“Bad things,” said Eddie. “That would be my guess.”
“Well, there have been some bad things, I grant you. But I will tell you what the beings from the world next door discover when they enter a new world. They discover that, but for a few subtle differences of belief and appearance, things are exactly the same. There are the many who toil and the privileged few who control their toiling and profit from their toil. This is a universal truth.”
“And so you and whoever or whatever you represent are going to do something about this injustice?” asked Eddie.
“You are seeking to be ironic, I suppose?”
“Very much so,” said Eddie.
“And not without good cause. It is not possible to change the status quo with anything less than force of arms. You tried, Eddie, when you were mayor. You tried to put your world to rights. And what came of your good intentions?”
“Bad things,” said Eddie, sadly. “Hence the loss of my hands.”
“Exactly. You tried, but you failed. But it was the fact that you were trying that drew our attention to you. One of our craft penetrated the world Beyond The Second Big O. To your side of it. And we observed your efforts. And we thought to ourselves, things could work out in this world. Things could be better. And so I was created, to replace you, so that smoothly and without incident I could be substituted for you and run your world for our own ends.”
“You thorough-going swine,” said Eddie. “And I mean that offensively, as some of my best friends are pigs.”
“But after all the effort of creating the perfect facsimile of you, what happened? As I was on the point of eliminating you in order to take your place, you made such a foul-up of being mayor, because in your naivety you thought that things could be changed in a nice way, that you were kicked out of office. Leaving me redundant.”
“Poor old you,” said Eddie.
“It was touch and go,” said his other self. “They were all for melting me down, me and the Jack they’d created to substitute for your Jack. But I had a plan.”
“I often have a plan,” said Eddie, sadly.
“Of course you do, which is one of the things I like about you – we have so much in common.” And the other Eddie patted Eddie on the shoulder.
And Eddie considered just how easy it would be to push him right off the flying disc.
But then there just might be a problem getting off that disc himself.
And there was the matter of the bears’ code of honour.
“So I came up with this plan,” said Eddie’s other self. “Why not clear out Toy City? It could become a decent environment, with a lick of paint and a bit of rebuilding. And what with the ever-expanding population of Chicken World –”
“Chicken World?” said Eddie. “There really is a Chicken World?”
“Of course. And one with no natural predators. And you would be surprised at just how many chickens a single rooster can, how shall I put this, ‘get through’ in a single day. The chickens are looking to expand – to your world, to this one. Once all the indigenous inhabitants have been, how shall I put this?”
“Murdered?” Eddie suggested.
“That’s probably the word. Or a least subdued. So I took an overview of the denizens of Toy City. In this world, the young, and indeed the old, just love toys. Especially special toys. Collectables. They just love them. And so, I thought, why not have the toys of Toy City work for us, to aid us in our plans for expansion.”
“You sick, and how shall I put this? Bastards!” said Eddie.
“Tut, tut, tut. It’s business – and survival, of course. Imagine, if you will, travelling to another world and discovering that its inhabitants feasted upon your kind. Bred them, slaughtered them and ate them. That is what the pilots of the first chicken craft, the one that crashed here in the desert near Roswell in nineteen forty-seven, discovered. One lone survivor was brought here to this establishment. Happily he was able to communicate, to make deals in order to ensure his survival. And when he offered an alternative to all the eating of his own kind that went on here, by demonstrating that it was possible, using advanced chicken technology, to mass-produce ersatz chickens and eggs at a fraction of the cost of real ones, the humans went for it. Fools that they are. And there you have it.”
“No,” said Eddie. “That’s not fair. I assume that you intend to have me killed. Am I correct in this assumption?”
The other Eddie shook his head.
“No?” said Eddie Bear.
“No,” said his other self. “You will die – and shortly, too – but not at my hands. Your kind cannot survive in this world. There is a certain, how shall I put this, magic to your kind. We remain unable to discover just how the kindly, lovable white-haired old Toymaker imbues toys with life. But toys cannot live here. Surely you noticed when you arrived here – your companion’s watch ceased to work, then his weaponry.”
“You saw that?”
“We see all. Remember, you and Jack were abducted and implanted with homing beacons up your bums. We’ve known where you were from the start. Jack’s watch soon failed, then his weaponry and then that calculating pocket of his –”
“Wallah,” said Eddie. “He nicked it from Tinto. I should have known. That’s how he figured out about the Opera House.”
“Wallah is dead and you will soon die,” said the other Eddie. “Sad but true. So I suppose it will do no harm to explain the rest. By channelling the very essence, the very soul-stuff of those toys, the monkeys, the band, the orchestra, and soon all of your kind, by drawing out their essence and funnelling it into free giveaways to promote the sale of our special chicken, we eliminate all competition. No real chickens will be eaten on this world again. And within one year, after the release of the movie, when the Golden Chicken chain goes global and every chicken that is eaten is one of our special chickens, this world will be ours.”
“I don’t quite follow how,” said Eddie.
“Because,” said Eddie’s other self, “our special chicken has rather special qualities. It is, for one thing, highly addictive. The more you eat, the more you want to eat. The population of this world will grow fatter and fatter and they will also grow more and more aggressive as we up the dosages of certain hormones. By the turn of the next century this country, so well known for its love of democracy and justice, will begin to invade Middle Eastern states. And here, the religion of this world, well, at least one of them, which prophesies something called Armageddon, will prove correct in its prophecy. The world of men will wipe itself out. There will be no more men. And then the chicken population, having already expanded into your world, will take over this one as well. There’s plenty of room here for a long time yet.”
“And when there isn’t?” Eddie asked.
“Then the chickens will continue onwards.”
“Well, bravo to the chickens,” said Eddie Bear.
“What?” said Eddie’s other self.
“I said, bravo. What else can I say? I suppose that whoever is at the top of, how shall I put this, the ‘food chain’ wins the race for survival. And why would I expect chickens to respect my kind? Men do not respect my kind. The men of Toy City, the P.P.P.s, have no respect for toys. Bravo the chickens, I say.”
“You are taking this very well, considering.”
“Considering what? That I am soon to die? I’m resigned to it now, I suppose. How long do I have, by the way?”
“A few hours, perhaps.”
“I thought so,” said Eddie. “I’ve been growing weirder ever since I got here. I’m not inside myself for much of the time. But then what can I say? I’ve had a good life, really, a long life, and I’ve done interesting things. Dying won’t be so bad. I suppose.”