I do what I can to be pleasant, but there is a distance between us, a chasm I dare not traverse. I find things to do when she talks to me—I pick up after the kids, I do the dishes, anything to justify having my back to her. I have not looked her in the eye since the test. I avoid her gaze as best I can. I am afraid she will see right through me and realize what I am. I could not live with that.
There is a darkness in me, now. A monster awakened from a very long sleep. I suppose it was always there, but now it’s running loose. I get angry at things, insignificant things. I snap at Tidir for being kind to me. I scold my children for being children. I choose my words carefully like I would a weapon. I hurt the people I love. I watch it all happen like I would a movie. I do not trust the man in the mirror anymore.
Six months ago over breakfast, Ramzi knocked his grape juice down on the kitchen table. I didn’t get up. I didn’t put my newspaper down. I watched the purple shape reach the end of the table and drip onto my shoe. Then I hit him. I slapped him hard on the cheek. I felt the futility of regret when I saw fear in my daughter’s eyes. She’s seen the monster and she can’t unsee it. What hurt me the most was the way Ramzi took it. He didn’t cry. He found a cleaning cloth and wiped the juice off the table, then he looked at me, unsure if he should clean my shoe. It wasn’t just a boy trying to make amends. I saw… respect. He’d learned something that morning, something horrible that would stay with him his whole life.
I wanted to leave—not the room, or the house, or the town. I thought the pills were the only thing keeping me here, so I stopped taking them for a week. I’m still here. I think about leaving from time to time. I wonder if anyone would miss me. I think about leaving, but I don’t. I’m still here. I choose to stay. I stay because I’m a father. I will always love my children, and I will be there for them, to cherish them and protect them, even from me. I stay because I am a husband. Even in the darkness I carry, my wife still shines bright. She is the beacon I follow whenever I have doubts. I owe Tidir a life. It’s a debt I can never repay, but the least I can do is try. I stay because I am a doctor, a neighbour, a friend. I stay because I have a responsibility to the people around me.
My name is Idir Jalil, and I’m a citizen.
Acknowledgments
I want to thank Lee Harris and everyone at Tor.com for giving this story a home. Thank you to my agent, Seth, and the amazing team at Gernert, and to Jon Cassir at CAA. To my son and all the kids who see people as people and haven’t learned how to hate, thank you. You give me hope.
About the Author
SYLVAIN NEUVEL dropped out of high school at age fifteen. Along the way, he has been a journalist, worked in soil decontamination, sold ice cream in California, and peddled furniture across Canada. He received a PhD in linguistics from the University of Chicago. He taught linguistics in India and worked as a software engineer in Montreal. He is also a certified translator, though he wishes he were an astronaut. He likes to tinker, dabbles in robotics, and is somewhat obsessed with Halloween.
He absolutely loves toys; his girlfriend would have him believe that he has too many, so he writes about aliens and giant robots as a blatant excuse to build action figures (for his son, of course). He is the author of the Themis Files series: Sleeping Giants (“One of the most promising series kick-offs in recent memory”—NPR), Waking Gods (“In a word: unputdownable.”—Kirkus Reviews), and Only Human (“Two [giant, robotic] thumbs up!”—Kirkus Reviews).
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Also by Sylvain Neuvel
Sleeping Giants
Waking Gods
Only Human
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Copyright Page
This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, organizations, and events portrayed in this novella are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.
THE TEST
Copyright © 2019 by Sylvain Neuvel
All rights reserved.
Cover design by Jonathan Gray
Edited by Lee Harris
A Tor.com Book
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ISBN 978-1-250-31282-2 (ebook)
ISBN 978-1-250-31283-9 (trade paperback)
First Edition: February 2019
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