I don’t remember very much about the past couple of days, but through it all was threaded this horror that no-one would know. That Mum would never know. And, yeah, that I wouldn’t find out any of the explanations behind all this.
My family’s a healthy one. Colds occasionally, minor temperatures, chicken pox. I’ve never been to hospital. I needed one yesterday. I don’t know the name for what I had. I thought you caught colds or flu from other people, not just abruptly developed them. Whatever it was, I couldn’t breathe, could barely move. I don’t know what my temperature was, since I felt hot and cold at random, but I’m pretty sure I spent half my time hallucinating (unless there really were dragons and sea monsters spiralling across the ceiling).
Last night was another moonfall. The inside of the building glowed, and I could see the light misting past the windows. I couldn’t tell if it was exactly the same, since I couldn’t get up to go on the roof. I didn’t feel drunk either – I was so out of it I’m hardly sure it happened – but I remember feeling warm and relaxed and not having to fight so much to breathe.
Today I’m not exactly better, but most of the gunk clogging my lungs is gone, and the fever, and I’ve managed to get upstairs to the roof, and sit here and write this, even if it’s taken me half the day. Abandoned as it is, I’m so glad to have found this town. I feel vulnerable enough here. I wouldn’t have survived the last few days without solid shelter. I’m feeling very small at the moment, but so glad to be breathing.
All the effort making my felt blanket, and now it really really needs a wash.
Tuesday, December 11
Not entertaining
It doesn’t get light till past 10am on my watch now. And dark around midnight. Now that I’m breathing better, it seems to take forever for the night to end. All I’ve done so far today is lie on the roof watching the birds on the lake. I’m worried that I’ve hurt my eyes somehow, since random parts of the world are blurry and not quite focused.
I’m going to go down for a forage soon. If I feel stronger later, I might even try to clean my wool collection. Survivor Cass needs some time-consuming projects to keep her sane.
Not that the prospect of trying to relight my fire is anything to look forward to. That’s going to have to wait more than a few days – it just takes too much concerted energy to do, and I can’t even climb a flight of stairs without having to sit down.
Wednesday, December 12
It’s not paranoia if they really are watching you
I’m stronger today – woke up incredibly hungry, which made me realise how little I ate while I was ill. I’ve been getting a lot done this morning, just by stopping and resting every few minutes.
The idea of lighting the fire is still in the way-too-much category, but I’ve managed to clean out my room again, and washed my wool mound and blanket. The blanket didn’t like that, and has developed splits. Once it’s dry I’m going to have to be careful taking it back up to my room, or I’ll have felt strips instead.
While it dries I’m searching the nearest buildings. I’m increasing my collection of metal and pottery objects, though, and even have a few knives. They’re not very sharp, and the handles have all fallen to pieces, but I have a few ideas on how to fix that. In a few days I’ll have a go at making covers for the windows. I also want to make another blanket: if it wasn’t such a lot of work I’d make a mound of them. Though I suppose I’ll have plenty of time to try.
My eyes are still strained. Not everything is blurry, and not all the time, but I’m starting to wonder if I’ll end up needing glasses. That’s annoying, but I’m more bothered by a sense of being watched all the time. I’m forever feeling there’s someone standing just behind me, or trying to catch movement out of the corner of my eye.
It’s not the cats, or not so far as I can tell. There’s a few about, but they’ve never been very interested in me so long as I stay away from their amphitheatre. I’ve been taking a lot of interest in the birds, hoping they have some nests in convenient spots. After weeks living mainly on red pears and washews I’m really interested in the thought of eggs. I’m also going to experiment more with some of the other possible foods I’ve found – I’ve been a bit too scared after the vomiting day, but now I’m starting to wonder if missing out on some of the food groups was the reason I was so sick.
Today’s mantra
There are no black things
Creeping
In the corner of my eye
And
There are no claws
Glinting
In the shadow of that door
But
There’s nothing wrong with
Me
I’m just fine, I’m
Sane
Normal
Not seeing things.
Friday, December 14
Laying their plans
Mum has a CD of this old musical version of War of the Worlds. On that, the Martians make this incredible noise, this uulllllaaaaa howl which is so totally unnatural, not a noise anything on Earth would make.
I’m looking for tripods on the horizon.
The noise isn’t the one from the CD, of course, but it is super weird. A mournful wail so deep I feel it more in my bones than my ears. I’m sitting on the roof of my tower, listening, watching, but I can’t see where it’s coming from. It sounds like the hills are moaning.
Whatever it is, it’s big. Could even dinosaurs make a noise like this? After spending the last couple of days convinced that something’s been watching me, I was creeped out enough already. I wish tonight was a moonfall, or that I’d at least figured out a way to make a light for overnight. I’m not up for fire-lighting. I’m lying here with my pippin statue, pretending it’s company.
At this point, I can’t decide whether it would be better to be going nuts, or to really have things lurking around every corner, stalking me.
Mouse-like
Is there any difference between being eaten by a bear or a big cat and being eaten by a huge and spooky monster? The monster might even be quicker. You could say that the bear would be more natural I suppose – but that’s just familiarity. Bears and cats are the predators which are real to my world, but does it make a difference if the teeth belong to a dragon?
There might be monsters that kill you slowly, though. Or, if there is any kind of soul or afterlife, things which kill you wrong so that your soul is damaged as well.
So can you tell I spent the night obsessing over what was going to come galumphing up to kill me? For all that, it was a good night. The noise stopped when the sun went down, and everything felt lighter somehow. The feeling of being watched had gone, and then the animals came back. I hadn’t realised, but the more I felt I was being watched, the fewer animals I saw. Like they were all hiding, while I wandered stupidly around.
The town’s main population is all on the smaller side. Sometimes the grey terriers show up and chase things, or the deer or mondo elk wander through, but I don’t think they like staying here. It’s very open compared to the forest. Birds dive-bomb the little animals and it’s easy to see anything approaching if you’re high up. What bushes and trees there are aren’t so big and thick that anything large could go any distance without being spotted. If the Ming Cats hunt here, they do it at night.