I said nothing.
“I’ll tell you,” he said. “You fight so that everyone will tell you what a good boy you are for holding all your shit tight up inside you, and only ever crapping it out in the special receptacle that daddy provides.”
I wasn’t going to rise to this. I indicated to Sergeant Tobias that he should take my place, then went forward to stand by the pilot.
We were crossing the Southern Marches. Far off in the hazy distance the green hills of our beloved homeland were already coming into view.
“So this is the famous Half-and-Half!” exclaimed the Emperor, as I led the chained prisoner into the throne-room.
His Serene Majesty sat on a high throne like a stage, surrounded by protective force fields that bathed him in a pearly pinkish light. I knelt and prostrated myself, but the Immortal Warrior merely nodded at the planet’s supreme potentate as you might nod at some tradesman in the street.
“The Cardinal-Major has no doubt told you our proposal,” the Emperor said, letting this insolence pass without comment, “and I understand that His Excellency the Minister of Peace-through-War has also now met you and outlined our position. So what is your reply? Will you promise to serve me for the duration of the war in return for your freedom? Or do you prefer to return to your cell on Gendlegap?”
The Immortal Warrior ran his tongue over his lower lip.
“No one would stay on Gendlegap out of choice,” he said. “So naturally I promise to serve you to the best of my ability. I’ve already explained to Illucian here about why I’m known as Half-and-Half. But I would imagine that you’ve convinced yourself that you’ll be able to…”
His Majesty laughed comfortably. “Oh I have no illusions about your loyalties, Half-and-Half, no illusions at all. But I think we can do business. I think – ” (and here the words came out so glibly that I felt like calling out some kind of warning) “ – I think, one way or another, we’ll be able to channel you in the right direction.”
Half-and-Half laughed. “That’s what they all say…” he began, but here I interrupted him.
“You are in the presence of His Majesty the Emperor, Half-and-Half!” I hissed.
He looked at me and back at the Emperor. “I know I am in the presence of the Emperor,” said the prisoner of Gendlegap, without lowering his voice. “And he is in the presence of the warrior Half-and-Half, who helped his great-great-grandfather murder old Nanophea and so usurp the throne…”
“Silence!” I ordered.
But his Majesty merely observed, quite mildly; that he did not want Half-and-Half to talk about the past, mythical or otherwise, while in his service.
“Is that understood?” he enquired. “I want that to be part of our deal.”
“Perfectly,” said Half-and-Half, with an ironic snapping of his heels to attention, which set his chains clanking loudly. “That’s always been part of the deal. I must not disturb the rosy mists of the past!”
His Majesty smiled slyly at him, as if they had shared a private joke. Then he gave a signal to one of his guards, who went to a side door and ushered in the grey, aquiline figure of the Minister of Peace-through-War, accompanied by an aide carrying a small box.
“Half-and-Half,” said the Emperor, “you are an impudent man, and you obviously think you can outsmart us all. But things have changed since you last walked the Earth, things have moved on. We understand, perhaps better than ever before, how your strange body works.”
I think His Majesty expected Half-and-Half to look impressed, or even alarmed that his secret was finally out. But the Immortal Warrior said nothing, merely smiled his faint sceptical smile, just as he had done with me when I had attempted to advance those fashionable theories about para-chemistry and non-local forces.
“Yes, we have new tools at our disposal now,” said the Minister of Peace-through-War. “Bullets can smash tissue and fire can smash molecules. Nuclear fission can even smash atoms. But now, for the first time, we have a means to destroy even sub-atomic particles, reducing them to pure energy.”
His Serene Majesty nodded. “Yes, Half-and-Half, and I don’t think even your strange flesh could reconstruct itself after such total annihilation.”
The prisoner of Gendlegap said nothing.
The Emperor gestured to the Minister’s aide, who opened the box he carried and removed from it a heavy metal bracelet.
“We have been using these subatomic bombs on the battlefield for several years now,” said the Minister, “and we have acquired some skill in miniaturization. This bracelet is in fact such a weapon.”
The Emperor smiled. “You can be held, we know, Half-and-Half,” he said, “you cannot escape from secure bonds. We’re going to fix this bracelet to you. If you tamper with it, it will destroy you. If you disobey me, I will destroy you, for I personally hold a control device for this thing. And if you harm me, the Minister here will destroy you, for he also holds the key to your instant annihilation. This is how I will ensure your loyalty. Is that understood?”
Half-and-Half nodded, still faintly smiling. The Emperor made a gesture to the Minister, who nodded to his aide. The aide fastened the bracelet onto the prisoner’s upper arm.
“Very well then,” said His Majesty. “Remove his chains if you please, Cardinal-Major!”
My guards came forward to release the locks in Half-and-Half’s collar and manacles. The chains fell away to the floor and the Immortal Warrior stood there, unfettered for the first time since before my grandfather was born. Tentatively he felt his wrists, his ankles, his neck. He smiled. He touched the heavy bracelet that had just been fastened round his arm.
Then suddenly he performed a series of cartwheels across the throne-room. It was so unexpected that we all lowered halberds or whipped out hand-guns.
“That feels good!’ exclaimed Half-and-Half, coming to a halt.
Sheepishly, we replaced our weapons. Only the Emperor behind his protective field seemed to have remained calm. Leaning forward, as if the better to enjoy the show, he clapped his hands and called out “Encore!”
So then Half-and-Half performed a series of flying somersaults – one, two…
But the third one was different. Half-way through it, he stopped, he became motionless, suspended three feet off the ground. We all gasped – the Emperor, the guards, all of us – as he hung there for five seconds or more. And then, equally abruptly, he darted sideways, from that motionless mid-air position, generating momentum from nowhere. He darted sideways, snatched my weapon from its holster and flung it down at my feet, while he himself landed effortlessly beside me, smiling, without a wobble, without any sign of breathlessness or strain.
“Come on!” he called to the Emperor’s guards. “Attack me with your halberds!”
They hesitated.
“No. Go on. Do your worst. I won’t hurt you.”
The guards glanced up at His Majesty, who nodded, smiling broadly.
Clumsily, feeling afraid and feeling like fools at the same time, the two guards converged on him, their halberds lowered.
“Come on! Run!” shouted Half-and-Half.
They ran.
And suddenly Half-and-Half had vanished. There was only a single golden butterfly hovering in the space where he had been.
The guards clattered to a stop, just in time to prevent themselves from impaling one another. The butterfly flew upwards, upwards, upwards…
…and crashed to the ground, transformed into an enormous fiery lion. It lashed left and right, it roared. As the guards backed away, it struck their halberds from their hands with its great paws and sent them clattering across the floor…