Ntunzi stood there gaping, rooted to the spot, as if his very soul were being hacked to pieces. I took a deep breath and mumbled incomprehensibly. But Father was already leaving, and yelled:
— No one touch anything! Zachary is the one who’ll come and clean up this shit.
Shortly afterwards, the soldier burst into the room, carrying a broom. But he didn’t sweep up. He picked up the little pieces one by one, and threw them up in the air like a witch-doctor casting cowrie shells. The paper flurried and scattered across the floor in whimsical designs. Zachary read these shapes and, after a little while, called me over to him:
— Come, Mwanito, come and see. .
The soldier was sitting in the midst of a constellation of little bits of coloured paper. I went over while he pointed, his finger shaking:
— See here, this is our visitor.
— I can’t see anything. What visitor?
— The one who’s on her way.
— I don’t understand, Zaca.
— Our peace is coming to an end, here in Jezoosalem.
Next morning, Ntunzi awoke, his mind made up: he was going to run away, even if there was no other place. Our father’s latest aggression had led him to this decision.
— I’m leaving. I’m getting out of here, for good.
The case clutched in his hand reinforced the strength of his intention. I ran and seized his hands, begging him:
— Take me with you, Ntunzi.
— You’re staying.
And off he went down the track, with a nimble stride. I went after him, crying inconsolably, repeating amid my snivelling and my sobs:
— I’m going with you.
— You’re staying. I’ll come back for you later.
— Don’t leave me on my own, please, dear brother.
— I’ve made up my mind.
We walked for hours, ignoring all perils. When we eventually arrived at the entrance to the reserve, my heart felt overloaded. I shuddered, terrified. We’d never ventured so far. This was where Uncle Aproximado’s hut was. We went in: it was empty. As far as we could see, no one had lived there for a long time. I still wanted to take a closer look at the place, but Ntunzi was in a hurry. Freedom was there, just a few yards away, and he ran to open the wooden doors.
When the big old doors were fully open, we saw that the much heralded road was no more than a narrow track that was almost indiscernible, overgrown with elephant grass and invaded by termite hills. But as far as Ntunzi was concerned, the little path was an avenue that crossed the very centre of the universe. That narrow little footpath was enough to fuel his illusion that there was another side to the world.
— At last! — Ntunzi sighed.
He touched the earth with the palm of his hand, just as he did when stroking the women that he had invented in his play acting. I fell to my knees and implored him again:
— Brother, don’t leave me all by myself.
— You don’t understand, Mwanito. Where I’m going, there’s no one else. I’m the one who‘s going to be all by myself. . or don’t you believe in your darling father any more?
His tone was sarcastic: my brother was getting his revenge on me for being the favourite son. He pushed me away with a shove, and closed the doors behind him. I stood there, peeping through the cracks in the wood, my eyes full of tears. I wasn’t just witnessing the departure of my only childhood companion. It was part of me that was leaving. As far as he was concerned, he was celebrating the beginning of all beginnings. As for me, I was being unborn.
And I saw how Ntunzi raised his arms in a “v” for victory, savouring his moment like a bird setting off skywards. He stayed for a time swaying backwards and forwards, deciding which way to go. As if he were teetering on the edge of a cliff. He danced around on the tips of his toes, as if he were expecting to take a plunge rather than a step forward. I wondered: why was he taking so long to set off? And then I had my doubts: could it be that he wanted that instant to last forever? Was he indulging himself in the joy of having a door, and being able to close it behind him?
But then something happened: instead of moving forward as he had intended, my brother doubled up as if he had been hit by some invisible blow behind the knees. He fell on his hands and lay down in the posture of a wild animal. He dragged himself over the ground in circles, snuffling amongst the dust.
I quickly vaulted over the fence to help. And it pained me to see him: Ntunzi was stuck to the ground and in tears.
— Bastard! You great son-of-a-bitch!
— What’s wrong, brother!? Come on, get up.
— I can’t. I can’t.
I tried to lift him. But he weighed as much as a sack of stones. We still managed to stagger along, shoulder to shoulder, dragging ourselves as if we were wading against the current of a river.
— I’ll call for help!
— What help?
— I’ll try and find Uncle.
— Are you crazy? Go back home and bring the wheelbarrow. I’ll wait here.
Fear dilates distances. Under my feet, the miles seemed to multiply. I reached the camp and brought the little handcart. This was the barrow in which my brother would be transported back home. Spilling over the cart on either side his legs swayed, hollow and lifeless like those of a dead spider, all the way home. Defeated, Ntunzi whimpered:
— I know what it is. . It’s bewitchment. .
It was indeed bewitchment. But not a jinx put on him by my father. It was the worst of all spells: the one we cast on our own selves.
My brother fell ill again after his frustrated attempt at escape. He shut himself away in his room, curled up in bed and pulled the blanket up to cover himself completely. He stayed like that for days, his head hidden under the cover. We knew he was alive because we saw him shaking, as if he was having convulsions.
Little by little, he lost weight, his bones pricking his skin. Once again, my father began to get worried:
— Now son, what’s the matter?
Ntunzi answered so quietly and peacefully that even I was surprised:
— I’m tired, Father.
— Tired of what? If you don’t do anything from morning till night?
— Not living is what I find most tiring.
It gradually became clear: Ntunzi was going on strike over existing. More serious than any illness was this total abdication of his. That afternoon, my father lingered by his first-born’s bed. He pulled back the blanket and examined the rest of his body. Ntunzi was sweating so profusely that his sheet was soaked and dripping.
— Son?
— Yes, Father.
— Do you remember how I used to tell you to make up stories? Well, make one up now.
— I haven’t got the strength.
— Try.
— Worse than not knowing how to tell stories, Father, is not having anyone to tell them to.
— I’ll listen to your story.
— You were once a good teller of stories, Father. Now, you’re a story badly told.