He set down the unicorn.
“It was nice to meet you Earl. You have a lovely home.”
Earl’s shoulders relaxed, no longer responding to the tension DJ had been broadcasting. “All right. Don’t you two get into any trouble now,” he said, and excused himself.
DJ slumped down next to Brittney on the bed, feeling drained. She gave him a moment before saying in a small voice, “thank you.”
“Brittney… you don’t ever have to thank me.”
She fidgeted a bit. “I really thought you were going to kill him.”
DJ nodded. “I think I was.”
“If you really read my whole journal, I guess I don’t need to ask why… but, why didn’t you?”
He turned to face her, this radiant angel whose wings he’d been plucking by the handful until there was almost nothing left. “You made me realize that I need to stop doing whatever I want over the objections of others. That I’m no better than him, that whatever I might’ve done to him, I deserve it too.”
“No, DJ—no. I… maybe I thought that, at one point, but you know that’s not true.”
“I am. What you said… no. What I did. I’m horrible. Emily was right. You were right.” He looked up at her, those big blue eyes locked on his. They were so earnest he could hardly bare it. “Thank you, for trying to do what you did. To keep people safe from me. I’m sorry I didn’t make it easier, but… I wanted to tell you that it’s over. It’s all over. You don’t have to touch me, hell you don’t have to look at me, not ever again.”
“DJ, what are you…”
“It’s OK, Brittney. I’m not mad. God, I’m so far from mad. Please don’t feel guilty for writing any of that—I’m so relieved you did. No. Not relieved, because now I know I’m the supreme asshole of the universe, but still, now I know. I came home from break feeling like I’d made a few mistakes and needed to make things right, but… I realize now I can never make it up to you what I did. In fact, I should start by leaving—you shouldn’t have to be in the same room with me. I’ll go now. I’m sorry. I…!”
He was cut off by Brittney’s lips against his. He’d forgotten how much he missed this, how comforted her kisses made him feel.
Then the lie of it came crashing in, and he pushed back, standing. “Brittney, no. I told you, I read the journal. I know you were just flirting to… protect people. You can stop now.”
She eyed him. “How much did you read, exactly?”
“Well, I felt bad invading your privacy. I mean, you were right, I only pushed you to write the thing so I could—and sorry about that, too, by the way—but I just read the first bit. Of both. The fake one was really hot, by the way.”
“Thanks,” she said, smiling oddly.
“And today when I read the real one, I got through the first bit and realized what I put you through… but you wrote about Earl enough that I looked for more…”
She kept her voice low, eyes on the door warily. “Oh yeah. My mom called that night and she had that tone in her voice where I could tell something bad happened. She never says anything to me, but I can tell sometimes. I just wanted to vent, but I don’t really talk to anyone about him. The journal was helpful for that.”
“I can’t believe he…” He looked darkly at the door. “Brittney, I’m not going to force you to do anything, not again, but you should let me help you and your mom get rid of him. I don’t mean hurt him,” he said, seeing her nervousness immediately return, “but at least get your mom a divorce, a restraining order.”
“I tried that once. He’s got money, DJ. He’s connected. Besides, my mom needs the money to get by.”
“I see. Still, I know a thing or two about convincing people to do things they don’t want to do.” He smiled weakly. “And I can get money for your mom, no problem.”
“You certainly can if you want, but, if you really value my feelings… I’d rather you not go stealing for us.”
“Brittney, there’s basically infinite money out there—plenty of it in the hands of people who haven’t done anything to deserve it. Just think on it—I know it’s not a purely victimless crime, but… compared to who’s being victimized now, it sounds pretty good to me.”
“Thank you,” Brittney said. “I’ll think about it.”
He shifted uncomfortably on his feet. “I guess… I guess that’s all I came for. To apologize—or start to, at least. And deal with… him.”
She looked up at him. “You really didn’t read the rest?”
“No. Believe it or not, some things still make even me feel guilty.”
“DJ… There’s more you should know. Only I don’t know if you’d believe me, and… some of it, I honestly don’t know if I could get the words out, face to face. Because of… you know.”
“It’s OK Brittney—I understand what I did was wrong. If you want me to have to hear it all, that’s fine, but you don’t have to, really.”
“Let’s go home, DJ. Then you can see it all, and then we can get to some nice, well-informed apologies. Or whatever you want to do then.”
“I won’t touch you, I promise.”
“We’ll see.”
Sure. Why would she take my word for it anyway.
Brittney finished packing and said goodbye to her mom and step-father, a hug and kiss on the cheek for each. DJ mumbled goodbyes, and Earl even shook his hand on the way out. He was loathe to touch the man, but then, he conceded privately that if Earl knew what DJ had done he’d probably feel the same way.
They didn’t talk much in the car; the two-hour drive passed in tense silence mitigated only by the radio. Brittney picked the station. When they got to the dorm, he took one of the few remaining parking spaces and insisted on carrying her bags. “How’s come you’re not taking your usual space?”
“The handicapped spot?” Those spots were almost never used, and he’d never seen all four of them taken at the same time, so he’d taken to parking there when it suited him. “I think I should leave those open. Just in case.”
She smiled thinly, and neither said a word on their way into the building. It was night-time now; Mercedes wasn’t in. He wondered if she was out sitting on Zack’s face. If he should feel better for some happiness coming of what he’d put her through, if it mitigated things at all. He set down the bags and stood by awkwardly as Brittney logged into her computer, loading up the document. He tried not to strain his eyes to read as she scrolled down, browsing for something.
“Read this,” she said, gesturing for him to sit beside her.
November 18th
I don’t even know any more. When this all started, all I wanted to do was try to do some “damage control” as they call it. It was well-intentioned. I felt like I was trying to do something good for other people.
Now, I feel more and more like I’m becoming someone that I hate. I’ve been throwing myself at a guy who’s in a relationship behind his girlfriend’s back. Not like DJ doesn’t sleep around, but that’s with her watching and knowing. That’s just meaningless stuff. I’m actually trying to ruin their relationship, and I always HATED girls who do that.
And I’m manipulating someone I care about. I know DJ has feelings for me. I can see it in his eyes when he looks at me. In the way he’s so tender with me. When he kisses me. He cares about me, and I’m just trying to trick him. Every time I see him, every time I touch him, I feel like I’m some kind of selfish skank, one of those girls who just uses her looks to take whatever she wants. I always swore I’d never be one of those girls, and the first time I really want a guy, here I go.