Now here she was, drunk, wild, feverish, her flesh puddled, holding on desperately to a handsome boy young enough to be her son. Behind the bright glitter of her mascaraed eyes grew a dark terror.
If this woman could be defeated, this brave, free, indefatigable woman, what hope in life was there for Zoe Kohler? She was so much weaker than Madeline Kurnitz. She was timid and fearful. She was smaller. When giants were toppled, what chance was there for midgets?
They finished their hectic meal and Maddie threw bills to the waiter.
"The son of a bitch cut off my credit cards," she muttered.
She rose unsteadily to her feet and Jack slid an arm about her thick waist. She tottered, staring glassily at Zoe.
"You changing jobs, kiddo?" she asked.
"No, Maddie. I haven't even been looking. Why do you ask?"
"Dunno. Some guy called me a few days ago, said you had applied for a job and gave me as a reference. Wanted to know how long I had known you, what I knew about your private life, and all that bullshit."
"I don't understand. I haven't applied for any job."
"Ah, the hell with it. Probably some weirdo. I'll call you when I get back from paradise."
"Take care of yourself, Maddie."
"Fuck that. Jack's going to take care of me. Aren't you, lover boy?"
She watched them stagger out, Jack half-supporting the porcine woman. Zoe walked slowly back to her office, dread seeping in as she realized the implications of what Maddie had said.
Someone was making inquiries about her, about her personal history and private life. She knew who it was-that stretched, dour man labeled "police," who would not give up the search and would not be content until Zoe Kohler was dead and gone.
She slumped at her desk, skeleton hands folded. She stared at those shrunken claws. They looked as if they had been soaked in brine. She thought of her approaching menstrual period and wondered dully if blood could flow from such a desiccated corpus.
"Hello there!" Everett Pinckney said brightly, weaving before her desk. "Have a good lunch?"
"Very nice," Zoe said, trying to smile. "Is there something I can do for you, Mr. Pinckney?"
He beamed at her, making an obvious effort to focus his eyes and concentrate on what he wanted to say. He leaned forward, knuckles propped on her desk. She could smell his whiskey-tainted breath.
"Yes," he said. "Well, uh… Zoe, remember that tear gas I gave you? The spray can? The little one for your purse?"
"I remember."
"Well, have you got it with you? In your purse? In your desk?"
She stared at him.
"Silly thing," he went on. "A detective was around. He's investigating a burglary and has to check the serial numbers of all the cans sold in New York. I asked McMillan and Joe Levine to bring theirs in. You still have yours, don't you? Didn't squirt anyone with it, did you?" He giggled.
"I don't have it with me, Mr. Pinckney," she said slowly.
"Oh. It's home, is it?"
"Yes," she said, thinking sluggishly. "I have it at home."
"Well, bring it in, will you, please? By Friday? The detective is coming back. Once he checks the number, you can have the can again. No problem."
He smiled glassily and tottered into his own office.
Stronger now, it returned: the sense of being moved and manipulated. Events had escaped her power. They were pressing her back into her natural role of victim. She had lost all initiative; she was being controlled.
She thought wildly of what she might do. Claim an attack by a would-be rapist whom she had repulsed with tear gas? Defended herself against a vicious dog? But she had already told Mr. Pinckney she had the dispenser at home.
Finally, she decided miserably, she could do nothing but tell him she had lost or misplaced the container.
Not for a moment did she believe the detective's claim of investigating a burglary. He was investigating her, and what would happen when he was told Zoe Kohler had "lost or misplaced" her dispenser, she didn't wish to imagine. It was all so depressing she could not even wonder how they had traced the tear gas to her.
That evening, when she returned to her apartment, she did something completely irrational. She searched her apartment for the tear gas container, knowing she had disposed of it. The worst thing was that she knew she was acting irrationally but could not stop herself.
Of course she did not find the dispenser. But she found something else. Or rather, several things…
When she had placed Ernest Mittle's engagement ring far in the back of the dresser drawer, she had paused a moment to open the box and take a final look at the pretty stone. Then she had shoved the box away, but remembered very well that it opened to the front.
When she found it, the box was turned around in its hiding place. Now the hinge was to the front, the box opened from the rear.
When she had put away her nylon wigs, wrapped in tissue, the blond wig was on top, the black beneath. Now they were reversed.
The stacks of her pantyhose and lingerie had been disturbed. She always left them with their front edges neatly aligned. Now the piles showed they had been handled. They were not messy; they were neat. But not the way she had left them.
Perhaps someone less precise and finicky than Zoe Kohler would never have noticed. But she noticed, and was immediately convinced that someone had been in her apartment and had, searched through her possessions.
She went at once to her front window. Drawing the drape cautiously aside, she peeked out. She did not see the white-shirted watcher in the shadows of the apartment across the street. She did not see him, but was certain he was there.
She made no connection between the voyeur and the search of her personal belongings. She knew only that her privacy was once again being cruelly violated; people wanted to know her secrets. They would keep trying, and there was no way she could stop them.
When Ernest Mittle called, she made a determined effort to sound cheerful and loving. They chatted for a long time, and she kept asking questions about his job, his computer classes, his vacation plans-anything to keep him talking and hold the darkness back.
"Zoe," he said finally, "I don't, uh, want to pressure you or anything, but have you been thinking about it?"
It took her a moment to realize what he meant.
"Of course, I've been thinking about it, darling," she said. "Every minute."
"Well, I meant every word I said to you. And now I'm surer than ever in my own mind. This is what I want to do. I just don't want to live without you, Zoe."
"Ernie, you're the sweetest and most considerate man I've ever met. You're so considerate."
"Yes… well… uh… when do you think you'll decide? Soon?"
"Oh yes. Soon. Very soon."
"Listen," he said eagerly, "I have classes Friday night. I get out about eight-thirty or so. How's about my picking up a bottle of white wine and dropping by? I mean, it'll be Friday night and all, and we can talk and get squared away on our vacation. Okay?"
She didn't have the strength to object. Everyone was pushing her-even Ernie.
"Of course," she said dully. "Friday night?"
"About nine," he said happily. "See you then. Take care of yourself, dear."
"Yes," she said. "You, too."
He hung up and she sat there staring at the phone in her hand. Without questioning why, she called Dr. Oscar Stark. She got his answering service, of course. The operator asked if she'd care to leave a message.
"No," Zoe Kohler said, "no message."
She wandered into the kitchen. She opened the cabinet door. She stared at the rows and rows of pills, capsules, ampules, powders, medicines. They all seemed so foolish. Toys.
She closed the door without taking anything. Not even her cortisol. Not even a salt tablet. Nothing would make her a new woman. She was condemned to be her.
She thought vaguely that she should eat something, but just the idea of food roiled her stomach. She poured a glass of chilled vodka and took it into the living room.
She slouched on the couch, staring into the darkness. She tried to concentrate and feel the workings of her body. She felt only deep pain, a malaise that sapped her spirit and dulled her senses.