“I am hurrying.” And Eddie was, his little legs pounding beneath him. And Jack now hefted his great big gun and flipped off the safety catch.
The spaceship, keeping pace with Eddie, burned up the hillside behind him. The gorse and briars and nettles and stuff took all to blazing away. A goodly fire was spreading now, fanning out to Eddie’s rear.
“Hurry!” cried Jack. And then he let rip. Let rip with the Mini-gun. The clockwork motion hurled projectiles through six revolving barrels. Barrels spat flame and bullets, bullets that tore tracer-like into the moonlit sky.
And the craft moved onward, bullets bouncing from its hull. And the light swept onward, raising fire in Eddie’s wake.
And the bear rushed onward, bound for his bestest friend.
“You’re a really bad spacecraft,” cried Jack, and he flung the Mini-gun aside and brought forth a grenade from his trenchcoat pocket. “Come on, Eddie, faster now,” and Jack pulled the pin and wondered how many seconds ’til Boom!
“Ow!” went Eddie. “Ouch!” And his heels took fire.
“One,” said Jack. “Two. How many? Ten, I suppose, so three, no, that would be four now, or maybe six, or seven, or … damn.”
And Jack hurled the grenade.
And it was a good hurl, but it fell short.
And a big chunk of hillside exploded.
And some of that hillside rained down upon Eddie.
“Don’t do that, Jack!” cried the bear.
Jack pulled out another grenade and once more pulled the pin.
“One, two, three, four,” Jack counted. “Hurry, Eddie, hurry, eight, nine, oh!” And Jack did another hurling and ducked his head as he did so. For the spacecraft was very near now, as indeed was Eddie.
“Quickly, Eddie.” And Jack snatched up the bear and ran very fast indeed.
And next there came an explosion, an explosion on high. And the spaceship swung about in the sky, flames roaring from its upper dome area. And then it began its plunging down, in Jack and Eddie’s direction.
“Oh no!” shouted Jack, and he ran and he leapt, a-clutching Eddie tight. And as the spaceship smashed down to the hillside with a mighty explosion, which far exceeded that of the falling chandelier and probably had the edge over even a car chase when it came to exciting spectacle, Jack leapt for his life, leapt with Eddie, up and through and beyond.
Jack leapt through The Second Big O.
And through and out and into nothing.
And down and down and down.
And Jack tumbled down.
And Eddie, too.
And down and down and down.
And, “Oooh!” cried Eddie.
And, “Ouch!” cried Jack.
And, “Ooooh!” and, “Ouch!” and, “Ow!”
And then all finally became still and silent and Jack lay upon grass, and so did Eddie, and moonlight fell down on them both.
“Are we still alive?” Eddie asked. “And this time I do mean us.”
“So it would seem.” Jack patted at his limbs. None, it appeared, were broken.
Eddie did flexings at his seams, and none, it seemed, were torn.
“And where are we?” And Eddie looked all about himself.
“We went through The Second Big O.”
“Oh no!”
“But we’re still alive, don’t knock it.”
“And we are …” Eddie felt at the ground. “We’re on grass, on a hillside.”
“Because we’re on the other side of the hill,” said Jack. “Which means that you had nothing to fear. I’d like to say, ‘I told you so,’ but as I didn’t it wouldn’t help much.”
“On grass,” said Eddie. “On grass.”
“On grass,” Jack said. “Just on the other side of the hill.”
“Well,” said Eddie, and Eddie rose, “I don’t know what you were making all the fuss about.”
“Me?” said Jack. “I was making all that fuss? Sorry?”
“I forgive you,” said Eddie.
“What?” said Jack.
“It doesn’t matter, forget it.”
Jack now climbed to his feet. He dusted down his trenchcoat, sniffed at his fingers and said, “Yuk!”
“You’ll want to get that trenchcoat cleaned,” said Eddie. “I know a good dry-cleaners. Although I’ve never understood how dry-cleaning works – do you know how it does?”
“Don’t change the subject, Eddie.”
“What subject would that be?”
Jack smiled down upon Eddie. “It doesn’t matter, Mister Bear. We’re both safe and that’s all that matters.”
“You certainly taught those space chickens something,” said Eddie. “Don’t mess with my bestest friend Jack. That’s what you taught them. Well done you.”
