3.I also wouldn't magically become friends again with Kim and Nora. Both of them would actually hate me even more than they already did, and Cricket, Katarina, Ariel and Heidi would do the same, just to keep the others company.
4. Jackson asked me to Spring Fling because he felt jealous of me kissing Noel in the art studio. He and Noel had never liked each other. They were competitive on the cross-country team. Part of this sounded like a territory battle between the two of them, not anything really about me.
5. Fact: Jackson was the guy who idealized what he didn't have. The fish that got away. The road not taken. The grass on the other side of the fence.
6. Fact: Jackson cheated on Kim when she was in Tokyo.
7. Probability: Jackson cheated on me with Kim.
213
8. Fact: It is a bad idea to date a known cheater, because even if he doesn't cheat on you, you will always know he's capable of it and will never fully trust him. Then you will become even more insecure and neurotic than you already are.
9. Fact: If I went to Spring Fling with Jackson, Noel would write me off forever.
If he hadn't already.
But if I wanted Jackson, I argued with myself, if he was at the center of my treasure map, shouldn't I just take him, now that I could suddenly have him?
Sure, it wouldn't solve everything.
Sure, it would cause more angst in some ways. But wouldn't I have love? For a little while, at least?
And wasn't that something?
These ideas sped through my mind in a tremendous rush, but as Jackson took his hand off my leg and reached to touch my hair, I told him, "No. I'm sorry. I can't."
Oh.
That wasn't what I thought I was going to say.
Most of me was leaning toward saying yes and going to the dance and having love.
But out it came: "No. I'm sorry. I can't."
Jackson pulled back. Surprised. "Oh. Okay."
"I just-I don't want to get involved with you, Jackson," I said, the words tumbling out. "You're a nice guy, but then, when it comes down to it--you're not, really."
"Not what?"
"Not nice."
"That's not true."
214
"I think it might be," I said.
"Look." Jackson leaned back in his chair. "I know I've done some stupid things in the past. I know I wasn't the best boyfriend to you--or to anyone. But I was confused. I was confused for a long time. And I think I've finally figured out what I need."
"What you need?"
"You." He set his chair legs on the floor and leaned toward me again. "That's why I've logged all this time at your bake sale table."
I shook my head. "You needed somewhere to operate the Handicap."
"Please," he laughed. "I could operate it in the refectory easier than anyplace else. I was trying to get near you again and I needed an excuse."
Oh. "But why?"
"You're not like Kim," he answered after a beat. "She's so controlling and insecure. Most girls are. But you, you don't care what people think. You have so much self-confidence. Plus, you're beautiful, and we were good together, Roo. You know we were."
Everything he said sounded wonderful, but it wasn't true. I was desperately insecure and I did care what people thought. Jackson wasn't really talking about me. He was talking about an idea of me he'd concocted in his head. As soon as he remembered me and my true weaknesses in the clear light of day, he'd be as cruel this time as he had been the last.
"So will you think about it?" Jackson asked, stroking my hair.
215
I stood and shook his hand off. "I don't need to think about it," I said-although part of me was still screaming Think about it! Think about it! "You turned into a pod-robot. Not even Cricket turned into a pod-robot. At least she was mean to me. At least she had feelings. You were just completely cold, as if we'd never even known each other. As if nothing had ever happened between us. I don't want to be with anyone who could act like that."
"I'm sorry," he said sarcastically. 'Just because I don't show my feelings to the whole Tate Universe, all the time every day, doesn't mean I don't have them."
"I'm sure you have feelings, Jackson," I told him. "I just don't think they're very deep."
"Fuck you."
"See?" I said. "That's exactly the person I don't want to be with. And he's always there, underneath all your charm."
"If that's what you think," he said, "I don't need to be here." He shoved his notebook into his backpack, slung the bag over his shoulder, grabbed a molten chocolate cake without paying for it--and walked off without a word.
I did not have a panic attack.
I didn't even have trouble breathing.
I sat at the Baby CHuBS table until people came streaming out of the auditorium, and then I sold deliciousness until we had five hundred and seventeen dollars to donate to Happy Paws.
216
19.
I Reveal the Treasure Map
Dear Robespierre,
How have you been?
I have been completely rotten and I miss scratching you behind your ears.
We have a dog now: a Great Dane called Polka-dot. He is an idiot, but his heart is in the right place and his ears want scratching. I think the two of you would get on together well. You're both inclined to eat things you aren't supposed to eat. (Do you long for the sleeve of my green hoodie?)
Anyway: I was wondering, Robespierre, do you ever get in fights with Kaczynski over the lady goats? Like, if you want to be with Mata Hari, and so does he, do you butt your heads in fury? Or does one of you back down and let the other one win?
217
How do you work it out? Because I know you all have to live together in the indoor pen at night when the zoo is closed. Do you and Kaczynski forget your differences? Does one of you say sorry?
Please write back as soon as you can. Which I do understand is probably never.
--Ruby Oliver
--written by me and mailed to the Woodland Park Zoo, with a note on the envelope reading: "For the 'Write to Our Farm Animals!' box." the next day was Saturday and I felt like crying all morning. I wasn't sure why, except that things had ended.
Baby CHuBS.
The Parents' Day Handicap.
Whatever had been going on with Jackson.
I didn't have to be at Granola Brothers until two pm, so I walked Polka-dot down to this place in our neighborhood that has coffee drinks and got a banana muffin and a vanilla cappuccino. Polka-dot licked my muffin halfway through, so I let him have it.
I looked into his joyful, doggy face, dripping with slobber and good humor, and I had to admit I loved him, even though the way my parents dealt with him was certifiably neurotic. I massaged his soft ears and let him eat my paper napkin.
Animals. I missed Robespierre. And the llamas Laverne and Shirley. Imelda, Mata Hari, Kaczynski and Anne Boleyn. The pig Lizzie Borden.
218
I even missed the penguins, though they never paid me any attention.
It was just a sad morning.
When I got home I dragged the treasure map out of my closet and stared at it.
Jackson, there in the center with a lollipop in his mouth, grinning.
Finn, who hadn't been crushing on me after all.
Noel, who wasn't speaking to me.
Gideon, who was Nora's brother and therefore hated me now.
I had written: "Someone who doesn't care if my hair looks stupid."
"Something uncomplicated."
"Something real."
"Wanting guys you can't have is a recipe for unhappiness. Do not fall for people who hardly know you exist."
"Liking a guy just because he likes you: Is that immature and pitiful, or is that a smart interpersonal relationship strategy likely to result in true happiness?"
"Do not think about guys who have broken your heart six ways. It is mentally deranged to chase after heartbreak."