The Tuner of Silences

— He does.

— Why doesn’t he ever call me then?

— He says I’m a tuner of silences.

— And do you believe him? Can’t you see it’s all a big lie?

— I don’t know, brother, what can I do if he wants me to sit there all nice and quiet?

— Don’t you understand it’s all just talk? The truth of it is you remind him of our dead mother.

Ntunzi had reminded me a thousand times why my father had chosen me as his favourite. The reason for this preference of his had originated in one never-repeated instant: at our mother’s funeral, Silvestre didn’t know how to express his grief in public, and took himself off into a corner in order to cry his eyes out. That was when I approached my father and he got down on his knees so as to look into my three-year-old face. I raised my arms and instead of wiping away his tears, I placed my little hands over his ears. As if I were trying to turn him into an island and were distancing him from anything that had a voice. Silvestre shut his eyes inside this echoless haven: and he saw that Dordalma had not died. His arm stretched blindly in the shadow:

— My dearest Alma!

That was the last time he uttered her name. Nor did he ever again openly recall the time when he had been a husband. He wanted it all kept quiet, consigned to oblivion.

— And you, my son, must help me.

As far as Silvestre Vitalício was concerned, my vocation had been decided: I was to take care of this incurable absence, put out to pasture those demons that consumed his sleep. One time, when we were busy sharing our silence, I broached the subject:

— Ntunzi says I remind you of our mother. Is that so, Father?

— It’s the opposite, you protect me from those memories. It’s that Ntunzi who keeps bringing back the afflictions of the past to me.

— Do you know something, Father? Yesterday I dreamed of my mother.

— How can you dream of someone you never knew?

— I knew her, I just don’t remember.

— That’s the same thing.

— But I remember her voice.

— What voice? She hardly ever said a word.

— I can remember a peace that seemed, I don’t know, that seemed like water. Sometimes I think I can remember the house, the great peacefulness of that house. .

— And Ntunzi?

— What about Ntunzi, Father?

— Is he so sure he can remember your mother?

— Not a day goes by without him recalling her.

My father didn’t answer. He brooded despondently for a while and then, his voice hoarse as if he’d been to the depths of his soul and back, he declared:

— I’m going to say this once and never again: you children can’t remember anything or dream of anything at all.

— But I do dream, Father. And Ntunzi can remember so many things.

— It’s all a lie. What you dream is what I produced in your heads. Do you understand?

— I understand, Father.

— And whatever you remember, I’m the one who planted it in your heads.

A dream is a conversation with the dead, a journey to the land of the souls. But there were no longer any dead, nor was there a territory for the souls. The world had ended and its demise brought with it obliteration: death without any dead. The land of the departed had been annulled, the realm of the gods cancelled. That’s what my father said all in one breath. Even today, I find Silvestre Vitalício’s explanation harrowing and confusing. But at that particular moment, he was peremptory:

— That’s why you must neither dream nor remember. Because I don’t dream or remember.

— But Father, don’t you have any memory of our mother?

— Not of her, not of the house, not of anything. I don’t remember anything any more.

He got up with a groan to go and heat up the coffee. His steps were like a baobab pulling up its own roots. He looked at the fire as if he were looking at himself in a mirror, then closed his eyes and inhaled the aromatic steam rising from the coffee pot. And with his eyes still shut, he whispered:

— I’m going to confess a sin: I stopped praying when you were born.

— Don’t say that, Father.

— I’m telling you.

Some people have children in order to get closer to God. He had become God when he became my father. That’s what Silvestre Vitalício said. And he continued: the falsely downhearted, the insincere loners, they believe that their lamentations are heard in the heavens.

— But God is deaf—he said.

He paused so as to raise his cup and taste his coffee with relish, and then he insisted:

— And even if he wasn’t deaf: what is there to say to God?

In Jezoosalem, there was no church of stone with a cross in it. My father made a cathedral out of my silence. It was there that he awaited God’s return.

To be truthful, I wasn’t born in Jezoosalem. I am, let us say, an emigrant from a place without name, geography, or history. Straight after my mother died, when I was three, my father grabbed me and my elder brother and abandoned the city. He crossed forests, rivers and deserts until he reached what he guessed must be the most inaccessible spot. During our odyssey we passed thousands of people going in the opposite direction: fleeing the countryside for the city, escaping a rural war to seek shelter in an urban misery. People thought it strange: why was our family striking off into the interior, where the nation was burning?

My father was travelling up front, in the passenger seat. He looked sick, and perhaps thought he was travelling on a ship rather than in a road vehicle.

— This is Noah’s Ark on wheels—he proclaimed as we were still taking our places in the old rattletrap.

Next to us, at the back of the truck, sat Zachary Kalash, the former soldier who helped my old man in his daily tasks.

— But where are we going? — my brother asked.

— From now on there’s no where to talk about—Silvestre declared.

At the end of our great journey, we settled on a game reserve that had long been abandoned, and took shelter in an old camp that had once been used by hunters. Round about, all was emptiness because of the war, and there was no human presence whatsoever. Even animals were scarce. There was only an abundance of bushland, unpenetrated by any road for many years.

We settled in the ruins of the camp. My father in the central ruin, Ntunzi and I in a building next to it. Zachary made himself at home in an old shed out at the back. The old administrative building was left unoccupied.

— That house— my father said — is inhabited by shadows and governed by memories.

Later, he issued an order:

— No one is to enter that place!

Rebuilding work was minimal. Silvestre didn’t want to disrespect what he called “the work of time.” He did, however, busy himself with one task: at the entrance to the encampment, there was a little square with a pole, where flags were hoisted in the old days. My father turned the flagpole into a support for a huge crucifix. Above Christ’s head, he fixed a sign which read: “Welcome, Mister God.” This was his belief: