‘I think I don’t have to talk to you,’ said Drumknott. ‘Do I?’
‘No, but—’
‘Sergeant!’ Drumknott shouted.
There were swift footsteps and the cell door opened.
‘Yes?’ said Sergeant Angua.
‘I have finished talking to this gentleman,’ said Drumknott. ‘And I am tired.’
William sighed and put his notebook away. ‘Thank you,’ he said. ‘You’ve been very … helpful.’
As he walked along the corridor he said, ‘He doesn’t want to believe his lordship might have attacked him.’
‘Really,’ said the sergeant.
‘Looks like quite a bang he had on his head,’ William went on.
‘Does it?’
‘Look, even I can see this smells funny.’
‘Can you?’
‘I see,’ said William. ‘You went to the Mister Vimes School of Communication, yes?’
‘Did I?’ said Sergeant Angua.
‘Loyalty is a wonderful thing.’
‘Is it? The way out is this way—’
After she had carefully ushered William into the street Sergeant Angua went back upstairs into Vimes’s office and quietly shut the door behind her.
‘So he only spotted the gargoyles?’ said Vimes, who was watching William walk down the street.
‘Apparently. But I wouldn’t underestimate him, sir. He notices things. He was dead right about the peppermint bomb. And how many officers would have noticed how deeply that arrow went into the floor?’
‘That’s unfortunately true.’
‘And he spotted Igor’s second thumb, and hardly anyone else has noticed the swimming potatoes.’
‘Igor hasn’t got rid of them yet?’
‘No, sir. He believes that instant fish and chips are only a generation away.’
Vimes sighed. ‘All right, Sergeant. Forget the potatoes. What are the odds?’
‘Sir?’
‘I know what goes on in the duty room. They wouldn’t be watchmen if someone wasn’t running a book.’
‘On Mr de Worde?’
‘Yes.’
‘Well … six’ll get you ten that he’ll be dead by next Monday, sir.’
‘You might just spread the word that I don’t like that sort of thing, will you?’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘Find out who’s running the book, and when you have found out that it is Nobby, take it off him.’
‘Right, sir. And Mr de Worde?’
Vimes stared at the ceiling. ‘How many officers are watching him?’ he said.
‘Two.’
‘Nobby’s usually good at judging odds. Think that’ll be enough?’
‘No.’
‘Me neither. But we’re stretched. He’s going to have to learn the hard way. And the trouble with the hard way is you only get one lesson.’
Mr Tulip emerged from the alleyway where he had just negotiated the purchase of a very small packet of what would shortly prove to be rat poison cut with powdered washing crystals.
He found Mr Pin reading a large piece of paper. ‘What’s that?’ he said.
‘Trouble, I expect,’ said Mr Pin, folding it up and putting it in his pocket. ‘Yes, indeed.’
‘This city is getting on my — ing nerves,’ said Mr Tulip, as they continued down the street. ‘I got a — ing headache. And my leg hurts.’
‘So? It bit me, too. You made a big mistake with that dog.’
‘Are you saying I shouldn’t’ve shot at it?’
‘No, I’m saying you shouldn’t’ve missed. It got away.’
‘It’s only a dog,’ Mr Tulip grumbled. ‘What’s such a problem about a dog? It’s not like it’s a reliable — ing witness. They never told us about no — ing dog.’ His ankle was beginning to get that hot, dark sensation that suggested that someone hadn’t been brushing their teeth lately. ‘You just try carrying a guy with a — ing dog snapping at your legs! And how come the — ing zombie never told us the guy was so — ing fast? If he hadn’t been staring at the geek he’d have — ing got me!’
Mr Pin shrugged. But he’d made a note of that. Mr Slant had failed to tell the New Firm quite a lot of things, and one of them was that Vetinari moved like a snake.
This was going to cost the lawyer a lot of money. Mr Pin had nearly got cut.
But he was proud of stabbing the clerk and shoving Charlie out on the landing to babble to the stupid servants. That hadn’t been in the script. That was the kind of service you got from the New Firm. He snapped his fingers as he walked. Yeah! They could react, they could extemporize, they could get creative …
‘Excuse me, gentlemen?’
A figure had stepped out of the alleyway ahead of them, a knife in each hand.
‘Thieves’ Guild,’ it said. ‘Excuse me? This is an official robbery.’
To the surprise of the thief, Mr Pin and Mr Tulip seemed neither shocked nor frightened, despite the size of the knives. Instead they looked like a pair of lepidopterists who’d stumbled across an entirely new kind of butterfly and found it trying to wave a tiny little net.
‘Official robbery?’ said Mr Tulip slowly.
‘Ah, you’re visitors to our fair city?’ said the thief. ‘Then this is your lucky day, sir and … sir. A theft of twenty-five dollars entitles you to immunity from further street theft for a period of a full six months plus, for this week only, the choice of this handsome box of crystal wine glasses or a useful set of barbecue tools which will be the envy of your friends.’
‘You mean … you’re legal?’ said Mr Pin.
‘What — ing friends?’ said Mr Tulip.
‘Yes, sir. Lord Vetinari feels that since there’ll always be some crime in the city, it might as well be organized.’
Mr Tulip and Mr Pin looked at one another.
‘Well, “Legal” is my middle name,’ said Mr Pin, shrugging. ‘Over to you, Mr Tulip.’
‘And since you are newcomers I can offer you an introductory hundred-dollar theft, which will give you subsequent immunity for a full twenty-six months plus this booklet of restaurant, livery hire, clothing and entertainment vouchers worth a full twenty-five dollars at today’s prices. Your neighbours will admire—’
Mr Tulip’s arm moved in a blur. One banana-bunch hand caught the thief around the neck and slammed his head against the wall.
‘Unfortunately, Mr Tulip’s middle name is “Bastard”,’ said Mr Pin, lighting a cigarette. The meaty sounds of his colleague’s permanent anger continued behind him as he picked up the wine glasses and examined them critically.
‘Tch … cheap paste, not crystal at all,’ he said. ‘Who can you trust these days? It makes you despair.’
The body of the thief slumped to the ground.
‘I think I’ll go for the — ing barbecue set,’ said Mr Tulip, stepping over it. ‘I see here where it contains a number of oh-so-useful skewers and spatulas that will add a — ing new dimension of enjoyment to those al fresco patio meals.’
He ripped open the box and dragged out a blue and white apron, which he examined critically.
‘“Kill the Cook!!!”’ he said, slipping it over his head. ‘Hey, this is classy stuff. I’ll have to get some — ing friends so’s they can envy me when I’m having a meal with — ing Al Fresco. How about them — ing vouchers?’
‘There’s never any good stuff in these things,’ said Mr Pin. ‘It’s just a way of shifting stuff no one can sell. See here … “Twenty-five per cent off Happy Hour Prices at Furby’s Castle of Cabbage”.’ He tossed the booklet aside.
‘Not bad, though,’ said Mr Tulip. ‘And he only had twenty dollars on him, so it’s a — ing bargain.’