Charles" hugged his daughter against him as his chest threatened to explode. He closed his eyes in a futile attempt to muffle the sobs that racked his body from head to toe, and to hold back the tears that streamed down his cheeks.
___42.___
Alan
"When can we expect you?" Sylvia's voice said from the phone.
It was a sunny Monday morning and Alan longed to be with her. Now that his stay at the Foundation was nearly over, every extra minute here seemed like an eternity. He wished she were stretched out beside him on the bed right now.
"In a few hours," he said.
"In time for dinner?"
"I sure hope so. The food here isn't bad, but institutional food is institutional food. After dinner I'll see what I can do for Jeffy."
There was a pause on the other end, then: "Are you sure he'll be all right?"
"Can he be any worse?"
"Not much." Her voice suddenly brightened. "Anyway, it'll be nice to have a doctor around the house again."
"Not for long. I'll move into a motel and start getting the insurance straightened out on the house and get construction going on a new place."
"Alan Bulmer! You are staying here with me, and that's final!"
Her words warmed him. This was what he had wanted her to say, but he still felt compelled to put up a show of resistance.
"What will the neighbors say?"
"Who cares? What can either of us do to make our reputations any worse?"
"Good point, Mrs. Toad. I'll see you later." If I can remember how to get back to Monroe.
As Alan sat up on the bed and hung up, Axford walked into the room without knocking. He took three paces in from the doorway and stood there, staring at Alan. His face was pale and lined and haggard. He looked physically and emotionally exhausted.
"Her BUN is down to twenty-six," he said in a flat voice. "Her creatinine is down to two-point-seven. Both are still dropping. We spent most of the night running back and forth to the loo until about four a.m., when her sphincters started toning up and her bladder started stretching." His voice quavered and Alan could see the muscles of his throat working. "Her renal sonogram shows both kidneys have enlarged since her previous study, and a renal-flow scan shows normal function."
Alan was completely baffled. "Charles, is something wrong?"
He closed his eyes and took a deep, tremulous breath. He pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and wiped his eyes. Then he looked at Alan again.
"Whatever you want that I have or can get for you is yours. Just say the word. My right hand? I'll cut it off. My balls? Say the word."
Alan laughed. "Just get me out of here! And tell me what the hell you're talking about!"
Axford's eyes widened. "You really don't know?"
"Know what?"
"Oh, Christ! I—" He glanced over at the chair. "Can I sit down?"
Once he was seated, he faced Alan squarely and leaned forward. He seemed more in control of himself now and started to speak in low, measured tones.
Charles told Alan how he had cured Julie, Charles' daughter, of her chronic renal failure last night. And with each word Alan felt a terrible sick feeling grow within him, because he did not remember seeing Charles since yesterday afternoon, and didn't remember ever knowing that he had a daughter.
"All this leads to what I'm about to say, which is going to be tough for you to hear. But you've got to know and you've got to do something about it."
Charles paused, then said:
"You've got to stop using the Touch."
"What?"
"It could kill you."
Alan's mind whirled. How could something that healed kill him?
"I don't understand."
"That repeat PET scan you had this morning—it shows a significant increase in the nonfunctional areas of your brain."
"And you think there's a connection?"
"I'm sure of it. Look: You say your memory has deteriorated during the past few months. The Touch started a few months ago. Your baseline PET scan was abnormal and consistent with Alzheimer's. After a couple of days of not using the power, your PET scan improved and so did your mental function. Then you used the Touch last night and suddenly forgot that the Hour of Power coincides with high tide."
"It does?" It was news to Alan.
Charles ran a hand over his eyes. "This is worse than I thought. We discussed it Saturday, and again last night. I even showed you an EEG of yours that demonstrated it."
"Jeez." He felt sick.
"Right. Bloody damn Jeez. So with your short-term memory all shot to bloody hell, and your PET scan this morning significantly worse than yesterday morning's, there's only one conclusion I can come to. How about you?"
Alan sat in numb silence for a moment, then: "My brain's shutting down."
"Not by itself it isn't, mate. Bit by bit, a little piece of who you are and what you are gets eaten up by this power every time you use it."
"But you just said my second scan was better."
"Right. By not using the power, your brain function improved an infinitesimal degree. By using the power once— and remember it or not, you cured the most precious person in the world to me last night—you knocked out a grossly appreciable area of your brain."
Alan jumped to his feet and paced, his heart pounding, his stomach in a knot. He didn't want to believe what he had heard. "You're sure of this?"
"It's all there on the scans. It comes down to the ratio of a centimeter forward over a period of two days to a meter backward in an instant."
"But if I'm really careful, I can rest up, so to speak, and use the Touch judiciously." He was grasping at straws, he knew, but he was desperate. He kept thinking of the people who needed that power to live. He thought of Jeffy. He couldn't possibly say no after he had promised Sylvia.
"You ever play Russian roulette?"
"Of course not!"
"Well, it's the same thing. You've already damaged lots of nonvital parts of your brain. But what happens if you knock out the basal ganglia or the motor cortex, or the limbic system, or the respiratory center? Where does that leave you?"
Alan didn't reply. They both knew the answer: Parkinsonism, paralysis, psychosis, or death. Some choice.
"One more thing I should warn you about," Axford said. "Senator McCready will be expecting to have a meeting with you tonight."
"Tonight? Why tonight? I expect to be gone by then."
"He has myasthenia gravis, if you get my drift."
Alan got the drift. "Oh."
"Right. It's a decision you'll have to make when the time comes. But I wanted to be sure you knew all the risks."
"Thanks. I appreciate that." He smiled at a grim thought. "Maybe I should write all this down. I might not remember it an hour from now. But no matter what the risk, there's one person who's got to get a dose of the Touch."
"Who?"
"Jeffy."
Charles nodded. "That would be wonderful, wouldn't it?"
He stood up and thrust out his hand. "I'll send you a copy of my report. But in case I don't see you before you go, remember: You have a friend for life, Alan Bulmer."
When he was gone, Alan lay back on the bed and reviewed all Charles had told him. It still seemed clear to him. His retention seemed good at the moment. But knowing that there were pieces of his memory missing—maybe permanently—terrified him. For what was anyone but a sum of their memories? Where he had been, the things he had done, why he had done them: They all made him Alan Bulmer. Without them he was a cipher, a tabula rasa, a newborn.