“It was a big explosion,” said Jack. “Actually, I’m quite surprised that a lot of flaming spaceship didn’t rain down upon us. Pretty lucky, eh?”
“Pretty damn lucky,” said Eddie. And looked all around and about. “And so this is it?” he said. “This is what I spent my whole life dreading? The land Beyond The Second Big O. And all it is is another hillside – not much of a big deal, eh, Jack?”
Jack didn’t answer Eddie. Jack was gazing back up the hillside. Up in the direction from which he and Eddie had tumbled down and down.
“Not much, eh, Jack?” said Eddie once again. “Eh, Jack?”
But Jack didn’t answer.
“Jack, are you listening to me?” asked Eddie.
And Jack stirred from his staring. “Eddie,” said Jack, “tell me this.”
“Tell you what?”
“Well, we plunged through The Second Big O, didn’t we?”
“We did.”
“The Second Big O in the remaining few letters of what once spelled out ‘TOYTOWNLAND’ and now just spell ‘TO TO LA’.”
“That we did,” said the bear.
“So, looking back,” said Jack, “at those big letters, we should see the reverse of ‘TO TO LA’. ‘AJ OT OT’, in fact.”
“Indeed,” said Eddie, “but I don’t know how you were able to pronounce that.”
“But that’s not what I’m seeing,” said Jack. “Those big letters on the hillside, they’re not spelling out ‘AJ OT OT’.”
“They’re not?” said Eddie.
“They’re not.”
“So what are they spelling?”
And Jack pointed upwards and Eddie looked up upwards and then Eddie said, “What does that mean?”
And Jack said slowly, “I don’t know what it means, but those letters spell out ‘HOLLYWOOD’.”
14
“Hollywood?” said Eddie Bear. “What does Hollywood mean?”
“Place name, I suppose,” said Jack, a-dusting at his trenchcoat. “This coat is going to need some serious cleaning.”
“Forget the coat!” And Eddie raised his paws. “We are in another world, Jack. This isn’t just the other side of the hill.”
“Seems so.” Jack stretched his shoulders and Jack also yawned, tiredness catching up with him. “But it looks pretty much like the world we just came from – there’s nothing scary here.”
Eddie Bear shuddered and shook his head. “There is something scary, I know it.”
“You don’t know it, Eddie. You’re just disorientated.” Jack sniffed at the air and Jack took off his trenchcoat. “It’s warmer here at least, which is nice.”
Eddie now also sniffed the air and with these sniffs he stiffened. “No, Jack,” he said. “Not nice, not nice at all.”
“You’ve picked up the scent again?”
“Not the scent, Jack. Not the scent.”
“Then what?”
Eddie gave the air another sniffing. “Meatheads, Jack,” he said, and there was fear in his growly voice.
“Men?” said Jack. “Nearby? Where?”
“Everywhere,” said Eddie Bear. “We’re in the world of the meatheads.”
Jack looked back at the Hollywood sign. “The world of the meatheads,” he said.
Now, for those who have an interest in such things as these, it is to be noted that …[20]
For those who do not have an interest in such things, it probably doesn’t matter.
“So what do you think we should do now?” Jack asked.
20
The Hollywood sign is probably the most famous sign in all of the world. It was erected in 1923 to advertise the housing development beneath it. The original letters, fifty feet high and thirty feet wide, spelled out ‘Hollywoodland’ and were lit up nightly by more than four thousand bulbs. With a chap living in a little hut behind the sign, whose job was to change them when they needed changing. Nice work if you can get it. In 1932 an aspiring young starlet named Peg Entwhistle threw herself off the H. Others followed her example, but to avoid the bad publicity their names went unpublished in the Los Angeles press. In 1939, the light-bulb chap was sacked, the sign fell into disrepair and all its light bulbs were stolen. But then in 1949, the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce restored the sign, knocking down the ‘land’ bit at the end. By 1978 it was all knackered again, so the Chamber of Commerce got a fund-raising campaign going, raised enough cash to completely restore the sign and have kept it looking smart ever since. With the aid of sponsorship from Hollywood stars. Apparently Alice Cooper sponsors The Second Big O.