He thought I was sexy.
"I want to hear everything about you, all the time," Noel said. "Hooters--or whatever."
"You do?"
"I really do," he said.
I felt so dizzy-happy that he told me this, though I knew I shouldn't even be there with him, though I knew Nora would be mad, though I knew there were so many things wrong about all of it.
Because I wanted to hear everything about him all the time too.
It all rushed over me, the happiness and the guilt and the confusion. I put my hand out to steady myself on the counter, and as I did, Noel leaned into me and put his lips on mine.
He didn't ask if he could kiss me, the way he had last time.
He just did it, so I couldn't say no.
His mouth was so soft, much softer than anyone else I'd ever kissed, and as I put my arm up to touch his neck he seemed frail, underweight, vulnerable. And yet also, a little bossy. I mean, he had just decided to kiss me, when he knew I'd said no for good reasons before, but he was not taking no for an answer this time.
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I pulled away, in what I fully admit was a lame attempt to protest, and Noel pushed his whole body against mine as I leaned back against the art table.
Then there was nothing to do but kiss him some more.
He wrapped his arms around me like he was hugging me, not trying to cop a feel or whatever, and I just surrendered to the dizziness and kissed him, with all the tension draining out of me. Forty weeks of Noboyfriend and all my anger about Ariel and all my guilt about Nora and confusion about Jackson and Gideon, all my Rabbit Fever and everything-just washed out.
I was happy.
Noel pulled back. "That's what I wanted to say, actually," he breathed.
"I didn't quite hear you," I told him. "I think you need to say it again."
So he did, and we were kissing and the world was spinning-and then the door to the art studio opened and Ariel Olivieri was staring at us.
Ariel.
My dizziness left me abruptly and the art room seemed sordid.
I had been kissing Noel.
Whom I had resolved not to kiss.
Whom I had promised not to kiss.
Whom Ariel had kissed.
Ag.
Ariel would be furious, of course. Then she'd tell Kim and Cricket. Kim and Cricket would tell Nora.
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I would lose all my friends.
I deserved to lose all my friends.
He was off-limits; I had said so myself.
Ariel turned and slammed the door behind her, and I hate myself even more for what I did next: I took off my glasses and kissed Noel again. And again, and again. It was like the Rabbit Fever took over and I couldn't help it. I felt bad while I was doing it, but I also felt fantastic. I had been wanting to kiss him for so long, and he wanted to kiss me, and the room spun again and the sordidness disappeared and it was just him and me, together. I jumped up to sit on the table and wrapped my legs around him and blocked out everything else but the feel of his body against mine.
It was even better than retro metal.
***
I spent the rest of the day experiencing delicious jolts of happiness alternating with long periods of self-loathing. Noel was crazy about me! And I was crazy about . Noel.
I was a bad friend.
My love life was sorted out, I had left the state of Noboyfriend, he would call me tonight like he said he would and we'd go to the movies and there would be more kissing and everything would be wonderful.
No. That couldn't happen. I was a crazy leg-wrapping slut who kept on making out with a guy even when I'd told my closest friend I wouldn't steal him.
Noel was crazy about me!
I was afraid of running into Nora, even though we had
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no afternoon classes together, so I hid out in the library. But then I had a panic attack. Full-on. Couldn't breathe.
I went into the bathroom and was kneeling on the tile floor, trying to slow my heart. I found myself wishing with all my soul that Doctor Z would give me a diagnosis of panic disorder so I could get some pills that would straighten me out. Life would be so much easier, so much better, if I could just pop a little green pill each morning that would make me act like a normal person. Normal, like I'd have consideration for the feelings of others, sound judgment and healthy friendships. Normal, like I wouldn't be so selfish and slutty. Then maybe I could also have a purple pill to calm me down when I felt panicky, something that would short-circuit my brain? That way I wouldn't have to sit on the floor of the bathroom holding a damp paper towel and crying because I couldn't breathe.
Maybe I could talk Doctor Z into a prescription. Medication would make all of this go away.
Then I got scared of myself for wishing such a thing. Not that medication is bad if you need it, but wishing for it to solve all your problems? That's the attitude that makes people start drinking at two in the afternoon and then they wind up a sick alcoholic like my uncle Hanson.
I leaned against the cold door of one of the bathroom stalls and tried to get my breathing under control, but tears were running down my face. I wanted Noel. I had always wanted Noel.
Now I wasn't going to get to have him.
Or if I did get to have him, I'd lose Nora and Meghan.
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I was a backstabbing slut and I wanted pills and I'd lost my zoo job and Ariel was going to make everyone hate me and why couldn't I disappear out of the Tate Universe and never see any of these people ever again?
Couldn't I move to Australia and commune with koala bears?
No, I had SATs in a month. And I had History of Europe starting now. There was going to be a quiz on Friday.
I ran the cold water and splashed my face. Blew my nose repeatedly and got myself into some kind of shape to reenter society. Though to be honest, my nose and lips were still completely swollen from the crying, I had no eye make-up on anymore, and I was not at my most attractive.
I left the bathroom and headed to the library doors, my eyes on the floor.
"Whoa, Roo, what's wrong?" someone said.
Jackson, heading in with a book tucked under his arm. I was next to him before I even saw him.
"Nothing's wrong. I'm fine." We were standing in front of the circulation desk.
He squinted at me. "You look upset."
I shook my head.
Jackson reached out and touched my cheek with his spare hand. "Come on. I can tell you've been crying."
I shook my head again, and tears spilled silently across my cheeks.
"What happened?" Jackson set his book on the floor
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and hugged me, his puffy parka soft and comforting, like a pillow.
It felt so familiar and so strange at the same time. I had a rush of déjà vu, because of course I'd hugged Jackson more than I'd hugged anyone else on the planet in the last six years.
"You don't have to tell me what's wrong," Jackson said. "But you're crying. I'm not going to let you tell me you're fine."
I turned my head because I was scared I would get snot on his jacket. It felt good that he cared.
I don't know how long we stood there, but eventually he pulled away from the hug, patted me on the back.
"I'm okay," I said. "Really."
"You sure?"
I nodded.
"You sure sure?"
"Yeah."
"Okay, then." Jackson bent to pick up his book. "Feel better."
Then he headed for the stacks and was gone. I had wished on the magic cookie for all the badness between us to disappear, and now, maybe, it had.
***
When I got home that afternoon I took the cordless into my room and called Noel.
"I can't go to the movies tonight," I told him. "Why not?" he asked.
"Noel, I'm so sorry, but I can't go anywhere with you.
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Today was..." I didn't have the words. "Today was, it was ... I think it was a mistake."
"Why?"
I started babbling on about the thousand reasons not to kiss him, and how I liked him but I couldn't betray my friend Nora and did he realize Nora liked him too? Because it was probably obvious, but I wasn't supposed to tell, and here I was betraying her again by telling but I wanted to be a good friend to her.