Eddie awoke in some confusion, tried to rise, but failed dismally. He had been sleeping on his left side, with the result that his left arm and leg were now drunk, whilst the rest of him was sober.
“Out!” urged the driver, prodding Eddie once more.
Eddie tumbled from the car, fought his way into the vertical plane and then shambled in a most curious manner towards the fractured front doors of Old King Cole’s.
“Hurry up,” urged Bellis, “or I will be forced to arrest you on trumped-up charges and bang you away for an indefinite period.”
“I’m doing my best,” Eddie said.
And, “It wasn’t me,” said Jack. “Hi, Eddie.”
“Hello, Jack.” Eddie’s left leg gave way beneath him and Eddie sank down on his bum.
“I’m not impressed,” said Bellis. “Not impressed at all.”
“It wasn’t me,” Jack said once more, “in case you didn’t hear me the first time.”
Bellis did glarings at Jack and then dragged Eddie to his feet. “How many of you officers have been inside this building corrupting the crime scene?” he asked.
Numerous officers – all of the officers, in fact – made guilty faces. But one of them said, “We all had to go in, Chief – this mass-murderer put up quite a struggle.”
“Oh no I didn’t,” said Jack.
“Oh yes you did,” said officers all, laughing as they did so.
“Well, stay out now. Come on, you two.” Bellis dragged Eddie and prodded Jack.
“But sir,” said one of the burly policemen who had been guarding Jack, “this meathead is a mad’n, sir. He’ll do for you soon as give you a look.”
“Stand aside, you gormster.”
Now, it had to be said that at least the policemen had set up some lights, and the interior of Old King Cole’s was now well lit throughout.
And what with the devastation and the flashing of the police car warning lights, none of which had actually been switched off, it was a pretty impressive crime scene.
Eddie leaned his drunken parts against a fluted column and surveyed the wreckage. “The last time I was here,” he said, “was on the night I was elected mayor. Remember that, Jack? What a night that was, eh?”
“Silence,” said Bellis.
“Sorry,” said Eddie.
“I didn’t do it,” said Jack.
“Shut up,” said Bellis, and Jack shut up.
Chief Inspector Wellington Bellis puffed up his chest and then blew out a mighty breath. “Right,” said he, “we are all alone now. Examine the crime scene. Do whatever it is that you do. Find me clues. Go on, now.”
“Then I’m not under arrest for quadruple murder?”[14] said Jack.
“Did you do it?” asked Bellis.
“No,” said Jack.
“Then get to work.”
“Oh,” said Jack. “Eddie?”
Eddie shrugged. “Let’s go to work,” said he.
“Right,” said Jack, rubbing his palms together. “Well, already I deduce –”
“Jack,” said Eddie.
“Eddie?” said Jack.
“Jack, I am the detective. You’re my sidekick, remember?”
“I thought we were partners,” said Jack.
“Oh, we are,” Eddie said, “and in partnership you do what you do best and I do what I do best.”
“So what do I do best?” Jack asked.
“Well,” said Eddie, “you might start by trying to find three unbroken glasses and an unbroken bottle of something nice.”
“I never drink on duty,” said Bellis.
“Naturally not,” said Eddie. “The three glasses are for me – it’s thirsty work, this detective game.”
Bellis made a certain face. Eddie got to work.
Jack sought bottle and glasses. Bellis watched Eddie work. He watched as the little bear climbed carefully onto the stage, dropped carefully to his belly and did peerings all about. Did risings up and chin-cuppings with paws. Did standings back with head cocked on one side. Did pickings up of somethings and sniffings of same. Did careful steppings amidst broken footlight glass. Did clamberings up onto Dolly Dumpling and peepings here and there.
Presently Bellis tired of all this.
“What do you think?” he called to Eddie. “What do you think happened here?”
“Same as the monkeys,” said Eddie. “Their inside workings are gone. Nothing left but shells.”
“And Dolly Dumpling?” Bellis asked.
“Neck broken,” said Eddie. “One big twist. And that’s one big neck to twist.”
“Come on,” said Bellis. “I’ve freed your chum here. I picked you up in my car. I can put you in the frame for the cigar heist any time I wish. Give me something I can use. This is serious now.”
“Oh yes,” said Eddie. “It’s serious now that a meathead’s been murdered. Was it not serious before then?”
“I put you on the case,” said Bellis. “You know that I thought it was serious.”
“Quite so,” said Eddie. “Well, I’ll tell you what I have, although it isn’t much and it doesn’t make a lot of sense.”
Bellis said, “Go on.” And Eddie did so.
“Firstly,” said Eddie, “I have to ask Jack a question.”
Jack’s head popped up from behind the bar counter where he had been searching for glasses.
“You were here when this happened?” Eddie asked.
Jack nodded.
“Then how come you didn’t see it happen? I can tell by the way the broken footlight glass lies that the band members fell before the footlights blew. Surely everyone in this room saw the murders occur.”
Jack shook his head. “There was a really bright light,” he said. “It swallowed up the stage and Dolly screamed and her scream shattered all the glass.”
“Can you describe this bright light to me?”
“Yes,” said Jack. “It was a light and it was bright.”
“Would you like me to strike him about the head a bit?” Bellis asked Eddie.
“That won’t be necessary. I’ll do it myself later.”
“Oi!” said Jack.
Eddie grinned and said, “I’ll tell you what this crime scene tells me. Someone or something appeared upon this stage. It didn’t come up either of the side steps, nor did it come from backstage, nor did it spring up out of a trap door, because there is none. It simply appeared.”
“Things can’t simply appear,” said Bellis. “That defies all the rules of everything. Perhaps whatever it was came down from above.”
“It didn’t,” said Eddie. “It appeared, and with the aid of some kind of hideous weaponry it literally sucked out the inner workings of the band, their very substance.”
“But not those of Dolly Dumpling,” said Jack.
“It wasn’t after her,” said Eddie, “but she was close enough to see what happened, so she had to be silenced.”
“Things don’t just appear out of nowhere,” said Bellis.
“This did,” said Eddie. “I can see all the evidence. After the slaughter, when the lights were out, Jack came up onto this stage alone, holding a candelabra.”
“I did,” said Jack.
“And two burly constables came up afterwards, roughed Jack up a bit and pulled him from the stage.”
“They did,” said Jack.
“Sadly destroying vital evidence,” said Eddie.
Chief Inspector Wellington Bellis shook his head. “This is madness,” he said.
“If you have a better explanation,” Eddie said.
“Any explanation would be better than yours, which is no explanation at all.”
“Something has come amongst us,” said Eddie, “something evil, something different, the likes of which Toy City has never experienced before. Whatever did this is not of this world.”
“Right, that’s it,” said Bellis. “I’m just going to arrest the two of you and have done with it.”
“On what grounds?” Eddie protested. “You know we’re not responsible for any of this.”
“On the grounds,” said Bellis, “that if this were to get out, we’d have panic in the city.”
“No one will hear it from me,” said Eddie.
“Nor me,” said Jack. “Will they hear it from you, Chief Inspector?”
“No, they certainly will not.”
14
Clearly Tinto’s reference to quintuple murder at the end of the previous chapter must have something to do with his problem with numbers. Clearly!