having a rough day and I messed up.”
He stalks closer, stepping over the threshold and onto the small section of chipped linoleum in the entryway. “Don’t try to feed me your sob story. You didn’t mean to? Seriously. What?” He starts swinging his hands animatedly as he speaks and it makes me wince. “You just accidentally opened the bottle hidden in my nightstand drawer and then accidentally poured a pill into your hand. I checked after you left, Lila, and there was a pill missing. And you know I keep track of that shit. You’ve seen me count them after I make a deal. Although, I’m a little surprised you took only one, seeing as how I’ve seen you pop four at a time without even hesitating.”
Shaking my head, I stumble back into the living room and inch around the coffee table, knowing I’m in serious trouble. “Look, what do you want me to say? I’m sorry, okay? I messed up. But I can’t bring the pill back. I can pay for it, though.” I reach for my wallet that’s next to the television.
He laughs darkly, walking all the way into the apartment. “You’re going to pay me for that fucking pill, Lila,” he says, shutting the door with his foot, keeping his eyes fixed on me. “But not with money. You know I don’t except cash for pills.”
I glance at the hallway, contemplating running into the bathroom and locking myself in there. This is bad. Very, very bad. I can feel that something bad is about to happen and I’m not sure how to get out of it.
“Don’t even think about it,” he says and then unzips his pants. “Now, you can either fuck me or suck my dick, but either way I’m going to get something out of this. I’m not just going to let you steal a pill from me and get away with it. You know me better than that.”
“You’re right. I do,” I say, my voice unsteady as I search around the room for my phone. Where did I leave it?
This evil ugly monster is about to come out of him. I know because I’ve seen it with every other guy out there. Try not to give them anything and they’ll break you. Give them what they want and they’ll take everything you have and then they’ll leave you in the dirt.
I press my lips together, feeling a slight tremor inside my heart, but deep down I know I can probably do this if I need to. Just screw him and get it over with. I’ve done it before, but that was when I felt nothing. But right now it feels worse than wrong. It feels icky and twisted and warped. I’m scared, just like I was when Sean tied me to the bed, ropes around my ankles, wrists, even my stomach. I didn’t want to do it. I even told him that. Once. But once wasn’t enough and he took what he wanted.
“I think I—” I start, my hip bumping into the corner of the television stand as I try to back away more.
Parker hurries forward, his fly undone and before I can move he grabs a handful of my hair, wrenching on the roots so hard my scalp stings. “Get down on your fucking knees and be the whore that you and I and every other guy out there knows that you are.”
I raise my hand to slap him, but he catches me by the wrist, jabbing his fingers into my skin as he slaps me across my face. Tears sting at my eyes and my ears ring as he shoves me down onto the floor, pressing on my shoulders until I’m kneeling at his feet. I whimper pathetically as the rough carpet scrapes against my knees and my neck bends in an awkward position. “Stop it, Parker… You’re hurting me.”
“Good.” Cupping the back of my head, and still grasping violently on to my hair, he shoves my face toward his open fly. “Open your mouth and be the whore that you are.”
I remember when I was dating Parker I never felt a single speck of emotion. My mind and body were blank, just like almost every other single sexual encounter. I want the blankness right now—crave it. But it’s not coming. The switch that flips is staying stubbornly in place. I can feel the shame, terror, and embarrassment way too much. I start to cry because this is real. I’m not drunk or on pills and I don’t want to do anything with Parker, like I really didn’t want to with Sean. I was just too afraid to admit it and worried that if I walked away he wouldn’t love me. And I wanted—want—to be loved for once in my life.
But I never said no. All these years and not once did I refuse anyone who wanted me. I worried that no guy would ever listen to me, and really, I just didn’t think I was good enough to say no. In a sickening and perverse way, I’ve never felt good enough for anyone. So I just popped pills and did things I thought other people wanted me to do and waited for them to accept me, to love me, yet they never did. I thought Sean loved me, but he hurt me and now I’m scarred inside and out. I’m scarred and I don’t want to be. I want to feel like a whole person again. I want to go back to being fourteen and not make stupid choices, not have sex with an older guy who ties me to the bed after I say I don’t think I want to, that I don’t think I can, and then he screws me so hard the ropes cut into my skin and I bleed all over the bed. Then I’m left feeling guilty because I let it get that far and I’ll always feel like I didn’t put up enough of a fight. But I was lost. Confused.