"So let's work on that," Doctor Z replied. "I'm here to help."
I showed her my half-finished, half-destroyed treasure map, and told her everything that had happened. Everything.
She took the map and looked at it closely. "I know I did it wrong," I told her.
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"Actually," she replied, "I don't think you did it wrong at all. This is a sincere and complicated expression of what you've been thinking and going through."
Yeah. That was true.
"But wasn't I supposed to have girls on it?" I said. "I should be valuing my peer group and relationships beyond the romantic, right? I shouldn't be so obsessed with boys."
Doctor Z chuckled. "We don't need to put that label 'shouldn't' on it," she told me. "You are sixteen years old and heterosexual, after all."
"So?"
"So a little obsession with boys is natural."
Then I told her what I'd realized about the treasure in the grape Popsicles with Hutch and Dad in the greenhouse, and she said, "We're seeing some alteration in the way you're framing things, don't you think?"
And I thought, Yeah, maybe we are.
And maybe I figured something out on my own.
And maybe I'm not such a bad friend after all.
But what I said was: "That has got to be the shrinkiest thing you've ever said to me in a whole year of head shrinking."
Doctor Z laughed.
When our time was up, I didn't feel better, exactly. But I felt lighter.
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20.
I Want to Be Treated Like a Dog, Strange As That Sounds
They came out kinda flat, and
They came out kinda greasy.
I made them really, really late,
And honestly-they're not that great.
But:
They took me several hours,
There's a burn across my thumb,
Then I had to clean the kitchen,
Now I want to give you some.
--written on an index card taped to a shoe box delivered to doorstep, early June of junior year.
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Spring Fling came and went without me. I was at Van Halen with Hutch. David Lee Roth took his shirt off and wore spandex. It was gross and thrilling at the same time. Hutch banged his head around and jumped up and down like a heavy-metal lunatic. It would have been embarrassing to be next to him, except everyone in KeyArena was doing the same thing, so finally I went with it and banged my head around too, even though there were lots of songs I didn't know.
Driving home, all of Seattle seemed quiet. It was late at night, and there was a slight drizzle. The streets were shining. The world seemed cinematic.
Hutch and I got pizza and argued about the guitar skills of Eddie Van Halen versus Kirk Hammett, then Angus Young versus Slash.1I had no idea what I was talking about, but it was fun to take the opposite position to Hutch and watch him get worked up. He defended Slash to the end.
Meghan called me around noon the next day and told me all about Spring Fling. She and Finn had kissed under the stars as the mini-yacht cruised across the lake. She thought she might be in love. Before the dance, they had dinner at Waterfront Seafood Grill with Noel and Nora, two soccer muffins and their dates: Varsha and Spencer. Nora looked beautiful. Noel wore a vintage suit. Meghan ate salmon with cilantro sauce and chocolate cake. The boys tried to order wine but the waiter wouldn't serve them.
***
1 Do you really want to know the difference between these guitarists? Nah.
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I felt a surge of jealousy, thinking about Nora and Noel going to the dance. Yes, Meghan said, in answer to my question, they talked and laughed and seemed to be having a good time.
A really good time? I asked.
Yes. Noel was being so funny at dinner.
Did they hold hands or anything?
They danced. She's taller than him, but she wore flats, so it wasn't too bad.
Did it get romantic? I wanted to know.
"I can't get in the middle here between you and Nora," Meghan said. "But she didn't call in the morning and say she'd kissed him. I still don't think he likes her back the same way, but it was hard to tell at Spring Fling, you know? With the starlight and the music and everyone looking so gorgeous."
Did-
But Meghan didn't want to talk about Nora and Noel. She wanted to talk about her and Finn. Most people went to an after-party at the Yamamotos' after the dance, but Meghan had driven Finn home instead and there had been some serious upper-regioning. She wondered if Finn was inexperienced, though. She herself was well acquainted with the nether regions, but Finn seemed shy, she said, and wasn't that sweet?
I tried to listen and even ask questions that had nothing to do with Noel and Nora, because I was happy for Meghan, I really was, and I wanted to be a good friend. But my mind was running.
If my life was a movie, I figured, Noel would be the
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hero. I used to think it would be Jackson, because there I had a classic plot: Girl meets boy, they fall in love; girl loses boy, misery; girl gets boy back again, happy ending. But even though Jackson had once been exactly what I wanted-even though we had once been happy-I knew now that I didn't want him anymore.
Noel was the one whose kisses were better than retro metal. He was the one who made me laugh all through Chem class and wrote me that note I copied onto my treasure map. He was the one who had misunderstood something and thought I didn't care about him (girl loses boy)-and he was the one who seemed to have gone off with someone else (misery). So if my life was a movie, it was now time for "girl gets boy back again" and "happy ending"-which meant one of these three things would happen:
1. Nora would turn out to be evil. I would uncover some sinister plot she was hatching and foil it using emulsions. Noel would realize Nora was evil, admire me for my heroic deeds and show up at my house saying: "I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."2 Then the two of us would stroll into the sunset, and for once, his hair would look cool.
2. Nora would fall wildly in love with a basketball muffin who appreciated her sporty nature and her photography skills. She would see that she was wrong
***
2 What Billy Crystal says to Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally.
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to be mad at me for kissing Noel and beg my forgiveness. She would tell Noel he was wrong to be mad at me for hugging Jackson, and Noel would show up at my house saying: "I am just a boy standing in front of a girl, asking her to love him."3 He'd also beg my forgiveness by sending me flowers and serenading me outside my window, singing a medley of songs by Joe Cocker and Elton John.* Then he and I would stroll into the sunset wearing excellent vintage outfits. 3. Nora would realize she is a lesbian and confess she had been hiding her true nature from herself by imagining her crush on Noel when really he was just a nearby male for whom she had no true romantic feelings. Jackson would turn out to be evil, revealing that he'd been telling Noel lies about me-which would mean that Noel didn't think I was a complete slut after all. Noel would realize he'd wronged me terribly, and he'd show up at my house saying, "You complete me."5 Then we'd drive into the sunset on Noel's Vespa, our hair blowing in the wind because in movies you never have to wear an ugly helmet.
Of course, life doesn't happen like that. In life, even if someone says "You complete me," his hair still looks funny. Or he has a bad cold. Or even though you complete