I broke off, a little afraid of the expression on Zee’s face. Absolutely furious. Then she just left without another word, and I looked down the hill at Par and Sonn staring up at me, and wondered what to do.
After a lot of agonising I sent a channel request to Maze and told him very guiltily that I thought Zee was going to go kill Nils and that it was my fault. I can just picture Maze’s expression.
But he calmly contacted Nils and told him to head in Zee’s direction (because he’s not keen on having senior Setari arguments played out in front of an audience). He didn’t go after Zee himself, but instead came to see me and assured me that no matter how angry Zee might be about anything, she wasn’t likely to try and kill Nils. I think he also came to check to see if Zee had yelled me into a wibbling heap. Maze was very good at making it all into much less of a drama, and came down and distracted Par and Sonn during lunch so that they at least wouldn’t ask why I was all wide-eyed and blotchy.
The details of what Nils and Zee said to each other I don’t know. I haven’t seen either since because Maze told them both to take a week’s leave, and they did exactly that – by setting their status to do not disturb and going off on a camping trip together. Nils did open a channel to me briefly, but only said: "Just because Zee bullied you into that doesn’t mean you’re not getting spanked," and laughed and broke the connection. He sounded awesomely happy. Kaoren’s right about the senior squads being most changed: they’re all starting to move on with their lives.
I’m having to use all of my dubious moral fibre to not make a projection so I can see what Zee said to Nils.
Sunday, November 16
This day today
So it’s been one year today. I spent the afternoon writing a letter to Mum, in preparation for the realignment of the natural gate to Earth. The technicians think it’s going to open in the next couple of months, and I’m putting together a well-protected package to send, complete with nanotech-forged Australian stamps.
Along with the letter, I’ve had a number of photos printed up to include. They were a bit tricky, since I didn’t want to have anything undeniably alien in them, and I particularly didn’t want any pictures of me with fading yellow and green bruises down one side of my face, or a sling. Fortunately that’s all on the same side. One recent image showing me in profile, tickling Sen’s feet on the couch (Sen is fantastically ticklish and goes into spasms of delight), and I included a few older ones where my hair was still long (particularly one from when Kaoren, Sen and Rye fell asleep on the couch with me, and I’m looking down at Ys). The rest don’t have me at all. A shot of Ys and Lira practicing their synchronised scowling. First Squad. Our waterfall.
And I’m going to send Mum these diaries.
I’ve been keeping them up out of habit, rather than out of that need to talk that it helped with early on, and nothing could explain more clearly to Mum just why I’m staying. We’ll be together every time she reads them, and she too can come to love First Squad, and Kaoren, and four children who were alone and frightened, and are so happy to belong.
I’ll still have my log record of the diaries, so I can read them to Kaoren, and look back over how much everything has changed. At all the people I’ve been since I walked home from school. Survivor. Stray. Lab Rat. Caddy. Assignment. Love. Weapon. Spy. Celebrity. Maker of dragons. Machine component. Saver of worlds. Mum.
And, soon, uni student.
I’m hoping to beat Ys there, though she’s sure to go excel in sciences, while I’m thinking of a vague selection in the Arts: Literature. Mythology. Archaeology. Learning this world’s stories so that it continues to become mine, and then maybe bringing some of my world’s stories to Muina.
And one day I am going to figure out a way for the rest of my family to become Muinans as well. Till then, I hope words will cross galaxies for me.
Letter
Dear Mum (and Dad and Jules and Aunties and Nick and Alyssa and everyone)
I am here, not there, and that’s now a choice that I’ve made. I’m no longer trying to get home, because this has become home. I hate that it’s an either/or choice, and that there’s no way to visit. I miss so many things, but I’m happy here now, and unless I was sure I could get back here, I can’t risk even trying for a quick visit. I’m hoping for a yearly letter, at least.
I’m glad you had the chance to see Kaoren when you last saw me. He and I have been engaged nearly four months now. I think you might like him. The wedding’s scheduled for six weeks after my twentieth birthday. The long wait was initially because of legal requirements and is pretty meaningless, since we live together already, and are working on plans for getting a house built. And we have four children!
They’re orphans, and kind of adopted us, and we’re going through the process of formally adopting them in return. Ys is the oldest (we think). She, Lira and Rye are all around eleven. Sen is four. They’re really great kids, and far less bratty than I ever was. I’m not really Mum to them, but I feel very parental, and I think we’ve built up some trust. Fretting over them makes me want to hit myself for all the times I was a complete bitch to you.
It’s been a very dramatic year for me, on top of ending up here in the first place. I guess you could say I’ve been gainfully employed, and Kaoren and I are well settled for money, so I’m not having to stress about day-to-day stuff. It was very hard to adjust at first, particularly because I had to learn a new language, and I was just so outside everything. But some very nice people took me under their wing and it was a bit like gaining six older brothers and sisters, and I’ve developed an extended family of people who look out for me.
I’m hoping that one day it’ll be easier to get between here and there and it would be great if you could come here. I’ve enclosed a bunch of photos of me and the kids and some of the people who are important to me and the place where our house will be. I had to get my hair cut really short and hate it and hope it grows back quickly.
I love you. I should have said it a thousand times. Miss you always.
Always.
Cass.
The End
Glossary
Agowla - The (fictional) high school Cass attended in Sydney.
AI - Artificial Intelligence.
Arenrhon - Settlement at site of underground installation of the Lantarens.
Aspro - Aspirin. Headache relief.
Atanra - A facility constructed near to the Muinan rift into deep-space. The word means passage.
Authoritah - This is an indication that Cassandra has watched South Park, and not a typo.
Aversan - The old Muinan name for the platform town discovered in her month on Muina (initially called Goralath by the Tarens).