"I have no faith in the reality of Christ," he informed us. "None whatsoever. I cannot in good conscience go on preaching the kerygma of the New Testament. Every time I get up in front of my congregation, I feel that I am deceiving them."
"You told Bill Lundborg that night that Christ's reality is proven by Jeff coming back," I said.
"It's not," Tim said. "It fails to. I have exhaustively scrutinized the situation and it fails to."
"What does it prove, then?" Kirsten said.
"Life after death," Tim said. "But not the reality of Christ. Jesus was a teacher whose teachings were not even original. I have the name of a medium, a Dr. Garret living in Santa Barbara. I will be flying down there to consult him, to try to talk to Jeff. Mr. Mason recommends him." He examined a slip of paper. "Oh," he said. "Dr. Garret is a woman. Rachel Garret. Hmmm ... I was certain it was a man." He asked if the two of us wished to accompany him to Santa Barbara. It was his intention (he explained) to ask Jeff about Christ. Jeff could tell him, through the medium, Dr. Rachel Garret, if Christ were real or not, genuinely the Son of God and all the rest of that stuff that the churches teach. This would be an important trip; Tim's decision as to whether to resign his post as bishop hinged on this.
Moreover, Tim's faith was involved. He had spent decades rising within the Episcopal Church, but now he seriously doubted whether Christianity was valid. That was Tim's term: "valid." It struck me as a weak and trendy term, falling tragically short of the magnitude of the forces contending within Tim's heart and mind. However, it was the term he used; he spoke in a calm manner, devoid of any hysterical overtones. It was as if he were planning whether or not to buy a suit of clothes.
"Christ," he said, "is a role, not a person. It-the word-is a mistransliteration from the Hebrew 'Messiah,' which literally means the Anointed One, which is to say the Chosen One. The Messiah, of course, comes at the end of the world and ushers in the Age of Gold which replaces the Age of Iron, the age we now live in. This finds its most beautiful expression in the Fourth Eclogue of Virgil. Let me see ... I have it here." He went to his books as he always did in time of gravity.
"We don't need to hear Virgil," Kirsten said in a biting tone.
"Here it is," Tim said, oblivious to her.
" 'Ultima Cumaei venit iam carminis aetas; magnus-' "
"That's enough," Kirsten said sharply. He glanced at her, puzzled.
Kirsten said, "I think it's insanely foolish and selfish of you to resign as bishop."
"Let me translate the eclogue for you, at least," Tim said. "Then you'll understand better."
"I understand that you're destroying your life and mine," Kirsten said. "What about me?"
He shook his head. "I'll be hired on at the Foundation for Free Institutions."
"What the hell is that?" Kirsten said.
"It's a think tank," I said. "In Santa Barbara."
"Then you're going to be talking with them while you're down there?" Kirsten said.
"Yes." He nodded. "I have an appointment with Pomeroy, who's in charge of it-Felton Pomeroy. I'd be their Consultant in Theological Matters."
"They're very highly thought of," I said.
Kirsten gave me a look that would have withered trees.
"There's been nothing decided," Tim said. "We are going to see Rachel Garret anyhow ... I see no reason why I shouldn't combine the two in a single trip. That way, I'll have to fly down there only once."
"I'm supposed to set up your appointments," Kirsten said.
"Actually," Tim said, "this will be a purely informal discussion. We'll have lunch ... I'll meet the other consultants. I'll see their buildings and gardens. They have very lovely gardens. I saw the Foundation's gardens several years ago and still remember them." To me he said, "You'll love them, Angel. Every kind of rose is represented, especially Peace. All the five-star patented roses are there, or however it is roses are rated. May I read the two of you the translation of Virgil's eclogue?
"'Now comes the final age announced in the Cumaen Sibyl's chant; the great succession of epochs is born anew. Now the Virgin returns, the reign of Saturn returns; now a new race descends from heaven on high. O chaste Lucina, goddess of births! smile upon the boy just born, in whose time the race of iron shall first cease, and a race of gold shall arise throughout the world.
Thine own Apollo is now king.' "
Kirsten and I looked at each other. I saw Kirsten's lips move but I heard no sound. Heaven only knows what she was saying and thinking at that moment, as she witnessed Tim shoot down his career and life out of conviction-more properly, lack of conviction: faith in the Savior.
The problem for Kirsten was, simply, that she could not see the problem. To her, Tim's dilemma was a phantom dilemma, manufactured for bookish reasons. According to her reasoning, he had the option to shed the problem any time he saw fit; her analysis was, simply, that Tim had become restive in his job as bishop and wanted to move on; asserting a loss of faith in Christ was his way of justifying his career move. Since it was a stupid career move, she did not approve. After all, she gained so very much from his status; as she had said, Tim was not thinking about her: he thought only of himself.
"Dr. Garret is highly recommended," Tim said, almost in a plaintive voice, as if appealing to one or the other of us for support.
"Tim," I said, "I really think-"
"You think with your crotch," Kirsten said.
"What?" I said.
"You heard me. I know about your little conversations, that you two have, after I go to bed. When you're alone. And I know you've been meeting."
"Meeting what?" I said.
"Each other."
"Christ," I said.
"'Christ,"' Kirsten echoed. "Always Christ. Always the summoning of the Almighty Son of God to justify your selfishness and what you're up to. I find it disgusting; I find both of you disgusting." To Tim she said, "I know you visited her goddamn record store last week."
"To buy an album," Tim said. "Of Fidelio."
"You could have gotten it here in the City," Kirsten said.
"Or I could have picked it up for you."
Tim said, "I wanted to see what she had-
"She doesn't have anything I don't have," Kirsten said. "The Missa Solemnis," Tim said faintly; he seemed dazed; appealing to me, he said, "Can you reason with her?"
"I can reason with myself," Kirsten said. "I can reason out exactly what's going on."
"You better knock off taking those downers, Kirsten," I said.
"And you better stop turning on five times a day." Her look carried such furious hate that I could not credit my senses. "You smoke enough grass to-" She broke off. "More than the San Francisco Police Department uses in a month. I'm sorry; I'm not feeling well. Excuse me." She walked into the bedroom; the door shut silently after her. We could hear her stirring around. Then we heard her go into the bathroom; water ran: she was taking a pill, probably a barbiturate.
To Tim, who stood inert and amazed, I said, "Barbiturates cause that kind of personality change. It's the pills talking, not her."
"I think-" He rallied. "I really want to fly down to Santa
Barbara and see Dr. Garret. Do you think it's the fact that she's a woman?"
"Kirsten?" I said. "Or Garret?"
"Garret. I could swear it was a man; I just now noticed the first name. I may have gotten it wrong. Maybe that's what's upsetting her. She'll calm down. We'll go together. Dr. Mason said that Dr. Garret is elderly and infirm and semiretired, so she won't pose any threat to Kirsten, once she sees her."
To change the subject, I said, "Did you play the Missa Solemnis that I sold you?"
"No," Tim said vaguely. "I haven't had time."