William examined his reflection in a piece of polished brass. Somehow he’d got ink all over himself. He did the best he could with his handkerchief.
He’d sent Altogether Andrews to sell the papers near Pseudopolis Yard, reckoning him to be the most consistently sane of the fraternity. At least five of his personalities could hold a coherent conversation.
By now, surely, the Watch would have had time to read the story, even if they’d had to send out for help with the longer words.
He was aware of someone staring at him. He turned and saw Sacharissa’s head bend down over her work again.
Someone sniggered, behind him.
There was no one there who was paying him any attention. There was a three-way argument over a matter of sixpence going on between Goodmountain, Foul Ole Ron and Foul Ole Ron, Ron being capable of keeping a pretty good row going all by himself. The dwarfs were hard at work around the press. Otto had retired to his darkroom, where he was once again mysteriously also hard at work.
Only Ron’s dog was watching William. He considered that it had, for a dog, a very offensive and knowing look.
A couple of months ago someone had tried to hand William the old story about there being a dog in the city that could talk. It was the third time this year. William had explained that it was an urban myth. It was always a friend of a friend who had heard it talk, and it was never anyone who had seen the dog. The dog in front of William didn’t look as if it could talk, but it did look as if it could swear.
There seemed to be no stopping that kind of story. People swore that there was some long-lost heir to the throne of Ankh living incognito in the town. William certainly recognized wishful thinking when he heard it. There was the other old chestnut about a werewolf being employed in the Watch, too. Until recently he’d dismissed that one, but he was having some doubts lately. After all, the Times employed a vampire …
He stared at the wall, tapping his teeth with his pencil.
‘I’m going to see Commander Vimes,’ he said at last. ‘It’s better than hiding.’
‘We’re being invited to all sorts of things,’ said Sacharissa, looking up from her paperwork. ‘Well, I say invited … Lady Selachii has ordered us to attend her ball on Thursday next week and write at least five hundred words which we will of course let her see before publication.’
‘Good idea,’ Goodmountain called over his shoulder. ‘Lots of names at balls, and—’
‘—names sell newspapers,’ said William. ‘Yes. I know. Do you want to go?’
‘Me? I haven’t got anything to wear!’ said Sacharissa. ‘It’d cost forty dollars for the kind of dress you wear to that sort of thing. And we can’t afford that kind of money.’
William hesitated. Then he said: ‘Stand up and twirl around, could you?’
She actually blushed. ‘Whatever for?’
‘I want to see what size you are … you know, all over.’
She stood up and turned around nervously. There was a chorus of whistles from the crew and a number of untranslatable comments in dwarfish.
‘You’re pretty close,’ said William. ‘If I could get you a really good dress, could you find someone to make any adjustments you need? It might have to be let out a bit in the, in the, you know … in the top.’
‘What kind of dress?’ she said suspiciously.
‘My sister’s got hundreds of evening dresses and she spends all her time at our place in the country,’ said William. ‘The family never comes back to the city these days. I’ll give you the key to the town house this evening and you can go and help yourself.’
‘Won’t she mind?’
‘She’ll probably never notice. Anyway, I think she’d be shocked to find that anyone could spend as little as forty dollars on a dress. Don’t worry about it.’
‘Town house? Place in the country?’ said Sacharissa, displaying an inconveniently journalistic trait of picking on the words you hoped wouldn’t be noticed.
‘My family’s rich,’ said William. ‘I’m not.’
He glanced at the rooftop opposite when he stepped outside, because something in its outline was different, and saw a spiky head outlined against the afternoon sky.
It was a gargoyle. William had got used to seeing them everywhere in the city. Sometimes one would stay in the same place for months at a time. You seldom saw them actually moving from one roof to another. But you also seldom saw them at all in districts like this. Gargoyles liked high stone buildings with lots of gutters and fiddly architecture, which attracted pigeons. Even gargoyles have to eat.
There was also something going on further down the street. Several large carts were outside one of the old warehouses, and crates were being carried inside.
He spotted several more gargoyles on the way across the bridge to Pseudopolis Yard. Every single one of them turned its head to watch him.
Sergeant Detritus was on duty at the desk. He looked at William in surprise.
‘By damn, dat was quick. You run all der way?’ he said.
‘What are you talking about?’
‘Mister Vimes only sent for you a coupla minutes ago,’ said Detritus. ‘Go on up, I should. Don’t worry, he’s stopped shoutin’.’ He gave William a rather-you-than-me look. ‘But he are not glad about being in a tent, as dey say.’
‘Has he ever been a happy camper?’
‘Not much,’ said Detritus, grinning evilly.
William climbed the stairs and knocked at the door, which swung open.
Commander Vimes looked up from his desk. His eyes narrowed.
‘Well, well, that was quick,’ he said. ‘Ran all the way, did you?’
‘No, sir, I was coming here hoping to ask you some questions.’
‘That was kind of you,’ said Vimes.
There was a definite feeling that although the little village was quiet at the moment — women hanging out washing, cats sleeping in the sun — soon the volcano was going to explode and hundreds were going to be buried in the ash.
‘So—’ William began.
‘Why did you do this?’ said Vimes. William could see the Times on the desk in front of the commander. He could read the headlines from here:
‘Baffled, am I?’ said Vimes.
‘If you are telling me that you are not, Commander, I will be happy to make a note of the fa—’
‘Leave that notebook alone!’
William looked surprised. The notebook was the cheapest kind, made of paper recycled so many times you could use it as a towel, but once again someone was glaring at it as if it was a weapon.
‘I won’t have you doing to me what you did to Slant,’ said Vimes.
‘Every word of that story is true, sir.’
‘I’d bet on it. It sounds like his style.’
‘Look, Commander, if there’s something wrong with my story, tell me what it is.’
Vimes sat back and waved his hands.
‘Are you going to print everything you hear?’ he said. ‘Do you intend to run around my city like some loose … loose siege weapon? You sit there clutching your precious integrity like a teddy bear and you haven’t the faintest idea, have you, not the faintest idea how hard you can make my job?’
‘It’s not against the law to—’
‘Isn’t it? Isn’t it, though? In Ankh-Morpork? Stuff like this? It reads like Behaviour Likely to Cause a Breach of the Peace to me!’
‘It might upset people, but this is important—’