"I have money." I returned to the bedroom, where I had put my coat and purse. As I was putting on my coat, Tim appeared from behind me, anxious to say something more.
"What Schiller saw in Wallenstein was a man who colluded with fate to bring on his own demise. This would be for the German Romantics the greatest sin of all, to collude with fate, fate regarded as doom. He followed me from the bedroom, down the hall. "The whole spirit of Goethe and Schiller and-the others, their whole orientation was that the human will could overcome fate. Fate would not be regarded as inevitable but as something a person allowed. Do you see my point? To the Greeks, fate was ananke, a force absolutely predetermined and impersonal; they equated it with Nemesis, which is retributive, punishing fate."
"I'm sorry," I said. "I have to go to the store."
"Aren't they bringing the pizza?"
"Kirsten's not feeling well."
Standing close to me and speaking in a low voice, Tim said, "Angel, I'm very concerned about her. I can't get her to go to a doctor. Her stomach-either that or her gall bladder. Maybe you can convince her to undergo a multiphasic. She's afraid of what they'll find. You know, don't you, that she had cervical cancer a number of years ago."
"Yes," I said.
"And a hysterocleisis."
"What is that?"
"A surgical procedure; the mouth of the uterus is closed.
She has so many anxieties in this area, that is, pertaining to this topic; it's impossible for me to discuss it with her."
"I'll talk to her," I said.
"Kirsten blames herself for Jeff's death."
"Shit," I said. "I was afraid of that."
Coming from the living room, Kirsten said to me, "Add ginger ale to the list I gave you. Please."
"Okay," I said. "Is the store-"
"Turn right," Kirsten said. "It's four blocks straight and then one block left. It's a Chinese- run little grocery store but they have what I want."
"Do you need any more cigarettes?" Tim said.
"Yes, you might pick up a carton," Kirsten said. "Any of the low-tar brands; they all taste the same."
"Okay," I said.
Opening the door for me, Tim said, "I'll drive you." The two of us made our way down the sidewalk to his rented car, but, as we stood, he discovered that he did not have the keys. "We'll have to walk," he said. So we walked together, saying nothing for a time.
"It's a nice night," I said finally.
"There's something I've been meaning to discuss with you, Tim said. "Although technically it's not within your province."
"I didn't know I had a province," I said.
"It's not an area of expertise for you. I'm not sure who I should talk to about it. These Zadokite Documents are in some respects-" He hesitated. "I would have to say distressing. To me personally, is what I mean. What the translators have come across is many of the Logia- the sayings-of Jesus predating Jesus by almost two hundred years."
"I realize that," I said.
"But that means," Tim said, "that he was not the Son of
God. Was not, in fact, God, as the Trinitarian doctrine requires us to believe. That may pose no problem for you, Angel."
"No, not really," I agreed.
"The Logia are essential to our understanding and apperception of Jesus as the Christ; that is, the Messiah or Anointed One. If, as would now seem to be the case, the Logia can be severed from the person Jesus, then we must reevaluate the four Gospels-not just the Synoptics but all four ... we must ask ourselves what, then, we indeed do know about Jesus, if indeed we know anything at all."
"Can't you just assume Jesus was a Zadokite?" I said. That was the impression I had gotten from the newspaper and magazine articles. Upon the discovery of the Qumran Scrolls, the Dead Sea Scrolls, there had been an enormous flurry of speculation that Jesus came from or was in some way connected with the Essenes. I saw no problem. I could not see what Tim was concerned about, as the two of us walked slowly along the sidewalk.
"There is a mysterious figure," Tim said, "mentioned in a number of the Zadokite Documents. He's referred to by a Hebrew word best translated as 'Expositor.' It is this shadowy personage to whom many of the Logia are attributed."
"Well, then Jesus learned from him, or anyhow they were derived from him," I said.
"But then Jesus is not the Son of God. He is not God Incarnate, God as a human being."
I said, "Maybe God revealed the Logia to the Expositor."
"But then the Expositor is the Son of God."
"Okay," I said.
"These are problems over which I've agonized-although that is rather a strong term. But it bothers me. And it should bother me. Here we have many of the parables related in the Gospels now extant in scrolls predating Jesus by two hundred years. Not all the Logia are represented, admittedly, but many are, many crucial ones. Certain cardinal doctrines of resurrection are also present, those being expressed in the well-known 'I am' utterances by Jesus. 'I am the bread of life.' 'I am the Way.' 'I am the narrow gate.' These simply cannot be separated from Jesus Christ. Just take that first one: 'I am the bread of life. Anyone who does eat my flesh and drink my blood has eternal life, and I shall raise him up on the last day. For my flesh is real food and my blood is real drink. He who eats my flesh and drinks my blood lives in me and I live in him.' Do you see my point?"
"Sure," I said. "The Zadokite Expositor said it first."
"Then the Zadokite Expositor conferred eternal life, and specifically through the Eucharist."
"I think that's wonderful," I said.
Tim said, "It was always the hope, but never the expectation, that we would someday unearth Q, or unearth something that would permit us to reconstruct Q, or parts of Q; but no one ever dreamed that an Ur-Quelle would manifest itself predating Jesus, and by two centuries. Also, there are peculiar other-" He paused. "I want to obtain your promise not to discuss what I'm going to say; not to talk about it with any one. This part hasn't been released to the media."
"May I die horribly."
"Associated with the 'I am' statements are certain very peculiar additions not found in the Gospels and apparently not known to the early Christians. At least, no written record of their knowing these things, believing these things, has passed down to us. I-" He broke off. "The term 'bread' and the term used for 'blood' suggest literal bread and literal blood. As if the Zadokites had a specific bread and a specific drink that they prepared and had that constituted in essence the body and blood of what they call the anokhi, for whom the Expositor spoke and whom the Expositor represented."
"Well," I said. I nodded.
"Where is this store?" Tim looked around.
"Another block or so," I said. "I guess."
Tim said earnestly, "Something they drank; something they ate. As in the Messianic banquet. It made them immortal, they believed; it gave them eternal life, this combination of what they ate and what they drank. Obviously, this prefigures the Eucharist. Obviously it's related to the Messianic banquet. Anokhi. Always that word. They ate anokhi and they drank anokhi and, as a result, they became anokhi. They became God Himself."
"Which is what Christianity teaches," I said, "regarding the Mass."
"There are parallels found in Zoroastrianism," Tim said. "The Zoroastrians sacrificed cattle and combined this with an intoxicating drink called haoma. But there is no reason to assume that this resulted in a homologizing with the Deity. That, you see, is what the Sacraments achieve for the Christian communicant: he-or she-is homologized to God as represented in and by Christ. Becomes God or becomes one with God, unified with, assimilated to, God. An apotheosis, is what I'm saying. But here, with the Zadokites, you get precisely this with the bread and the drink derived from anokhi, and of course the term 'anokhi' itself refers to the Pure Self-Awareness, which is to say, Pure Consciousness of Yahweh, the God of the Hebrew people."