"What did the note say?"
"The part I destroyed? I don't remember. It's gone. It had to do with us, her feelings about me. I had no choice."
"Guess so," I said.
"As to it being suicide, there is no doubt. And the motive is, of course, her fear that she had cancer again. And they're aware that she was a barbiturate addict."
"Would you describe her that way?" I said. "An addict?"
"Certainly. That's not disputed."
"How long have you known?"
"Since I met her. Since I first saw her taking them. You knew."
"Yes," I said. "I knew."
"Sit down and have some coffee," Tim said. He left the living room for the kitchen; automatically, I seated myself on the familiar couch, wondering if any cigarettes could be found anywhere in the apartment.
"What do you take in your coffee?" Tim stood at the kitchen doorway.
"I forget," I said. "It doesn't matter."
"Would you rather have a drink?"
"No." I shook my head.
"Do you realize," Tim said, "that this proves Rachel Garret right."
"I know," I said.
"Jeff wanted to warn her. Warn Kirsten."
"So it would seem."
"And I'm going to die next."
I glanced up.
"That's what Jeff said," Tim said.
"Guess so," I said.
"It will be a terrible fight but I will win. I am not going to follow them, follow Jeff and Kirsten." His tone rang with harshness, with indignation. "This is what Christ came to the world to save man from, this sort of determinism, this rule. The future can be changed."
"I hope so," I said.
"My hope is in Jesus Christ," Tim said. "'While you still have the light, believe in the light and you will become sons of light.' John, twelve, thirty-six. 'Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God still, and trust in me.' John, fourteen, one. 'Blessings on him who comes in the name of the Lord!' Matthew, twenty-three, thirty-nine." Breathing heavily, his great chest rising and falling, Tim, gazing at me, pointed at me saying, "I'm not going that way, Angel. Each of them did it intentionally, but I will never do it; I will never go like that, like a sheep to slaughter."
Thank God, I thought. You are going to fight.
"Prophecy or no prophecy," Tim said. "Even if Rachel were the sibyl herself-even then I wouldn't walk toward it willingly, like a dumb animal, to have my throat cut, to be offered up." His eyes blazed, hot with intensity and fire. I had seen him this way sometimes at Grace Cathedral when he preached; this Tim Archer spoke with the authority vested in him by the Apostle Peter himself: through the line of apostolic succession, unbroken in and for the Episcopal Church.
As we drove to Grace Cathedral in my Honda, Tim said to me, "I see myself falling into Wallenstein's fate. Catering to astrology. Casting horoscopes."
"You mean Dr. Garret," I said.
"Yes, I mean her and Dr. Mason; they're not doctors of any kind. That wasn't Jeff. He never came back from the next world. There is no truth in it. Stupidity, as that poor boy said; her son. Oh Lord; I haven't called her son."
I said, "I'll tell him."
"It will finish him off," Tim said. "No, maybe it won't. He may be stronger than we give him credit for. He could see through all that nonsense about Jeff coming back."
"You get to tell the truth," I said, "when you're schizophrenic."
"Then more people should be schizophrenic. What is this, a matter of the emperor's new clothes? You knew, too, but you didn't say."
I said, "It's not a matter of knowing. It has to do with evaluation."
"But you never believed it."
After a pause, I said, "I'm not sure."
"Kirsten is dead," Tim said, "because we believed in nonsense. Both of us. And we believed because we wanted to believe. I have not that motive now."
"Guess not."
"If we had ruthlessly faced the truth, Kirsten would be alive now. All I can hope is to put an end to it here and now ... and accompany her at some later date. Garret and Mason could see that Kirsten was sick. They took advantage of a sick, disturbed woman and now she's dead. I hold them responsible." He paused and then said, "I had been attempting to get Kirsten to go into the hospital for drug detox. I have several friends who're in that field, here in San Francisco. I was well aware of her addiction and I knew that only professionals could help her. I had to go through this myself, as you know ... with alcohol."
I said nothing; I merely drove.
"It's too late to stop the book," Tim said. "Couldn't you phone your editor and-"
"The book is their property now."
I said, "They're a totally reputable publishing house. They would listen to you if you instructed them to withdraw the book."
"They've sent out promotional prepublication material. They've circulated bound galleys and Xerox copies of the manuscript. What I'll do-" Tim pondered. "I'll write another book. That tells about Kirsten's death and my reevaluation of the occult. That's the best avenue for me to pursue."
"I think you should withdraw Here, Tyrant Death."
His mind, however, had been made up; he shook his head vigorously. "No; it should be allowed to come out as planned. I've had years of experience with these matters; you should face up to your own folly-my own, I am referring to, of course-and then, after you've faced up to it, set about correcting it. My next book will be that correction."
"How much was the advance?"
Glancing swiftly at me, Tim said, "Not much, considering its sales potential. Ten thousand on my signing the contract; then another ten thousand when I delivered the completed manuscript to them. And there will be a final ten thousand when the book is released."
"Thirty thousand dollars is a lot of money."
Half to himself, reflecting, Tim said, "I think I'll add a dedication to it. A dedication to Kirsten. In memoriam. And say a few things about my feeling for her."
"You could dedicate it to both of them," I said. "Both Jeff and Kirsten. And say, 'But for the grace of God-' "
"Very appropriate," Tim said.
"Add me and Bill," I said. "While you're at it. We're part of this movie."
" 'Movie'?"
"A Berkeley expression. Only it's not a movie; it's the opera Wozzeck by Alban Berg. They all die except the little boy riding his wooden horse."
"I'll have to phone in the dedication," Tim said. "The galleys are already back in New York, corrected."
"She finished, then? Her job?"
"Yes," he said, vaguely.
"Did she do it right? After all, she wasn't feeling too well."
"I assume she did it correctly; I didn't look them over."
"You're going to have a Mass said for her, aren't you?" I said. "At Grace?"
"Oh, yes. That's one of the reasons I'm-"
"I think you should get Kiss," I said. "It's a group, a very highly thought of rock group. After all, you had been planning a rock mass anyhow."
"Did she like Kiss?"
"Second only to Sha Na Na," I said.
"Then we should get Sha Na Na," Tim said. We drove for a time in silence.
"The Patti Smith Group," I said suddenly.
"Let me ask you," Tim said, "about several things regarding Kirsten."
"I am here to answer any question," I said.
"At the service, I want to read poems that she loved. Can you give me the names of a few?" He got from his coat pocket a notebook and gold pen; holding them, he waited.
"There is a very beautiful poem about a snake," I said, "by D. H. Lawrence. She loved it. Don't ask me to quote it; I can't quote it just now. I'm sorry." I shut my eyes, trying not to cry.
12
AT THE SERVICE, Bishop Timothy Archer read the D. H. Lawrence poem about the snake; he read it wonderfully and I saw how moved the people were, although not many mourners had shown up. Not that many people knew Kirsten Lundborg. I kept seeking to locate her son Bill somewhere in the cathedral.